Can We Discuss Disney Princesses Though

I was on the phone with my dad yesterday crying (surprise) over my lack of romantic luck recently. He gave me some really wonderful advice, the most hilarious of which came when he said, “The worst thing Disney ever did for society was write those stupid happy endings.” Or something to that effect — I tend to describe things a little more sassily than he does.

Anyway, it got me thinking: according to Disney, everything works out in the end if you’re a quiet woman in a patriarchal society. I am not quiet, and I’m actively attempting to smash the patriarchy at every turn, so I’m a little concerned about what this means for my love life. Also, I’m not exactly straight so I just wanna know what Disney would recommend if I’m trying to woo a mermaid, but I doubt I’ll be getting any answers on that front any time soon.

I’ve never wanted to be a princess, but I’m realizing that in a Disney world, I would have to be in order to fall in love, so uh…here we go. Now, there are a few (million) necessary adjustments I must make to my life in order to attain princess perfection:

  1. Become tiny. Which might be difficult since I’m 6′ and not exactly slender. Maybe I can cut my legs off at the knees, which would successfully reduce my weight and height in one fell swoop. It would also allow me to become helpless. Maybe my prince would be down to push me around in a wheelchair for the rest of eternity (which is obviously also how long our love would last).
  2. Replace my sweet mother with some horrible woman who wants to lock me in a tower or make me mop her floors and take care of her fat, evil cat. I could probably start looking for that type of woman at the local Chicos clothing store. The more chunky jewelry, the better, I’d assume.
  3. Become straight. And probably develop a dwarf and/or squirrel fetish.
  4. Don’t leave the house unless I look immaculate (note to self: find fairy godstylist). Only do housework if forced to. Allow mice to take up residence in my apartment.
  5. Immediately unlearn every self defense skill I’ve ever been taught. Walk into forests alone at night. Take food from strangers. Make deals with weird octopi in ocean caves. Make out with frogs even though they probably have weird swamp bacteria all over their bodies. Totally wander into random cabins in the woods without worrying about some racist hillbilly coming in and axe murdering me while I’m fast asleep.
  6. Let teacups teach me about love. Employ candlesticks for both light and therapeutic advice. Become easily impressed by silverware. Become way too obsessed with my hair for anyone’s good (this one might not be too tricky for me).
  7. Stop talking. This might be hard, as I don’t think I’ve spent more than 3 hours in silence at any given time. I even talk in my sleep, for goodness sake.
  8. Assume kissing men will always be magical and totally save my life. Because obviously everyone knows how to kiss me the way I’d like. None of them will shove their tongues down my throat (princes don’t actually possess tongues, anyway) or drool on me (and yes, before you ask, that has happened to me and I really don’t want to talk about it). Let random twerps kiss me just in case it helps my situation in life.

I think that’s it.

And yes, I’m super serious about the squirrel fetish.


I Gots Opinions

Blogging three times this week may be breaking my record for the year. I miss you guys, and I really hope you missed me, because without you I’m just typing to myself while shivering because this apartment is so damn cold…and that’s just depressing. So hi! I love you all, and I’m really trying to get back to my blog-y self!

I realized recently that in the past two years, this blog really has changed. It started out as a humor blog, but as I grew up I faced a lot of real challenges: depression, anxiety, confusion about my sexual orientation, traveling abroad and getting e. coli, just being in college, dropping out of a sorority… It felt hard to be funny, you know? I’d sit down to blog and I’d either:

A) Have no clue what to say because my brain was so exhausted from my stats class that all I wanted to do was eat pie and sleep. Or…

B) Totally know what I wanted to write about but feel restricted. I think I feel like I’m not allowed to write about certain things because my parents and family read this, or because friends of mine subscribe and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone by what I say. Of course, there’s always the “I need a job someday so I probably shouldn’t swear too much or talk about any suspicious activities” but then I remember that I very rarely act suspicious and to my knowledge have not committed a crime (unless you count being too damn sexy). I’m an adult. I’m 22 years old, and even though I don’t feel 22 (Taylor Swift lied), I’m at least qualified to talk about things in a very direct and sassy way.

