Effective Techniques for Dumping an Un-Boyfriend


We’ve all had one. You’re not sure where you stand; does he really like your butt, or is this a booty call? Or does he want to hardcore define the relationship?

1. Ignore him. He texts you? Ignore. He calls you? Ignore. You see him in person? Turn around. (Or use my preferred method and hide behind a tree…make sure it’s a stationary object and not a car, cuz once that car drives away you’re screwed.)

2. Beginners can start out with the Minimal Effort Response. He elaborates in detail about how his day was and how it made him feel? You say, “Nice.”
Basically, respond with “cool,” “nice,” “sweet,” “okay,” and other similar vocabulary. If possible, shorten the words (okay = k).

3. Bro out. Overuse the hang-loose hand gesture. Call him buddy and slap him on the back a lot. Offer to spot him while he’s benching.

4. Conversely, casually mention how attractive you find his friend…over…and over…and over.
Set him up with someone else. “Hey, wanna go on a date? …With my friend?”  Tell him he’s perfect…for your sorority sister.
Warning: This may result in him saying, “Yeah, your friend’s pretty, but you’re beautiful” or other similar responses. If this happens…

5. Turn the cling on. Emoticon usage must increase by at least 95%. Winky faces are preferred.
When he asks how your day was, say, “Good, but it would’ve been better if you’d been by my side.” This is also an appropriate response when he asks how your classes were, how your dinner was, how the gym was, and especially how you slept.
Keep him up to date with your emotions. Don’t just tell him how dinner was, tell him how it made you feel. Tell him exactly how long you cried when you failed that test.
Keep him up to date with your menstrual cycle. Tell him you are bleeding, and word it exactly like that. Use medical terminology like “menstruating” and “uterus” liberally.
Ask him if you can keep a drawer at his house. Leave your toothbrush in his bathroom even when you’ve never spent the night.
Tell him you want a baby, and you hope it has his eyes.

6. Actually man up and tell him that you don’t like him. But really, who’s gonna do that?

Props to my gal pal Courtney for helping me out with this! Check her out here.

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How To: Name Your Baby


baby nameSo, I know my name is Cappy, and that might confuse some people. It might make other people angry that I’m writing a post about naming children when it seems that my parents named me under a haze of marijuana smoke and black lights. (Surprisingly enough, they didn’t. To get the full story behind my name, click here.) But I, an extremely opinionated and slightly grumpy blogger, figured I had something to say, so I might as well say it. Listen up, and save the crazy names for middle names.

1. Don’t give your kid a bizarre-noun-name. There’s nothing worse (or easier to make fun of) than a kid named after a tree (Aspen is alright, Birch is not).
Girl Examples: Harp, Cedar, Dream, Muse, Petri.
Boy Examples: Wrangler, Trick, Track, Cannon, Knight.
Exceptions include: Joy, Hope, Iris, May, June, Daisy. Don’t get too exotic with your flowers…your kid shouldn’t be named Hibiscus or Anthurium. There are no exceptions for boys except maybe August. Maybe.

2. Avoid names of continents, countries or cities.
Girl Examples: Africa, Europe, Italy, Wales (that one’s for more reasons than one).
Boy Examples: Scotland, Denmark.
Exceptions: There are a lot of exceptions. One of my sorority sisters is named Britain and I think that’s delightful. Someone else I know is named Sicily. But don’t call them Zimbabwe or Seattle or something, cuz that just sounds weird…and sounds like you’ve decided any word that exists can be a name.

3. Don’t turn your girl-child into a stripper. You shouldn’t be allowed to name your kid Chastity, because even if she’s the most chaste girl in the world, everyone will think she’s a dirty tramp.
Girl Examples: Verity, Charity, Trinity, Cinnamon (fun fact: I had a hamster named Cinnamon. Yep, just ruined it for you).
Boy Examples: Well, don’t name your boy after a girl stripper, cuz that’s just wrong. And don’t name him Magic Mike.
Exceptions: There are no exceptions.

