I posted less than an hour ago about how I was going to freak out on a mouse that had decided to call my home his personal pooping-grounds. I think it was some sort of karmic punishment for me, because very soon after I published that post, Ralph got caught.
Warning: This part gets a little icky. I’m not sure what your tolerance for ick is, but if it’s low, you should probably go…just go! Go while you can!
This animal’s blood is on my hands (not literally, thank goodness). I eat some meat (infrequently, and usually only a bit of chicken or fish, but I still eat animals) but unfortunately, it’s easier to forget that my frozen chicken breast actually came from a living, sentient being, and since I actually killed this animal that I had jokingly named…it felt worse. It wasn’t worse, but it felt worse because I had to watch it struggle. I’d bought several traps that would simply catch the mouse and keep it alive so I could release it outside, but there weren’t many at the store so I also bought the glue traps that stick to their feet as they walk over them.
I watched it struggle and I heard it squeal, and probably apologized 20 times as I carried it — still attached to the trap — outside by the dumpster, where I (while trying not to cry and/or vomit) turned the trap over and stomped on it. I didn’t want it to be scared any longer.
I cannot stop replaying it in my head. I feel like a huge jerk, and I know it might sound stupid and trivial to some people, but I really don’t think I can forgive myself for this. I didn’t know what else to do…it was starting to poo in my kitchen and I was really worried about getting sick…
I had to make a difficult decision, and I made it. I don’t feel good about it at all. But I at least attempted to ease its suffering, I guess? It ate a lot of really nice Tillamook cheese and ran around a warm apartment, sheltered from rain and wind toward the end of its life. Maybe it was really old and was near the end of it’s life anyway (probably not, but I can only hope). Maybe I’m being hypersensitive.
It’s just hard not to respond to the energy of an animal while it’s afraid for its life. I just felt its anxiety and terror, and I don’t know what else to say but that it broke my heart to hurt it the way I did.
Rest in Peace, Ralph! I lit some incense in your honor, and I hope you are reincarnated as something wonderful. An eagle, maybe, so you can soar free (wow, that was cheesy…cheesy, get it? eh?) and be really majestic. Of all the mice that could’ve wandered into my apartment, you were probably the least terrifying. Sorry I’m terrible at giving eulogies.