I gots opinions, y’all. They’re hilarious and totally worth your time, so here it goes:

1. Should you choose to be a dude and let your chain hang low (whatever the hell that means), maybe pull up your damn pants. If I have to see one more guy waddling around with a belt around his thighs with his little booty cheeks sticking out for all the world to see, I will scream. I will scream at your butt, sir.

2. Maybe we could all just stop driving trucks, because unless you need that truck to haul logs or move hogs or to dig out bogs, I would really appreciate you not getting 8 mpg just for the hell of it. Save your money and go on vacation or something. On a similar note…

3. Could we all put this “I’m country” act to bed? I grew up on eight acres of field with a little orchard. My neighbors lived far away from me. I went to school in a farm town. Technically, of all of us, I’m country. (Except dear God I’m not.) You grew up in downtown Seattle and dirt is a foreign concept to you. Have you ever seen a cow? Have you been to the county fair? So I know we live in a town near some wheat fields, but maybe stop talking with a totally unexplained southern accent, and take off your damn Carhartt.

4. Enough with Tinder. You aren’t going to find the love of your life on that stupid dating app, and to be honest you probably won’t even find someone to make out with tonight. I used it once, and ended up getting stood up like 3 different times and going on a few dates with a complete jackass. If you want to date someone, just walk up to someone in class or at the bar or in the freaking grocery store. If you want to hook up, walk up to someone in class or at the bar or in the freaking grocery store. You’re only ever going to find a bunch of weirdos who send you unsolicited pictures of their penises without warning, and nobody wants to deal with that.

5. If you insist on using dating apps, utilize spellcheck. Your phone has autocorrect for a reason, and that reason is: you can’t spell worth a damn. “Hay girl your hott” literally makes me want to vomit, especially if you’re a 26 year old elementary school teacher. Also, if you’re a 26 year old, stop looking for random college girls and start making friends your own age. It’s like when people would graduate from high school and come visit the sophomores at lunch. Everyone thought it was cool until they realized that those high school graduates were reeeeally lame.

6. Speaking of dick pics…what the hell. I still don’t get it. I’ve tried so hard to understand the motivation behind sending them, but I just cannot understand. There’s nothing inherently wrong with male genitalia, but I can assure you that it is much more pleasant when it is seen in person. When you want to see it. When it’s attached to a guy you like. Who is being nice to you. And who doesn’t just whip it out willy-nilly (get it, willy? HA) without any warning.
Basically, think of it this way. I have no idea what to do with a picture of your penis except yell, “OH DEAR GOD” and immediately show it to all my friends who also think it’s icky. You just sexually assaulted me via telephone, and my brain just exploded because why did you do that I can’t figure out why you did that and then it takes every ounce of my self-restraint to not throw my phone across the room in horror.
Most recipients of dick pics don’t sit there staring at the picture for hours pining for it. Most recipients feel violated and dirty and just want you to stop virtually rubbing your genitalia all over their phone.


One Time, A Guy Sang At Me

I always feel really conflicted when men come up and do things that they clearly think are nice when really they’re just making me uncomfortable.

So…for example, one time a guy sang at me. I say he sang at me because I sort of just sat there, bewildered, while I was accosted by Justin Bieber lyrics. He had approached me in the student union, asked me my name and told me I had a “beautiful smile.” He then proceeded to ask me if I had a boyfriend, because he’d “seen my boyfriend this morning. In the mirror.”

Clever. Also why is this happening?

Then he grabbed my hand (stop stop I do not do well with random strangers touching me please stop) and sang “Boyfriend” by Justin Bieber. I think at that point we might’ve gotten engaged, but I really don’t know because I think maybe I have PTSD and also I was focusing on trying to extricate my hand from his grip while simultaneously not seeming like a bitch.

And that’s the issue. I didn’t want to seem like a bitch. He was invading my personal space, particularly because I was trying to do my homework and didn’t really want to have a weird conversation with a random guy. But somehow I was concerned with making him feel comfortable in the situation; my entire life I’ve been subtly told that it’s my job to make sure that men feel comfortable, which…barf, no.

