A Few Guarantees For My Wedding

I’m getting married, y’all!

Psych. I should probably actually talk to boys first. Well, actually, I should talk to men…but I’m easing my way up…I’m still shy around 10 year olds. Anyway, if I were to get married, here are a few things I can guarantee about the wedding.

1. There will be no tulle involved. None. A lady came into the fabric store I worked at and ordered 30 YARDS of tulle because she was making her wedding gown. And to that I say, no. No no no no no. One inch of tulle is too much.

2. No garters for you. Nobody needs to see my leg on my wedding night except my husband, and he will definitely not be removing a garter with his teeth (I saw that once and was very uncomfortable). People don’t wear garters anymore, guys.

3. I will mandate that everyone wears incredibly bright colors to my wedding. None of this taupe nonsense, please. We’re celebrating, and colors will be involved.

4. I will be allowed to make several awkward and not-funny jokes while at the altar. No one will laugh, and that’s ok. I will also probably trip as I walk down the aisle, and that’s ok too. My husband-to-be will also make awkward jokes, and I will laugh because I like awkward jokes, and then we will kiss in front of a bunch of people which is also technically super awkward.

5. I will not be bridezilla because this is not my day, this is just a day. A very happy day, of course, and I will be ecstatic, but I will not turn into The Hulk and murder people when I don’t get my way.

6. I will more than likely wear a red dress at the reception.

7. I will give a toast at my wedding because I like attention and also I have never given a toast and really want to.

8. You are required to dance. Also, there will be no soul music. Most likely there will be one or two Mark Knopfler songs for the slow ones, and after that if you’re not jitterbugging and/or limboing, you’re not welcome at my wedding anymore.

9. We will smoosh cake in each others faces, if only because I really want to know what that feels like.

10. I will drink champagne out of the bottle, because that is both classy and stupid which are the two words that I want to epitomize everything about my life.

You’re all invited. I’d like cookware for presents.


I Got Married at a Party

With this ring, I thee...see ya.

With this ring, I thee…see ya.

Once, I was married for about three seconds. Well, okay, that’s a lie, but it felt that way.

I should start by saying that I don’t really go to parties, because:

1. Drinking is illegal for me, as I’m only 19 and in the U.S. you have to be 21. Which I personally think is a mistake, since everyone in college wants to drink and will find a way to do it whether it’s legal or not, but that’s beside the point.

2. Most parties in college consist of a lot of alcohol consumed by a lot of people.

3. See number 1.

So I don’t tend to go out to parties much, but about two months ago I did, (and didn’t drink, Mom!) and was having a lovely time dancing on my own (because boys are afraid of my sick moves) when my friend noticed a guy standing behind me, staring at me. She thought this meant that he wanted to dance, but I personally thought it was because he was out of his mind on a whole lot of illegal substances which could potentially have put him in the hospital. But at this point, he was at least semi-responsive and looking at me, and somehow managed to ask me if I’d like to dance. I said yes, mainly because I am an awkward monkey and don’t know how to talk to someone whose blood is half alcohol and half weed.

We had been dancing for about 3 seconds when he rubbed my butt. With his hand. In a very…rubby…way. And then he removed his hand from my trouser area (thank goodness) and held my hand. Really strongly, in an “I am now dating you” sort of way. I know this sounds so ridiculous, but I think it was one of the nicest hand-holding experiences I’ve had, creepy guy/butt rub aside. And then he looked deep into my eyes, and might’ve continued to my soul had he not been so wasted that his gaze shifted to my ear.

The point is, I got a butt rub, hand hold, and soul-searching gaze all in about 10 seconds before he walked away, at which point I busted out laughing for about a year. Because really, I could’ve been creeped out or offended, but this sort of thing would only happen to me. My friends? Would’ve danced with a normal fellow and had nice conversation. Me? Butt rub hand hold all the way.

Oh, and did I mention that I sat about 10 feet away from him in my class two days later? Yeah. I see him all the time. Best part? He doesn’t remember. But I do. I remember. And he is my husband. My creepy, slightly rapey husband.


A Cat Will Never Say:

1. “Let’s just be friends.”
Obviously, cats can’t speak, so they can’t say anything. But if they could speak, they would never tell you they didn’t love you. You scratch their ears, for heaven’s sake! Of course they love you.

2. “Please stop calling me those annoying baby names.”
You can name your cat Muffin or Binky and it won’t care. And when you make up weird nicknames, like Midget and Bibbet, they can’t protest.

Dogs are really annoying and always want attention. Cats don’t really care what you do, as long as you let them lay in the sun and/or on your pillow.

