If You’re Ever Feeling Ugly


Maybe you look in the mirror and notice that your chin hair (mine’s named Vern, so don’t be ashamed of yours) is growing back with a vengeance. Maybe you have a huge zit right in between your eyebrows, and it’s totally blocking your third eye. It’s possible that your butt grew two sizes overnight (sort of like the Grinch’s heart but in a really inconvenient butt way) and you suddenly can’t even fit into your sweatpants. Or perhaps your lips are so chapped that they’ve ripped apart and you can see the earth’s core in them, the cracks are so deep. Maybe your hair, which is typically voluminous and bouncy like a perpetual shampoo ad, is sticking up in 50 different directions and the when you try to comb it your brush gets stuck and now you have comb hair which isn’t even in style right now…

In any case, here are a few ways to feel less ugly!

1. Pluck your eyebrows. Sometimes they get scraggly and you don’t even notice until suddenly they’re covering your entire face and you have to go at them with a bush whacker.

2. Use a face mask to hide your entire face from the world. They usually feel nice and have weird things like peppermint bobos or teatree monkeys in them. Mine has volcanic ash in it, and that isn’t even a joke; my face is slowly turning into a volcano.

3. Make new pants out of your curtains. Who said only nuns can get creative with draperies?

4. Wear a cat on your head. We’ve all heard the story of The Cat in the Hat, but what about The Cat IS the Hat? That’s a long lost tale from biblical times, I think. Esther had just saved the Jewish people when she suddenly realized she was having a terrible hair day. She knew that she could not be taken seriously if her hair looked bad, so she picked up an alleycat and went about her day. Women are so resourceful!

5. Chuck all of those other tips in the trash. You’re not ugly. Ugly is a stupid social construct, and lately I’ve been on a “damn the man” kick. So say it with me! My chin hair is beautiful!

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My Cat is Cuter Than Yours


20130309-231848.jpgThis topic is not up for discussion. My cat. Is cuter. Than yours.

Because I’m a nutcase cat lady and my cat is legitimately my boyfriend (He’s already wearing a tuxedo! He’s such a classy little gent!), I thought I’d show you a million pictures of him on my blog. I’m like that weird lady that keeps hundreds of pictures of her children in her wallet and accosts you at random moments to brag about their ballet performances, etc.

But you have chosen to be here. You clicked this link, and there’s no going back now. Look. Look at my cute cat.

20130309-231741.jpgAt this particular moment, Mickey had just murdered someone (probably one of my dear relatives, but apparently she wasn’t that dear because I haven’t noticed my cat ate her) and had that crazed look in his eyes. “Hello, Cappy. I am a serial killer. Blooood.”

20130309-231825.jpgThen he decided that tissue paper at Christmastime = snowbank. What a doll.

20130309-233139.jpgHe used to be a little midget! We got him from the Humane Society and I honestly wanted to name him Midge…thankfully, that didn’t happen because he’s 17 lbs now, all lean and fluffy and long. Meow.

20130309-231953.jpgHe lets me snuggle him sometimes in the sunshine. Ain’t nothin’ better.

Seriously, guys, I love my cat way too much.

I’m on Spring Break, muffins! This is very exciting, as I am 2 hours away from boarding a train to the midwest. Stay tuned for updates, since I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a murder, or someone will be stealing a diamond, or maybe we’ll be boarded by drug smugglers in Fargo…either way, something scandalous is bound to happen! Cheers, wish me luck, and TOOT TOOOOOOOOT!

Try Not to Pee. Just. Try.


So, I haven’t written in a while (obviously). Finals are next week and life’s been nuts, but you all know that! For the time being, I wanted to show you some videos I’ve seen lately. We all love animals being silly, so I’ve brought you three of those. And since dancing children is another crowd pleaser, have one of those too :)

Love you all! Enjoy!

1. I’ve watched this way more times than I should admit:

2. This has become my new favorite way of saying no:

3. Yay quacking dog!

He’s better than Elvis (Pay particular attention to 1:25 when he finishes):

Yeah, I’m With the Band


Mama, when I grow up, I’m gonna be in a band. Here are the names I’m considering:

He actually is a linguist.

The Gnome Chompskys
Our first album will be called “We Are Cunning Linguists” in order to pay homage to good ole Noam. And while we’re at it, we’ll throw some references about phonology and socialism into a love song or two. Cuz Noam just makes us want to sing about love. And old Jewish men. And moles.

Soggy Cereal
Picture this: all girl punk band. Hot, right? And if our first album was called “Praise the Lord, My Cereal’s Cold,” you’d buy it…right?

A Wave Past Dawn
Think Stevie Nicks 30 years ago, complete with scarves, a tambourine, that slightly hazy look, and some damn cool hair. That’s me. It’s all about the vibes, all about the music. The members of the band only matter so far as the music that they make. That’s why my bandmates will be three cats and a pogo stick. And that, my friends, will also be the name of our first album.

