A Few Fuck-Yous…


...Brought to you by international air and train travel. 1. Fuck you for wearing your skunk perfume on a plane (also on the train...I'm looking at you, passengers of renfe who showered in old man cologne). I'm glad you're making an effort to smell good but we're all hurtling through the sky in a coke... Continue Reading →

Can We Discuss Disney Princesses Though


I was on the phone with my dad yesterday crying (surprise) over my lack of romantic luck recently. He gave me some really wonderful advice, the most hilarious of which came when he said, "The worst thing Disney ever did for society was write those stupid happy endings." Or something to that effect -- I tend... Continue Reading →

If You’re Ever Feeling Ugly


Maybe you look in the mirror and notice that your chin hair (mine's named Vern, so don't be ashamed of yours) is growing back with a vengeance. Maybe you have a huge zit right in between your eyebrows, and it's totally blocking your third eye. It's possible that your butt grew two sizes overnight (sort of like the... Continue Reading →

India


So uh...in case you guys were wondering... I'M GOING TO INDIA. This summer. Study abroad. INDIAAAAAAAA. Whatevs. I found out today while I was studying for an exam (I may have been so heavily caffeinated that upon receiving the email I had an excitement- and caffeine-induced seizure in the library) and was immediately distracted, so... Continue Reading →

Little Squeaks


Last night, I was really worried there was a mouse in my apartment. A real one, with little ears and whiskers and possibly rabies, and it made me very nervous. Now, remember, I pride myself on not being creeped out by bugs or snakes or small rodents (except squirrels, because they're always up to no... Continue Reading →

Props to Edward the Groceryman


I got groceries today. This is not a particularly novel activity, as I have seen groceries before. Heck, I've even purchased them for my mother. But today, I took a bus to get them. This is also not very exciting. I've looked at busses, stood in the rain and been splashed by busses, and even... Continue Reading →


Dear Friends, Well, 2013 sure did fly by -- like me, on my private jet, flying off to Morocco. I have, once again, had an amazing year that was probably much more exciting than yours. As you probably read in the tabloids, my new lover Mickey and I were swept up in a whirlwind romance... Continue Reading →

I Have a Few Issues With Bathrooms


Bathrooms should be sanctuaries. Sanctuaries where we poo. But lately I've been noticing a lot of issues with these supposed "tranquil" areas.1. Why does the bathroom stall door open inward? Because when I'm on campus, wearing a backpack and a huge coat (it hath snowed, everyone), I already barely fit in the stall while the... Continue Reading →

Sad Banana


Imagine: A rain stick swishes softly in the background. A girl performs an interpretive dance involving a lot of stretching, then balling up on the ground, then stretching, then rolling around. Then stretching, while I recite the poem... Oh, banana. Why are you so sad? Yellow butter skin bruised by the softest touch bruised by... Continue Reading →

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