4. “I’ll call you.”
Cats can’t pick phones up, so this one kinda goes without saying. Plus, how weird would it be to answer the phone and hear a bunch of meowing?

5. “That sweater totally doesn’t go with those boots.”
Cats, if they were human, would have amazing fashion sense. But they aren’t human, so…basically, they can’t talk. Plus, they don’t care what you wear as long as they can shed all over it.

6. “Stop eating so much, it’ll go straight to your hips.”
Cats don’t care what you eat, as long as you cuddle them. Honestly, they probably like it when your hips are a little extra-squishy.

7. “No, I don’t dance.”
There’s never been anything more annoying than a guy who can’t or won’t dance. Your cat, however, doesn’t mind if you pick him/her up and dance with him in the kitchen. So go on, turn on your old record of Danke Schoen and dance away.

8. “Why haven’t you bathed in three days?”
Because if a cat thinks you smell bad, it’ll just nap until you take a bath.

Cat ladies unite! We’re all in this together! Or rather, alone in our houses with our 6 cats…

Society Told Me Not To

Society: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Me: Shove it!

Society has told me (yep, it speaks) that I shouldn’t do these things in public:

1. Don’t dance down the skywalk.
People can see you. It is weird to drive down the street, look up for a moment, and see someone gettin’ jiggy with it in a suspended hallway. Also, people who are walking through the skywalk while you are dancing in it will be scared and/or confused. They will not join in with you, because life is not High School Musical and people don’t all dance in sync at random moments. No matter how much you wish you could, you should not dance in the skywalk.
Know what I say to that? HAHAHA, because I do it anyway. Yeah, I’m that girl flailing around in the skywalk.

2. Don’t sing in the rain. Or anywhere else where people are watching, for that matter.
Yeah, Gene Kelly did it, but that doesn’t mean you should. Technically he wasn’t in public, because it was a fictional movie. Singing in public, no matter how overjoyed you are, is annoying and will make people want to hit you with rotten fruit (though why anyone would carry rotten fruit around with them, nobody knows).
Know what I say to that? I don’t believe in fiction. Everything is real. Also, I don’t care, I will sing if I like. I will burst into song in the middle of lunch. (I will swallow my food before I burst into song in the middle of lunch.) I will burst into song when I’m walking down the street and the air smells good and I bloody well feel like singing.

3. Don’t laugh so much.
It makes your face go all red and spreads your nose across it. That is not attractive. Also, too much laughing can give the impression that you’re stupid.
Know what I say to that? Hahahahahahhahahahahha!

4. Don’t do creepy things to people, no matter how hilarious you might think it’d be.
Don’t wink or wiggle your eyebrows suggestively at people who are only slightly your friends (even if you are obviously joking, because people are stupid and won’t understand that you’re joking). Honestly, you just shouldn’t joke when around with people because your sense of humor is easily misinterpereted as insanity and someone will chuck you into the loony bin.
Know what I say to that? Nothing, but I do give it a suggestive eyebrow wiggle and a pat on the bottom.


Halloween: it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not to be confused with Christmas, which is the most SnoWonderful time of the year.

It went something like this. Really. I'm so proud of my costume.

I dressed as Ke$ha, which probably makes me a big hypocrite, because I ranted last week about why people shouldn’t be tarts on Halloween. But I promise you this: I did not act like a tart, nor did anyone see my goods this weekend. …So you can rest assured that no one went blind on Halloween night. Anyway, I did the whole “Hi, I’m Ke$ha, I don’t brush my hair and I use so much hairspray there’s a hole in the ozone above my head” deal. Let’s just say there was a lot of eye makeup involved. It was the best time of my life. Who knew ripped fishnets were so freeing? 
I did not, repeat did nottttt, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. Those shenanigans are unnecessary.

I sooo got my dance on. Really. Someone told me people were watching me dance because I was good, but I’m pretty sure it was more “People are watching you so they don’t get smacked in the face with one of your flailing limbs.”

Tip from the wise (ie me): Don’t grind so much, people. I am ashamed that my generation thinks that dry humping each other constitutes as dancing. I am also horrified that some girls were ACTUALLY bending over and touching their toes. I was just praying for one of them to fall over and break her nose and all her teeth. Heeheehee.
Another tip: Swimsuit tops and short shorts are not costumes. They are what you wear to the beach in July, not out in the end of (COLD) October. 
Aaaand a warning: If you grind on your girl, that’s your deal (though I will warn you that I’m pretty sure you’ll get some sort of STD). But if you grind on your girl and get your butt all up in my space, I WILL  pretend to grind on you when you don’t know it. For five minutes. While everyone watches. I will pretend to grind hard. Because I don’t mind being a creeper.