4. Don’t go all Gwyneth Paltrow on your kid.
Girl Examples: Apple, Orange, Banana, Pear, Peanut, Flute, Lute…the list goes on.
Boy Examples: Rocket, Explosive, Banjo, Guitar, Picolo.
Exceptions: If Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t like it, you can use it.

5. You are not a flower child, and neither is your one-second-old baby.
Girl Examples: Wind, Flower, Breeze, Whisper, Peace, Love, Mist.
Boy Example: Random, Earth, Strength, Virility, Rain.
Exceptions: Skye might be acceptable, but only if they grow up to be super awesome.

6. Never, EVER, name your child after where they were conceived. Ever.
I met a girl named Kastle once and she said it was because right before she was born her parents went to this Italian castle and stayed there and loved it…I guarantee they did the don’t in there and she is the product of their sordid night on a bed made of stone. Don’t do it.
On another note, don’t tell your kid where they were conceived. 

7. After I’ve said all this, try not to name your kid the same thing as everyone else they’ll grow up with. It’s annoying growing up and being known as “Morgan F” because there are 5 other Morgans in your class. I’m not going to give examples, because they’re so obvious. Also, I feel like I’m going to offend everyone I know if I do.

Of course, there are a million exceptions and I’m a jerk about names, but a great rule of thumb is DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD ANYTHING SARAH PALIN WOULD NAME HERS. Except Piper, cuz that’s cute.

How to Be a Creep


Ahh, my specialty.

1. Walk quietly up behind them and begin singing a song really softly and slowly in their ear. It’s best if it’s a song from a children’s movie or something. Just imagine hearing “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…” floating eerily into your ear.

2. Lurk. Anywhere, really. Lurk in corners, dark areas, etc. But perhaps the most creepy way to lurk is to lurk as if you think no one can see you when really, they can. Lurk in fully lit rooms, “hide” against walls, follow people around on the street…really, as long as you’ve got your shoulders hiked up a little toward your ears and you have shifty eyes, your lurking is a success.

3. Stroke people’s arms. Just walk up behind them and say quietly, “You’re so soft” and touch them lightly on the upper arm. Then stroke. Because really, when someone doesn’t want to be touched, it’s best to touch them on as much surface area as possible…

4. Ask for a lock of their hair…or better yet, ask their friend to obtain said hair for you. That way, you can enjoy their luscious locks any time you want, and they’ll never know that you have them!

5. Just show up at their house unannounced, call them on the phone while peering into their bedroom window, and whisper, “I’m here.”

Everyone Deserves a Threesome, or How to Get Booed off a Stage


Those poor little darlings at open mic night. I feel for them, I truly do.

Because I want to do standup so badly I’m practically peeing myself.

But…I’ve seen those other guys up there. They can bomb pretty hard, and I get that. I get how rough it can be going in front of a bunch of judgmental hipsters and trying to make them laugh, because even if you were hilarious they probably wouldn’t laugh. But comedy is about give and take. Give a good joke, take a good laugh. And if you give the crowd a bunch of crappy jokes, nobody will laugh at you (okay, they might laugh at you, but they won’t laugh at your jokes). It’s math. Or rather, it’s my kind of math, which really isn’t math at all. Anywho, in the interest of intellectualism, I’ve studied other comedy acts at open mic night and have come up with a few things you simply cannot do:

1. Go for the shocker.
“If I ever get into a fight, I’m just gonna rip all my clothes off because nobody wants to fight a naked guy with his penis hanging out.” I have heard him tell that joke at least three different times, and I have never laughed. Ever. And I laugh a lot. I laughed at an Oregon Trail computer game joke. Anyway, I’ve heard this Ding Dong do jokes about his ding dong 3 too many times.

2. Tell the same joke during multiple sets even when you’ve never gotten a laugh from it.
“I’ve noticed that the elevators here are pretty crazy. The up arrow is green, symbolizing heaven, and the down arrow is red, symbolizing…the spillage of Native American blood on the soil this University was built on. [Insert very confusing, “humorous” dialogue about Pocahontas here].” Keep in mind that this joke comes from a comic who shouted at a mask on stage for about two minutes.
If you’re still confused, see Rule Number 1.