This is the type of thing that women navigate daily. It can be really lovely when people come up to you and say nice things and or just want to brighten your day by giving you a compliment. But it’s can also be really frustrating, because sometimes men assume that women want that sort of thing all the time, and we don’t. Sometimes we just want to get on with our lives without someone assuming that it’s okay to invade our space and make us uncomfortable. I didn’t know that guy. I didn’t want to go on a date with him. I actually told him I had a girlfriend, which was a total lie, and I still don’t totally know why I did that. I wanted to show him that I was both uninterested and unavailable for him while not having to actually say that out loud (thinking back, I probably should’ve just told him I wanted him to leave me alone). But even after I outed myself as not heterosexual to a random stranger, he stayed. That was when he started singing to me and holding my hand.

I laughed about it later with my roommate, because it was so random and out of nowhere, but I definitely felt more bewildered than happy about what had happened. Often, women have interactions with men that make them uncomfortable, and we just walk away from those encounters feeling bad and confused. I think we typically don’t feel justified in being upset about these types of things, because often men’s response is “why can’t you just take the compliment?”

I don’t want to be “complimented” like that. I do not want to be touched by strangers. I do not want to be sang to by strangers. I do not want to be hit on by strangers when I’m minding my own business at 4 pm in the student union.

I don’t know. This post was originally going to be a funny story about a weird thing that happened to me, but I couldn’t write it that way. As I wrote, I just felt weird. I don’t want people to do that; I don’t do that to other people. I just want to go about my life without people touching me without my permission simply because I’m a woman and they assume that I’ll be flattered. It was kinda creepy, to be honest. And I’m aware that some doofus is going to comment on this post and tell me I’m being a bitch, but at least people on the internet can’t try to hold my hand.

I’m Not FOR Men

I’d like to clear a few things up.

As a bisexual woman, I encounter a lot of nonsense on a daily basis. I hear these bizarre — and offensive — comments on a pretty regular basis, mostly from men but sometimes from women. But let’s be real…I mostly hear this shit from men.

“Oh, you like chicks AND dudes? That’s hot.”

No. I am not for you. When you hear that I’m not exclusively interested in men, you still think that my sexuality is something for you to enjoy? You hear that I like kissing girls and you think I’m doing that for you? You poor, poor moron. This is all for me.

“Oh, so you must sleep around a lot.”
I have the same sex drive as anyone else. I just am driven toward both men and women. But thank you for basically calling me a slut?

“Oh, so you just can’t decide whether you’re straight or gay.”
Yes. Obviously I am experimenting. Testing out both ponds in order to decide which one I’d like to swim in forever.
NO! Sexuality is a spectrum. A continuum. A lot of people are sexually attracted to both men and women. I’m not indecisive, this isn’t a phase, I’m not experimenting because it’s college and I like to drunk-kiss girls. This is a thing I have always felt, and it is who I am.

This shit gets really annoying. So I keep it to myself, mostly. I don’t feel the need to be explicit or particularly public about my sexuality, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to hide it in order to feel comfortable. It’s frustrating that people find it acceptable to not only have these ideas and thoughts, but to express them to my face, often while attempting to hit on me.

So be a good, sensitive, intelligent human. Educate yourself. Use good manners. And please, for the love of god, stop asking me if I’ll have a threesome with you and some random girl.

Are You Single or What?!

Im_Single_display_copyThe world needs to be clearly labeled so I don’t make a fool of myself. For example, I’d appreciate if, when I was lost as a driver, I could pop up a sign that says, “I’m not from around here, so I will be driving weirdly for the next few blocks. Please don’t road rage at me.”

More importantly, though (let’s be real, it doesn’t matter if I get critically injured in a road rage incident, because I don’t even have a boyfriend), I would love if men could wear signs that say, “I am single” / “I am SO NOT SINGLE” / “I am single but I find you repulsive.” So much less confusion would ensue. I don’t do subtlety well at all, so I kinda need to be conked over the head with romance (which, in itself is supposed to be subtle…basically, I don’t do well with romance).