Maya Rudolph Ate My Cake
A comedy band comprised of SNL lookalikes. I’ll be going for Andy Samberg’s look, but if I miss and hit Nasim Pedrad, I think I’ll survive. First album? “Just Wait Till I Pull Myself Out of This Garbage Can.”

You Killed My Ladybug
Screamo. I mean really, with a name like that, you must’ve known that I was an angry girl. Album: “Now You Must Pay; I Accept Cash, Check, and Most Major Credit Cards.”

And finally, Steezii Jeez
I was destined to make it big as a rapper. I’ve got the look (blonde), the attitude (slightly passive but loud), and the clothes (jeans that are too loose cuz I wore them 3 days in a row). Get ready for “Uptown Girl, Part One: I’ll Shank You.”

A Cat Will Never Say:


1. “Let’s just be friends.”
Obviously, cats can’t speak, so they can’t say anything. But if they could speak, they would never tell you they didn’t love you. You scratch their ears, for heaven’s sake! Of course they love you.

2. “Please stop calling me those annoying baby names.”
You can name your cat Muffin or Binky and it won’t care. And when you make up weird nicknames, like Midget and Bibbet, they can’t protest.

3. “PLAY WITH ME!”
Dogs are really annoying and always want attention. Cats don’t really care what you do, as long as you let them lay in the sun and/or on your pillow.

4. “I’ll call you.”
Cats can’t pick phones up, so this one kinda goes without saying. Plus, how weird would it be to answer the phone and hear a bunch of meowing?

5. “That sweater totally doesn’t go with those boots.”
Cats, if they were human, would have amazing fashion sense. But they aren’t human, so…basically, they can’t talk. Plus, they don’t care what you wear as long as they can shed all over it.

6. “Stop eating so much, it’ll go straight to your hips.”
Cats don’t care what you eat, as long as you cuddle them. Honestly, they probably like it when your hips are a little extra-squishy.

7. “No, I don’t dance.”
There’s never been anything more annoying than a guy who can’t or won’t dance. Your cat, however, doesn’t mind if you pick him/her up and dance with him in the kitchen. So go on, turn on your old record of Danke Schoen and dance away.

8. “Why haven’t you bathed in three days?”
Because if a cat thinks you smell bad, it’ll just nap until you take a bath.

Cat ladies unite! We’re all in this together! Or rather, alone in our houses with our 6 cats…

Outside My Window, Something Seranades Me


 

Is this you? Are you this?

Dear weird owlet/cat/small child outside my window,

First of all, what are you? You are making a strange squealing/squeaking/(dare I say) burping noise that I can’t properly identify you by. This species ambiguity is freaking me out.

Also, why must you make this noise outside my window? Like…RIGHT outside my window? Every single night this week, it’s been “squeal/squeak/burp” over and over and over until I have to practically blast The Strokes to drown you out. But once they’re blasting, sleep is out of the question since The Strokes are louder than you anyway.

See how difficult you are making my life?

Maybe you could move to a different tree/shrub/hole in the ground. And hopefully you aren’t a small child, because that’s creepy and dangerous – you could be eaten by a coyote or owl or something even scarier, like Katy Perry. I’ve heard she shoots babies with her whipped cream gun bra.

With all due respect, I ask you to shut up.

GoodNIGHT,

Cappy

The People Who Read This…


Just one of the many ways to access my blog.

…apparently get here by clicking really weird stuff.

Maybe their cat sits on their computer mouse or something. Or they have a really violent spasm and whack the keyboard super hard. I have gotten:

 A LOT of hits from people clicking this link: obama-scandal-exposed.co.vids. I don’t even know what that is. Sorry, all you people who are expecting a naughty video of the president.

A couple from fitness websites…yeah, I sit on my butt all day and write these blogs. No fitness there.

A surprisingly large amount from porn sites. I’m really creeped out.

60 gazillion (I wish) from various law offices offering representation for mesothelioma patients. I can’t cure your sickness (which I believe has something to do with your lungs), but I can make you laugh! …Is laughing good for people with lung problems? I don’t want to spark a spontaneous laugh attack that ends up killing you. MESOTHELIOMA PATIENTS, PLEASE DON’T READ MY BLOG! Oh no, now I’m making fun of you. I love you, I promise…

And then there are the words people type into google:

“Meaning of looksies, no feelsies.” Well. It’s pretty self explainatory, really. In fact, I don’t want to explain it because I’ll feel like a twit because it’s soooo obvious.

“Robert Pattinson.” Sorry, I don’t love him. Hopefully you were hoping to read something about how much he sucks.

“Hateable character.” That’d be Bella Swan. You’ve come to the right place.

“How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You (Part 5).” I was surprised how many people typed the exact name of a few of my blog posts into search engines At least I know someone out there is looking for my writing. Maybe.

And finally, the ever wonderful “www.bymyink.wordpress.com.” Yeah, that’d be my family. I don’t think they understand that you don’t have to google web addresses.

Anyway, I thought people loved me, but it turns out I only get hits on this site because of cats sneezing onto keyboards or some such nonsense. Boo :(