3. Don’t have a punch line.
Someone told a very long joke about a blue dog named Cruffin who only ate muffins. He just kept yelling, “Cruffin! You ate my muffin!” There was no punch line. There was no point. I may have laughed at one point out of sheer confusion.

I know it may not seem like it, but I still respect (most of) these guys. It takes more than I’ve got to go up on stage and yell about Cruffin. Cuz if there’s anyone in the audience who thinks even a little bit like me, I’m gonna get booed off the stage.
I still hate naked fist fight guy, though. He’s an idiot. “Every guy should be entitled to a threesome…my girlfriend won’t let me.” Uh, question. You have a girlfriend? Wow. Wow. I sincerely hope she doesn’t speak English and is just your accidental girlfriend. She probably doesn’t know you’re dating. Poor girl.

Kissing and Collaboration (Take Notes, Kids)


Hi y’all! We (Cappy @ Writer’s Block and Girl on the Contrary) have decided to collaborate on a blog. We know, we know. The world’s been waiting for this one for a looooong time. We’ve known each other (through the interwebs) for over a year now, and we thought it would be only appropriate to celebrate our anniversary by posting together. So here goes.

Cappy: The first kiss: it happens to the best of us. And they happen over and over (if you’re lucky…or unlucky, if you’re looking simply for “the one”). Of course, Girl on the Contrary and I were about 97 when we had ours (not together…) since we’re slight flirtation failures, but nevertheless, it happens.

We’re romantics. You can tell by the fact that we wear corsets and walk around knighting people all the time. So we figured we’d talk about what we deem acceptable and unacceptable vis-a-vis first kisses.

Girl on the Contrary: Cappy is being too modest. She was actually 95 when she had her first kiss, she just didn’t want to tell you that for fear you would think she was a “hoochie-mama” (those were her words, not mine, I would never say “hoochie-mama”, I prefer the term amorously gifted. It hasn’t caught on yet.) She was right about one thing, however, I do like to knight people but only those who have shown themselves to be valorous in some way- like letting me cut in front of them in the grocery store check-out. I’m not really romantic, I just like romance. Anyway, I definitely like kissing so it’s worth discussing, and by worth it, I mean Cappy and I plan to make a lot of money writing about kissing. So, like, really worth it.

The Place

GOOD:
Cappy: On a balcony. So Rom & Jul.
In a wheat field during a sunset…but hey, don’t wear shorts, or severe chafing will ensue and your kiss scenario will be demoted to the bad section of this list.
On a sailboat…during a sunset? Don’t lean against a sail or anything though. Don’t want to lose your balance and get eaten by a shark! That’s not romantic.
On an albatross. Because, really, it’s bloody well majestic.
In a hot air balloon. Just don’t hit a plane or something. We’re not sure it’s possible, but it would be just our luck.

GotC: In a closet. As I understand it, when two people go into a closet together- it turns into Heaven for like 7 minutes. Also, beaches. Also, also, my living room couch. It’s so simple yet so perfect.

BAD:

Cappy: A field just as a crop duster passes overhead.
An albatross that really needs to potty.
A balcony…because, really…do we WANT to compare ourselves to Rom and Jul? They. Died. And it wasn’t just like a little, painless death. Their deaths were filled with poison, heartbreak, and stab wounds. I blame the friar.

GotC: I agree, it was totally the friar’s fault. Also, cars. It’s super awkward and there are arm rests and seat belts to deal with. Also, also, under bleachers at any sporting events. Steer clear of the under the bleachers because before you know it, other kids will be calling you “amorously gifted.”

The Mood
GOOD:

Cappy: Dark-ish. Because he might not be that cute. And you don’t necessarily want to see his fish face looming in on you and then you all of a sudden think, “WHAT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?!” But then maybe that’s what you SHOULD think, and you’d better think it fast before he starts ripping your clothes off.