So there you have it, folks. Don’t take candy from strangers. I think that’s a good moral for this story.

How to Dress for Halloween

In light of the many parties you will undoubtedly attend (you cheeky minxes), I shall now bestow upon you my supreme knowledge of costumes.
I’ll start with what NOT to wear. Because I’m better at being negative.

Please refrain from any type of “slutty [insert noun here].” If you’re going to go out dressed like a prostitute, just say you’re dressed like a prostitute. Don’t try to cover it up by saying you’re a cat or a French maid or a muffin. I don’t know how anyone could make a muffin sexy, but someone should try it and send me a photo. Come to think of it, anyone who can make a muffin costume sexy should just wear it every day.
If you’re going to a dance party and you plan on gettin’ your bump on, make sure that your dress/skirt is long enough that it won’t be riding up around your neck 30 seconds into a dance. While some men you dance with may enjoy this, many will be terrified at the prospect of dancing with your panties (even if they’re only scared of what their girlfriend will say).

Wearing masks scares people. Sure, be a gorilla and wear a mask- IF you’re at a house party with seven of your closest friends. Otherwise, going to a bar/club/party with large amounts of strangers = everyone feels sketched out around you. Don’t expect to get your dance on unless your mask is off, you sketchy possible axe-murderer.

What you SHOULD wear:
Clothing. The end.
But really, there should be no undergarments showing…unless you are A) dressed as a gigantic undergarment or B) accustomed to wearing that type of outfit/are a prostitute.
Be Aphrodite or something. She’s classy. Or an old film star. Or a rocker chick – those are sexy AND they wear pants. 
Think of something really clever, like “tickled pink” (wear all pink clothes and carry a feather) or “happy hour” (wear a huge clock costume and smile a lot). That last one might be tough to dance in.

I have seen so many guys dress up as Mormons (bike helmets, skinny ties, slacks) that I don’t know what to do with myself. So maybe that costume is all the rage this year.  I’ve also seen more guidos than I would’ve liked (but if I’d seen the real Pauly D, I probably wouldn’t complain so much)…so be creative. Dress up. There is a serious problem plaguing our country: men don’t dress up as much as women do. On New Years Eve, dates in general, and Halloween, the girls always get way more into dressing up (whether in costume or just fancy clothes) than the guys. So man up, men!
I would like to say that I saw a Mr. Peanut on Saturday night and almost peed myself (kidding) in excitement. Ohh, early Halloween parties, you make me happy.

Now I’m scared that I’ll find a costume that I love that both is called “slutty [insert noun here]” AND shows my undergarments. If that happens, you can totally call me a hypocrite. Loudly.

How to Dance

In honor of the many upcoming homecoming dances at various colleges and high schools around the world/country/universe, I have compiled a list of fool-proof methods to help you get your dance on.

I’m not exactly sure that I have the authority to write this since nowadays, with all the fist pumping and booty bumping and krumping (ohhh you kids and your baggy pants!) and whatnot, it’s not so much dancing as it’s having sex in a big heap with your clothes on. But I’ll try my hardest.

1. Don’t try to pull off anything too impressive.
If you’re reading this in the hopes of learning how to dance, you obviously (ish) are a terrible dancer and therefore should refrain from any serious salsa/tango/mambo/chacha moves. Basically, don’t do anything latin or organized, because you will inevitably be crap at it.
If you really want to try any of these don’t take yourself too seriously, cuz you’ll look like a huge fool if you fail.

2. Don’t grind like a twit.
Sure, we all have sexual frustrations and we need an outlet to…frustrate them…but that should be saved for bedrooms/supply closets/bathrooms. Or the set of “Dirty Dancing. ”
Get your passion on, sure, but maybe actually face each other while you do.

3. Don’t be a complete idiot and jump around with your arms in the air the whole time.
Odds are a short person below you will be either wiped with your sweat or elbowed in the head. Let’s be safe.

4. Loosen your joints!
If you’re not actually doing the robot, try not to look like you are. Loosen up, move your hips, don’t look like you’re having a spasm, etc etc.

5. Don’t be a downer.
You know you like to dance. Unless you’re a Quaker  or live in the musical “Footloose,” you’re allowed to dance. You want to dance! So do it. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer.

In all honesty, folks, you should just go out there and have a good time. Dancing is really fun and can be passionate and whatnot and there’s really no point in feeling self-conscious or stupid the whole time. Let your hair down and have fun! After all, I tend to look like a complete fool when I dance and I still manage to have a good time.
And above all, do not, repeat DO NOT, let the DJ play the Cha-Cha Slide three times.