Chapter 2: In Which Everything is Overwelming and I Lose My Mind But in a Good Way

21688163_130984047636455_2539152691532689769_oY’all, I’m tiiiiiired. Or at least I was a few days ago. My jet lag set in after 5 days, which was later than I’d expected. It sucks. I think it’s gone now, as I’ve been here for 8 days and my sleep schedule is finally back to normal.

I’ll tell you this for free, though: it’s awkward realizing you did not try hard enough in your college Spanish classes, and winning the foreign language award for your high school’s graduating class in 2011 does not a fluent Spanish speaker make.

So yep. I’m tired. And I like the food but it’s also so strange? And they eat so much of it at lunch, which is at 2:30 in the afternoon…so I suddenly understand why siestas are a thing. After eating ninety potatoes, who wouldn’t need to rest? Can I just have a permanent beach siesta, please? I don’t want to walk. I don’t even want to breathe. I just want to lay here and listen to the little Spanish children running around in the street saying things I don’t understand. I like doing this, because I don’t have to try to understand them. Their words just float through one ear and land gently in my brain before floating out the other.

But honestly, I’m having a good time. I get to see the ocean every day, and I can actually swim in it. I’m taking a break from being vegetarian so I can try new foods, and I’m accidentally remembering how much I like chicken. Oops. I’ve always kinda hated palm trees, but they look nice here, and some of them are super short and squat and it’s adorable. There are old, beautiful, colorful tiles on some of the buildings and in the parks, and even the pigeons look different here. The dogs here are goofy, sometimes — I saw one man walking 8 chihuahuas at once the other night and took a photo because I’m the biggest tourist ever. I had the song California Dreamin’ stuck in my head all morning, and this afternoon someone drove by blasting it. A few days ago, some random woman was holding a bunny in her arms and yelling across the street at her friends. God knows why, but now I want to move here and start a bunny commune with my friends. This morning, I watched a man hardcore reel in a fish off the pier whilst smoking a cigar. All the flies in this entire country have decided they love me and want to make little fly houses in my hair, on my arms, and in my water glasses. Every. Single. Fly. Yesterday, one day after I’d mentioned I’d never been pooped on by a bird, a little tiny one decided to make my left arm its toilet. I guess I’ll try anything once, but I’d rate the experience 2/10, would not recommend.



imagesIn 2004, a male pair of chinstrap penguins hatched an egg they had been given to incubate at the Central Park Zoo. They adopted a baby, y’all! They helped that little penguito hatch like proper parents! Since then, at least 20 homosexual penguins have been recorded in Japan, and….well, basically, without giving you a list of all of them, there have been quite a few instances of homosexual penguins at zoos. And probably in the wild, but Wikipedia isn’t exactly that great of a resource.

But here’s a question that just begs to be asked: Have you seen any gay penguins get married? No. They’re all dressed up in their tuxes, practically begging for a classy wedding, and what do we do? We call them “life partners,” say they’re cute, but we don’t give them the rights they deserve. We don’t let them squawk their vows before an arctic fox priest says, “You may now peck the bride/groom/penguin.” We don’t let them have a reception and throw bouquets at other macaroni penguins, or cut the cake with their short little wing-flipper things.

Until Buddy and Pedro can tie the knot and waddle down the aisle together, I will remain unmarried. I won’t do it until the gay penguins can.

“But Cappy,” you ask, “is this just your excuse for dying sad and alone surrounded by 12 cats?” Yes, dear muffins, it is. It is mostly an excuse because I live in a house full of girls and don’t tend to meet the fellas too much. But it is also a fight for penguin marriage equality!

I urge you to follow in my footsteps. Do it for Mac and Roni, the macaroni penguins who just want to show the world their love. Do it for America. Do it for equality! DO IT FOR CUTE LITTLE TUXEDOED BIRDS EVERYWHERE!

Special thanks to my Clean Sister Alaina for being the first one to shout, “NOT UNTIL THE PENGUINS CAN!”