GotC: If Clueless taught me anything, it taught me that lighting it crucial. Florescent lighting is not flattering on anyone so avoid places with florescent lighting. Dusk is nice. So is twilight. I’m pretty sure those two are the same thing.
BAD:

Cappy: Totally dark. You don’t want any wandering hand action to be happening…unless, you know, you DO want wandering hand action. But at this point we’re only talking about the first kiss, not the first grope.

GotC: Too bright. You don’t want to see too much, trust me on that.

The Caress:

Cappy: If he grabs your head and locks it in, we have a problem. But if he touches your face, whispers something nice, says you’re pretty when your eyes are closed, etc…well, actually, he’s probably just Edward Cullen and you should get your holy water out. The caressing should be nice, but really, no matter what he does, it’ll seem kinda dumb when you say it out loud.

GotC: Ah, the caress. Super sappy, super romantic, super necessary. A touch of the face, a holding of the hand, when he pushes your hair behind your ear……..I’m going to stop now because I think you get it and if you don’t, you need to watch some movie adaptations of Jane Austen novels, they usually get it right in the sweet caresses department.

The Whole Package:

Cappy: You should feel nice afterward, and your tonsils should remain intact, thank you very much.
And that, my friends, is kissing advice from two foxy ladies who just like to keep it real. You like us. Admit it. Actually, don’t admit it, just show your love with a little smoochin’.

GotC: You should be smiling, and every time you think about it afterward, you should smile. And if you’re not smiling or don’t ever think of it again, it wasn’t done properly. Also, according to conventional wisdom, unlike us, you’re not supposed to talk about it.

So there you have it. We’ve tested all these scenarios out, so they’re like, totally scientific and everything. Just listen to us and we promise, you’ll have a lotta luck in love. Meow.

Girl on the Contrary is a sassy, sassy lady. You can read more about her here, or in this post I wrote about our love. We share similar tastes in music, love, and life, and both have an unnatural obsession for Alice in Wonderland. And I love her dearly because she was one of the first people to read this blog (she was here before you. Feel bad about yourselves). If you know me, you want to know her. Or, contrarily (get it? get it?), if you know me but wish you didn’t…well, what are you doing here anyway?

How to Make Friends


Step One: See them around town.
You like what you see. They seem nice, always chatting with passersby or wearing something fun. Give them a little nod as you pass to show that you want to be best friends.
Follow them to their favorite lunch spot. Memorize their order so that one day you can be in front of them in line and order it, then hear them gasp delightedly behind you and say, “That’s my favorite!” I can practically hear the sound of friendship bracelets being made.

Step Two: Ask around.
Casually ask your friends (or any complete stranger within a 10 foot radius) “Who is that sassy lady wearing  a false ponytail and cowboy boots? I’d like to know her. What is her name? Birthday? Social security number?”

Step Three: Add on Facebook.
Because nothing’s more welcome than a random friend request from someone you may or may not have seen staring at your false ponytail.
If you’re feeling spunky, add a personal note. “Hey, I’ve seen you around and think you are the coolest thing since ice cubes. I would like to be your best friend…forever.”

Step Four: Find out where they work.
This information can be obtained in the same manner as in Step Two.

Step Five: “Bump” into them at work.
“Oh my goodness, you work here? I had no idea. I work across town at a pizza stand, which has nothing to do with your high-flying job as a trapeze artist so I really have no reason to be here…what a crazy coincidence! Wanna be best friends?!”

Step Six: Burn the restraining orders.
They were mistakes. Mistakes!
 Keep telling yourself that.

How to Treat the Fellaz


1. Offer to do things for him.
I think he’d especially appreciate if you re-laced his shoes all cool so the laces aren’t crisscrossed but instead go straight across. That’s a real winner right there. Expect a ring tomorrow.

