The Rebirth

It’s been two years, either today or yesterday, since life meant very little to me. Two years since I broke and my mother had to take a plane at 6 a.m. to be with me, to keep me safe and protected. Two years since I started rebuilding.

I never expected any of that to happen, and I would honestly prefer that I hadn’t felt that much pain and suffering and absolute nothingness, because it’s the absolute worst, so don’t start thinking it was a positive experience at the time. But I also know I would not be who I am today without those horrible experiences.

“Everything happens for a reason” is an obnoxiously common saying, and usually I think it’s a bit of a cop out, a way to distance ourselves from pain and confusion. But in a different way, perhaps a more subtle one, I believe it. Life is one long chain of events, each tiny action creating reactions and waves. It’s not just that I wouldn’t attend this particular university on this career path with these friends; it’s that I, as I exist in this moment, would not exist. I wouldn’t understand my inner self in the same way (in fact, that inner self would be very different indeed) and I would not have the same outlook on life that I do right now.

That other person, that child who existed pre-December 2011, would have been lovely too, and I know that wherever she exists — perhaps in an alternate universe — she is absolutely striking. But she is not who I was meant to become.

I’m so happy with who I am and the path I have chosen. Something inside me — some slumbering beast of peace — awoke two years ago and has been struggling to the forefront of my consciousness ever since. I surprise myself lately, in the most exciting and breathtaking way, by how at peace I feel. Every discovery I have made — in Hinduism, in my daily life, in understanding myself — existed in that beast and absolutely exploded into being these past few months.

I am so perfectly flawed and so determined to work through the knots I hold inside, and I honestly gasp sometimes when I realize…I am fulfilling this destiny of sorts. I am becoming me. I never realized I didn’t know who I was until I met myself — I wasn’t lost until I was found.

I will question “why me” in the future, I’m sure, when something terrible happens and I feel broken again. But never again will I look to the past and see tragedy; it was only opportunity of the most brutal nature that allowed me to feel so utterly free.

This earth is so much, so gorgeous, so overwhelming. Sometimes I drink it in and realize I can’t stop and I drown a little, blinking into the sun and choking on the cold. I remember a time when even the heaviest downpours felt like nothing, just another burden to bear. Now, I welcome the sleet as another excuse to feel every nerve in my body vibrate.

“Namaste:” the light in me greets the light in you. Now I have found my inner light.

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17 thoughts on “The Rebirth

  1. Thank you for sharing, and I really mean it because that was so heart warming. Light being born from such darkness, which is far from a swift process, is so inspiring. You inspire me, and make me laugh every now and again, and you’re sharing that light – for that I truly thank you :)
    xx

  2. I agree fully with this. I had a terrible depression that hit so hard with me it altered who I am forever. and I truly believe i am my full self…but that may change once more after another life-altering event i am sure.

    such wisdom here! love this post.

      • No, I fully understand. It’s not that I am happy either, no, it was SO hard to go through. But I am appreciative that it has impacted me for the better, you know? I am now more open to ideas/events/people that I normally would be so closed off to…and for that, I am thankful.

  3. “You’re a mystery wrapped in an enigma, squeezed into…” Well, you get the idea. You are a inspiration to us all, Cappy.
    And it might still be a bit too early, but merry Christmas! Truly, I wish you nothing but happiness! And although you already feel reborn now, I’m sure the best is yet to come for you. Perfectly imperfect.

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