Also, I could then let people know that I am not asexual, I’m just constantly uncomfortable and kinda weird. It’d go something like this:

“Hello, I am a single lady, please take my hand and try to woo me. But please, do not send me pictures of your genitals or your biceps, because I do not want them and you need to keep that to yourself. Take me out for a nice dinner and tell me I’m funny. Laugh at my jokes. Laugh at more of my jokes. Laugh when I do something awkward/stupid. Kiss me goodnight. Don’t rest your tongue in my mouth. Thank you.”

And I’d be looking for a nice, tall boy who had a nice sense of style (seriously, boys, learn how to dress yourselves) whose sign said:

“I am a single fella. Sometimes I say fella as a joke because I’m super hilarious. I like thinking about things, and I don’t say “that’s gay” or “that’s retarded” because I’m sensitive…but not so sensitive that I’ll cry when I’m stressed or if you accidentally offend me. I’ll laugh at your jokes, even the ones that make no sense, because I’ll understand them. I don’t have a habit of doing weird things with my tongue when I kiss girls goodnight.”

And that is how the world would go ’round. Wouldn’t life be easier?

Effective Techniques for Dumping an Un-Boyfriend

We’ve all had one. You’re not sure where you stand; does he really like your butt, or is this a booty call? Or does he want to hardcore define the relationship?

1. Ignore him. He texts you? Ignore. He calls you? Ignore. You see him in person? Turn around. (Or use my preferred method and hide behind a tree…make sure it’s a stationary object and not a car, cuz once that car drives away you’re screwed.)

2. Beginners can start out with the Minimal Effort Response. He elaborates in detail about how his day was and how it made him feel? You say, “Nice.”
Basically, respond with “cool,” “nice,” “sweet,” “okay,” and other similar vocabulary. If possible, shorten the words (okay = k).

3. Bro out. Overuse the hang-loose hand gesture. Call him buddy and slap him on the back a lot. Offer to spot him while he’s benching.

4. Conversely, casually mention how attractive you find his friend…over…and over…and over.
Set him up with someone else. “Hey, wanna go on a date? …With my friend?”  Tell him he’s perfect…for your sorority sister.
Warning: This may result in him saying, “Yeah, your friend’s pretty, but you’re beautiful” or other similar responses. If this happens…

5. Turn the cling on. Emoticon usage must increase by at least 95%. Winky faces are preferred.
When he asks how your day was, say, “Good, but it would’ve been better if you’d been by my side.” This is also an appropriate response when he asks how your classes were, how your dinner was, how the gym was, and especially how you slept.
Keep him up to date with your emotions. Don’t just tell him how dinner was, tell him how it made you feel. Tell him exactly how long you cried when you failed that test.
Keep him up to date with your menstrual cycle. Tell him you are bleeding, and word it exactly like that. Use medical terminology like “menstruating” and “uterus” liberally.
Ask him if you can keep a drawer at his house. Leave your toothbrush in his bathroom even when you’ve never spent the night.
Tell him you want a baby, and you hope it has his eyes.

6. Actually man up and tell him that you don’t like him. But really, who’s gonna do that?

Props to my gal pal Courtney for helping me out with this! Check her out here.

No Touching!