2. Be real.
I always hate it when people say that: “I’m just bein’ real with you, bro.” But…be real. Shut up giggling and trying to make his ego swell. It should swell only when it deserves to swell! When you’re impressed by something he says/does, let him know it, otherwise, just act like you would with your girlfriends (minus the makeup talk). Be nice, but don’t be sweet, unless you’re just totally in love and can’t help it. In that case, get a friend to slap you across the face and make you WAKE UP! I’m kidding. Maybe.
And for Buddha’s sake, stop sticking your butt out. It isn’t cute and it makes you walk funny.

3. Look cuddly.
You want a cuddle, and so does he. Unless he’s a leper, in which case you should probably not get that close…but you can definitely love him from afar while he tries to get his condition under control…
Basically, be a little touchy, but stop slobbering all over him. The touchy can only go so far. And only touch when there’s a reason to. Like…if he tells you a really crap joke, you probably shouldn’t laugh and then hang all over his arm. But if he tells you the nicest story ever about his dog dying the day after his dad died, you could give his arm a little fondle. But keep it classy, cuz his dad and dog died.
While we’re on the subject, I’d like to say this: don’t date guys with tons of issues. His dad is freaking dead…and so is Fido. The man needs some space!

4. Look at him. Speak to him.
These are important because A) we know fellaz are morons and don’t get a single subtle hint we throw at them and B) you know you want to. Suppressing the urge will just make you explode into a crazy ball of scary later.
If you compliment his sweater because really you just love what’s underneath, he isn’t gonna get it. I repeat: subtlety doesn’t work.

5. On that note, be assertive.
Tell him what you want. Because he won’t understand what you want unless you say it loudly, clearly, and in as little words as possible (I realize how sexist I sound. I’m definitely aware that guys are smart, but even I’m terrible at understanding subtlety and I’m a girl!). So tell him when you’d like his jacket. Tell him your favorite type of food. Then he’ll know how to please you :)

Once again, people helped me with this. Since I’m not a boy and do not understand boy minds, a big thank you to my friend Adam for his assistance! And to my cat for always being there for me even when I forgot to feed him dinner the other day. And to Maddie for the shoelace suggestion. Why don’t we have boyfriends?

How to Dress for Halloween


In light of the many parties you will undoubtedly attend (you cheeky minxes), I shall now bestow upon you my supreme knowledge of costumes.
I’ll start with what NOT to wear. Because I’m better at being negative.
Ladeeez:

Please refrain from any type of “slutty [insert noun here].” If you’re going to go out dressed like a prostitute, just say you’re dressed like a prostitute. Don’t try to cover it up by saying you’re a cat or a French maid or a muffin. I don’t know how anyone could make a muffin sexy, but someone should try it and send me a photo. Come to think of it, anyone who can make a muffin costume sexy should just wear it every day.
If you’re going to a dance party and you plan on gettin’ your bump on, make sure that your dress/skirt is long enough that it won’t be riding up around your neck 30 seconds into a dance. While some men you dance with may enjoy this, many will be terrified at the prospect of dancing with your panties (even if they’re only scared of what their girlfriend will say).

Men-folk:
Wearing masks scares people. Sure, be a gorilla and wear a mask- IF you’re at a house party with seven of your closest friends. Otherwise, going to a bar/club/party with large amounts of strangers = everyone feels sketched out around you. Don’t expect to get your dance on unless your mask is off, you sketchy possible axe-murderer.

What you SHOULD wear:
Ladeeez:
Clothing. The end.
But really, there should be no undergarments showing…unless you are A) dressed as a gigantic undergarment or B) accustomed to wearing that type of outfit/are a prostitute.
Be Aphrodite or something. She’s classy. Or an old film star. Or a rocker chick – those are sexy AND they wear pants. 
Think of something really clever, like “tickled pink” (wear all pink clothes and carry a feather) or “happy hour” (wear a huge clock costume and smile a lot). That last one might be tough to dance in.

