Dead Bodies on a Plane


So, I’ve written a lot of posts lately about my experiences on planes, traveling, etc. Usually, the more a blogger writes about something, the more hilariously specific spam posts and google searches they receive. (For those of you who don’t know, there is a feature on WordPress that allows bloggers to find out what Google searches lead people to their blog. Mine is most often “cats.”)

Anyway, I’ve gotten some ridiculous ones lately. Behold:

The bodies were not discovered by the police until five hours after the plane took off. 
That is probably the most hilarious sentence I have ever, ever, ever seen as a comment on my blog. Ever. I laughed, I cried, I laughed so hard I cried…and then I wondered if that had really happened. If, maybe, several dead people had somehow gotten onto a plane, gotten themselves buckled in, asked the flight attendant for a complimentary warm towel, and then just sat there and waited patiently for the police to discover them.
Of course, I do not subscribe to the notion that the bodies were alive when they boarded the plane. No, no. They must’ve been dead the whole time. But they weren’t zombies…
This is the way my brain works, kids. It makes up weird scenarios that seem more like they should’ve been in a short story I read in middle school.

And then I realized it’s been a long time since I’ve told y’all about the wonderful things people Google to get here:

how to make a bitch fall in love with you – Well, first you stop calling her a bitch, and then you buy her cupcakes.

make him yearn for you – YES. Make him yearn for you by being saucy and full of oomph and zizz and yowza.

inside a black hole – If you’ve ever been there, you must let me know what it’s like. Because that is the way I want to die…getting stretched to oblivion by a black hole.

why isn’t barney on tv anymore? – I don’t really know, my friend. It’s a tragedy and also possibly a travesty, and I personally cry every night wishing that Barney was still in my life.

tiny timmy tokyo – SMALL JAPANESE CHILD YES! Also, this phrase is from a video on youtube from people who do “bad lip readings” of pop songs. This particular gem is from Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA. Enjoy.

Goodnight.

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This Is My Life


My happiness is like the combined happiness of these people.

Two recent searches that brought people to my blog caught my attention today. Someone typed in “Bella Swan stupid,” thereby restoring my faith in humanity. Someone else (who I really really love but who might have a pretty intense form of ADD) wrote “I love you are my best friend big dinosa.” That’s it. They didn’t even finish the word…and the sentence barely makes sense. I’m glad such incoherent babble directs people to this blog.
Whoa. Idea. Maybe the person who typed that in had writer’s block and couldn’t figure out what else to write in their search! This blog is aptly named, if that’s the case. Everyone here has writer’s block. Except me, ironically, because I post sometimes 3 times a day. Oh that is so sad… 

Basically, I love the universe because HELLO, people are actually reading what I write and I can guarantee I don’t know at least 2,000 of them. Which is actually probably pretty weird since Mommy told me not to talk to strangers. 

I think I might mention this drugged-up chick too much.

People told me not to write posts about “pop culture ‘things.'” I told them to shove off. If those people had actually read my posts, they’d know that the majority of them are actually me blithering on about how to do things totally inappropriately/crazily/stupidly. So there. Honestly, I bet some people would rather I wrote a million posts about Ke$ha, but too bad, cuz I’m not gonna do that either. I am a free spirit.

On a side note, my sister just attempted to imitate Eminem, going “hrrnehnur HEH nrr nrr nenny nenny hehnunna.” I might have just peed a little. I wish I could add a little voice clip to this post, but I really don’t think I should bother. It might startle people with heart conditions. 

I wish there was a feature on the blog stats monitor that beeped every time you had a hit on your blog. These past few days, I could’ve been sitting in my room listening to my computer beep like mad. Then when I go back to having 64 readers a day, I could just imagine the beeps I once had and cry, alone, clutching my stuffed bear and rocking back and forth. 

What if, with that blog stats beeper, when you didn’t have any hits it would just make a noise like you were flatlining. You’d know, then, that you should just delete your blog forever and find a new hobby, like knitting or saving orphaned ladybugs. 

I love all of you. I love all of you so much, because I wrote a post about Barney that thousands of people read. The funny thing is, I was so close to throwing that post in the trash because I didn’t think anyone would like it. So I wrote it, almost trashed it, posted it instead, got Freshly Pressed, and created a long dialogue between at least 70 adults about how much they love/hate/don’t care about Barney. I’m so glad this happened. My life is complete. Ish.

The Decline of the Barney Empire


I watched a few minutes of Barney today on PBS and was severely disappointed. Barney is not a good television show anymore, and I am sure it’s not because my tastes have changed. My tastes have not changed – I still love Elmo, the Teletubbies, and Mr. Rogers. Yeah, at least I have the guts to admit to it, unlike all you closet-Teletubbies-watchers out there.

But Barney has really let me down. I remember singing along to rousing choruses of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” (because his name is my name too) but am now forced to hear songs like “Shapes.” I’ll give you a little snippit:

Shapes, shapes, it’s easy my friend.
You can tell a shape by the shape it’s in.
Shapes, shapes, sing it again…

What does that even mean? It’s like they’re trying to tell me something…Of course shapes are shapes…I don’t understand. If I can’t understand, I don’t think a 5 year old can. Please don’t argue with me on that.

Barney and Riff sounding annoying together.

And Barney’s new voice is really annoying.  It always kinda was, but this guy needs to listen to himself a little, because it’s terrible. Or maybe it’s been the same guy since 1991 and he’s just gotten steadily more…and more…and more annoying. His new pally Riff (added to the show in 2006) is pretty obnoxious too. We all know that every dinosaur on the show is a human in a costume, right? But I think it should be noted that the actual voice of each dinosaur is the voice of a completely separate actor. So these people are selected specifically for their voices. I think the Barney people need to get their ears cleaned out before auditions or something.

While I’m on a roll bashing television shows for small children (oops), I should probably add that Barney’s reputation was ruined by the rumors (I call them rumors because I don’t think they could possibly be true) that the old Barney actor used to hide heroin needles in his tail.

But then again, I got that information as a child from another child who thought that Kokanee beer was actually cocaine.