Some of the things people do when they’re in relationships amaze me. Like, how exactly does the kissing-photograph go down? “Hey, I really like you, so we should take a photo together while we kiss.” No. I’m sorry, but that’s really annoying. And if you do that, then…well, stop. It might be less obnoxious if you didn’t upload it to Facebook immediately, but then it’d just be sitting around in your house and that’s pretty annoying too.
So here’s what couples shouldn’t do in public.
1. Give each other massages.
Um. What? Why? Why are you touching her like that while I’m at a party trying to eat my bag of Doritos in peace? I want to eat the WHOLE BAG, and if you make me vomit it up….
2. Nibble.
Just don’t. Wait until later. Find a supply closet for all I care, just DON’T NIBBLE EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.
3. Take photos together constantly.
I will break your camera. Group shots are fun. Even the really obnoxious “taking a photo of yourself and a couple people by extending your arm in front of you like a fool” is okay every once in a while. But please, don’t do it constantly. I don’t want to be interrupted mid-sentence by you smooching your boyfriend while clicking away at your camera. Like I said, I’ll break the dang thing.
4. Talk as if you’re one entity.
You probably spend a lot of time together, and that’s great. But once you start to be defined by a relationship and ONLY talk about the things you do together, we have a problem.
5. Make really disgusting references to your sex life.
One word: Unnecessary!

I hope I’ve taught you well. You’re welcome, because I basically just prevented you from being punched in the face someday.

How to Treat the Ladiez

1. Offer a lady your jacket.
Really. If she says she’s cold, it’s your responsibility to chivalrously warm her up. And I don’t mean by rubbing your body all over hers. I mean you should say, “Wow, Lady, you’re cold? I shall save you from frostbite by giving my jacket up for you.” She might even realize the danger you’re putting yourself in and refuse so that you can be warm.
If you aren’t wearing a jacket, offer her your metaphorical jacket. Like, “If I were wearing a jacket, I’d totes give it to you, babe, cuz you’re my shining star.” Then she’ll swoon a bit and love you forever.

2. Actually speak to her.
There’s nothing worse than getting shy. Don’t get shy. Sometimes being awkward can be cute, but only if it’s already established that you like her. Before that it’s just confusing and annoying.
Now, that’s not to say that if you’re a naturally shy person you just suck, because naturally shy people have a lot to offer the world. To name one thing…their shyness.
I mean don’t GET shy. Like one day you talk to her and you’re all pally chummy and then all of a sudden BAM you’re shy. That is just confusing. So don’t be confusing, just be her man. If you like her, go get her. For all you know, you could die of a heart attack tomorrow.

3. Feed her.
Once you’ve done this, she’s lost all hope of recovering from your lurrrrve, especially if you cook for her yourself. You think boys like food? No. Girls like food. We just don’t tell you because, for some stupid reason, you only like girls when they’re really skinny and stupid. Your loss.
Point is, you really just need to feed the girl. If you’re feeling loving, feed her aphrodisiacs like figs and avocado. And honey. Honey is lovely, honey.

4. Open the door.
…Unless she’s a crazy feminist, in which case you should just not help her do anything. But really, ladiez like to be taken care of.
Also, let her go in front of you in line and on crowded sidewalks because that’s chivalrous, and chivalry shouldn’t be dead. You WILL revive chivalry.

5. In case you missed it, ACTUALLY SPEAK TO HER.
Women all ’round the world have do deal with this: the boy who supposedly likes her doesn’t speak to her. Hmmm. Maybe it’s because boy brains are wired all wrong that they think silence is a good idea. It isn’t. Have you met us? We like to talk. So talk.

6. Listen to her.
More specifically, listen to her say stupid things and then pretend they aren’t stupid. Because everyone gets a little tongue tied sometimes. Don’t pretend you’re perfect. Just laugh along with her (not at her, duh) and admire her beauty. If you have to point out that what she said was just complete idiocy, then tease her, don’t make fun of her. Because that’s just not nice.

7. Uh, look at her?
You’re allowed to make eye contact. In fact, you seem about 600x more trustworthy when you do. And it makes us go a little woozy, which is a plus.

I’d like to thank my friend and fellow girl Maddie for helping me come up with a few of these tips. Also, a big thank you to the Academy and all the little people out there. Couldn’t have done it without you.

What Do You Do?

If someone walks up to you in the supermarket, takes all your groceries out of your cart and puts them in their own cart, what do you do?
A) Just stand there, confused, as you watch them do it.
B) Begin removing their items from their cart while they remove yours.
C) Cry, because they put their filthy hands on your legumes.
D) Scream at them.