Men-folk:
I have seen so many guys dress up as Mormons (bike helmets, skinny ties, slacks) that I don’t know what to do with myself. So maybe that costume is all the rage this year.  I’ve also seen more guidos than I would’ve liked (but if I’d seen the real Pauly D, I probably wouldn’t complain so much)…so be creative. Dress up. There is a serious problem plaguing our country: men don’t dress up as much as women do. On New Years Eve, dates in general, and Halloween, the girls always get way more into dressing up (whether in costume or just fancy clothes) than the guys. So man up, men!
I would like to say that I saw a Mr. Peanut on Saturday night and almost peed myself (kidding) in excitement. Ohh, early Halloween parties, you make me happy.

Now I’m scared that I’ll find a costume that I love that both is called “slutty [insert noun here]” AND shows my undergarments. If that happens, you can totally call me a hypocrite. Loudly.

How to Dance


In honor of the many upcoming homecoming dances at various colleges and high schools around the world/country/universe, I have compiled a list of fool-proof methods to help you get your dance on.

I’m not exactly sure that I have the authority to write this since nowadays, with all the fist pumping and booty bumping and krumping (ohhh you kids and your baggy pants!) and whatnot, it’s not so much dancing as it’s having sex in a big heap with your clothes on. But I’ll try my hardest.

1. Don’t try to pull off anything too impressive.
If you’re reading this in the hopes of learning how to dance, you obviously (ish) are a terrible dancer and therefore should refrain from any serious salsa/tango/mambo/chacha moves. Basically, don’t do anything latin or organized, because you will inevitably be crap at it.
If you really want to try any of these don’t take yourself too seriously, cuz you’ll look like a huge fool if you fail.

2. Don’t grind like a twit.
Sure, we all have sexual frustrations and we need an outlet to…frustrate them…but that should be saved for bedrooms/supply closets/bathrooms. Or the set of “Dirty Dancing. ”
Get your passion on, sure, but maybe actually face each other while you do.

3. Don’t be a complete idiot and jump around with your arms in the air the whole time.
Odds are a short person below you will be either wiped with your sweat or elbowed in the head. Let’s be safe.

4. Loosen your joints!
If you’re not actually doing the robot, try not to look like you are. Loosen up, move your hips, don’t look like you’re having a spasm, etc etc.

5. Don’t be a downer.
You know you like to dance. Unless you’re a Quaker  or live in the musical “Footloose,” you’re allowed to dance. You want to dance! So do it. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer.

In all honesty, folks, you should just go out there and have a good time. Dancing is really fun and can be passionate and whatnot and there’s really no point in feeling self-conscious or stupid the whole time. Let your hair down and have fun! After all, I tend to look like a complete fool when I dance and I still manage to have a good time.
And above all, do not, repeat DO NOT, let the DJ play the Cha-Cha Slide three times.

How to Be a Musician


Rockstar:
1. Live by one rule and one rule alone: Guitar should not sound melodic. There shouldn’t be any real chords like in Beatles or Stones songs, just really scary and loud guitar riffs. And solos shouldn’t have anything to do with the tune of the song but should instead show off your ability to play random notes really fast.

2. Okay, there are actually two rules…the second involves a lot of leather.

Popstar:
1. Constantly show off your vocal range; this is especially important if you’re singing the national anthem. Hit as many high notes as you can, but make sure you immediately follow them with low notes. Then jump back to high, make your voice quiver a little, and make the ugliest face you can. Point your hand up to the sky, hitting your final note, and…finish.

2. Wear as much lip gloss as you can possibly apply to your lips without them falling off.

Grunge dude:
1. Blow all your money on cocaine. Mmmm, nothing’s better than druggie arms.

Hint: it's him.

2. Blow the little money you have left on flannel shirts. You’re not allowed to wear anything (reapeat: anything) other than flannel shirts. Okay, you can wear pants. Flannel pants, preferrably…yeah that’s a lie.

Julian Casablancas:
1. Look really amazing all the time.

2. Write really great music.

3. Sing me to sleep every night.

…10 points to anyone who can figure out who my favorite singer is.