If a stranger walks into the bathroom while you’re using it and, instead of leaving, simply sits down on the floor and looks at you, what do you do?
A) Sit there, screaming at them to get away.
B) Reach for your cell phone and call 911.
C) Finish pottying, stand up, and put your pants on again.
D) Start up a conversation with the person.

If you walk into your apartment and find your roommate drawing pictures on the kitchen floor with paint, what do you do?
A) Put on your Bob Ross wig and join in.
B) Sit down and cry, because that floor has let you walk all over it for SO LONG and it deserves better.
C) Start painting on your roommate’s bed.
D) Pour paint down your roommate’s pants.

If, during a job interview, your interviewer starts picking his nose, what do you do?
A) Tell him that he’s disgusting and you don’t want the job.
B) Stay silent and continue the interview.
C) Throw a box of tissues at him.
D) Pick your nose too, so that he doesn’t feel self-conscious.

If you’re at dinner your date tells you they’ve performed a surgery on their own cat, even though they’re not a veterinarian, what do you do?
A) Nod along and tell them you perform goldfish scale-transplants all the time.
B) Cry, because the only man who has ever loved you is your cat.
C) Throw your food in his face.
D) Order 3 more drinks and the most expensive dish on the menu, tell him you need to go to the bathroom, and then leave instead, making him pick up the (extremely large) check.

Don’t You Guys Read Romance Novels?

I guest posted this at a few days ago and thought I’d put the full post on my own blog:

I think we have a problem. Nobody knows how to kiss properly. I’m lookin’ at you, boys. Didn’t you ever read a romance novel? Oh, well me neither. Girls want to be kissed, not killed!

Here’s the deal: when you kiss a girl, you should refrain from shocking her in any way. Because with kissing, a shock is not a good thing. Ever. And agression is only attractive after multiple dates and multiple kisses, but definitely not at first. Please:

1. Don’t gag her.
This includes strangulation (so don’t wrap your hands around her neck and squeeze), but mainly focuses on tongue-work. Don’t you dare insert your tongue so far into her mouth that she gags, because it could be disastrous in so many ways. There’s this thing called a gag reflex, and sometimes it makes people throw up. Don’t trigger the gag reflex.
I mean, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you know anything? Kissing can be really gross if you don’t do it properly. Does it really seem like a good idea to lick her tonsils? Let me answer that for you: it isn’t a good idea to lick her tonsils. Maybe you should write that down 100 times, just to make sure you remember.

2. Don’t be a vacuum.
Leave the intense sucking to Mr. Hoover, please. If you can hear slurping, you’ve gone too far. We all know the term “swapping spit,” but removing all spit from her mouth is just superfluous. I know you want her, but you don’t want her spit. That is just gross. This chick should not have to drink seven glasses of water afterward to regain moistness of the mouth.

3. Don’t do darty-tongue.
You are a human, not a lizard. I think I have to get scientific(ish) here: your mouth’s temperature is different from her mouth’s temperature. It is weird when an object that is colder/warmer than her mouth (and is also moist) darts into her mouth and then darts back out. I mean, really, did you not pay attention when I said not to shock her? That, my friend, is what we call shocking.

 4. No mashing.
I know that in all romantic movies, right as they kiss, the guy secures the girl’s head with both hands, leans in, and presses. But her head won’t fall off, so there’s no need to secure it, really. A little face stroking might be nice, sure, but not a two-hand lock. And pressing? No. You have a nose and she has a nose, so there’s really no safe way to press. It needs to be nice and gentle so that you don’t knock together and get a nose-bleed, because those aren’t romantic either. Plus, how do you expect to kiss for more than three seconds without getting a lip cramp if you’re smashing your faces together? Let’s be logical.

5. And finally, don’t drool.
You might think this goes against rule #2. It doesn’t.
Before you kiss her, make sure you’ve swallowed your mouthful of spit. Even if you’re kissing with a closed mouth, we don’t want a bit of dribble escaping your lips and getting on her face, because it’s a surefire way to get her to vomit. On your shoes.
Basically you want to suck your own spit in, but not hers.