Healthy Living, or I Sexy-Danced for My Cat

I hate New Years Resolutions because I think that every day, not just January 1, presents an opportunity for change, but I think I’ve accidentally made one…

I’m going to lose weight. How much is my own business, and I share enough of my life on here as it is, but it’s really important to me that I lose it. I want to be healthy, feel better, get active, eat well. And…judging by how much pizza I ate last semester alone, this change is a little overdue. But better late than never, I guess! Plus…as much as I’m always yelling “love your body no matter what!” I want to feel sexy again, and it’s hard to do that when most of your clothes don’t fit. I suppose I could go all Lady Godiva on everyone, but I don’t particularly feel like getting arrested.

I’ve been back in my apartment for the last two days, and since then have been cooking for every meal, juicing, and exercising. Plus, I’ve had so much water that half of my life seems to be spent in the bathroom. Again, I share too much of my life on this blog. But I feel really good! A little more energetic and excited for the future. Y’all know how much I love to cook — the more complicated the recipe, the better — so this is fun for me.

The weather was gorgeous yesterday, so I went on a run around my neighborhood, past my old apartment. I bumped into an old friend — the little tiny kitty cat that lived upstairs — and she ran up to me for a cuddle. If every run involves snuggling tiny cats, I’ll lose this weight in no time.

But the weather changed today. It’s been so cold in my apartment that I checked at least 5 times to make sure the heater was actually working. There’s fog outside my window — so much that I can’t see outside. And so, with no other option but to stay inside and die slowly, I decided to work out and generate some body heat…and my sister had just given me a Zumba DVD.

Zumba is ridiculous. I probably burned more calories laughing at the instructors and myself than I burned from the actual workout. I kept yelling, “I CAN’T SALSA WHAT IS HAPPENING” while my cat stood under my feet and only just escaped being trampled at least three times. He retreated to his cat castle while I did this weird dance move that involved more shimmying than was really appropriate and I’m pretty sure I learned to booty-pop.

So I guess today’s lesson is…if you want to lose weight and you need to keep warm, you can always sexily dance for your cat.



A Cat Will Never Say:

1. “Let’s just be friends.”
Obviously, cats can’t speak, so they can’t say anything. But if they could speak, they would never tell you they didn’t love you. You scratch their ears, for heaven’s sake! Of course they love you.

2. “Please stop calling me those annoying baby names.”
You can name your cat Muffin or Binky and it won’t care. And when you make up weird nicknames, like Midget and Bibbet, they can’t protest.

Dogs are really annoying and always want attention. Cats don’t really care what you do, as long as you let them lay in the sun and/or on your pillow.

4. “I’ll call you.”
Cats can’t pick phones up, so this one kinda goes without saying. Plus, how weird would it be to answer the phone and hear a bunch of meowing?

5. “That sweater totally doesn’t go with those boots.”
Cats, if they were human, would have amazing fashion sense. But they aren’t human, so…basically, they can’t talk. Plus, they don’t care what you wear as long as they can shed all over it.

6. “Stop eating so much, it’ll go straight to your hips.”
Cats don’t care what you eat, as long as you cuddle them. Honestly, they probably like it when your hips are a little extra-squishy.

7. “No, I don’t dance.”
There’s never been anything more annoying than a guy who can’t or won’t dance. Your cat, however, doesn’t mind if you pick him/her up and dance with him in the kitchen. So go on, turn on your old record of Danke Schoen and dance away.

8. “Why haven’t you bathed in three days?”
Because if a cat thinks you smell bad, it’ll just nap until you take a bath.

Cat ladies unite! We’re all in this together! Or rather, alone in our houses with our 6 cats…

The Costco Theory

Before I begin, I would like to say a few things:
1. Thank you all so very much for the lovely comments you left on my posts these past few days. The holidays don’t feel so lonely when I know you’re all out there with amazing stories to tell. We’re like a big family that doesn’t fight and probably doesn’t look very much alike…so maybe not that much like a family. Also, a huge thank you to those of you who took the time to use my Invisible Children SocialVibe dealio on the sidebar. It helps raise money to send Ugandan children to school, so your support is appreciated! It takes like 5 seconds and is free, so you all should do it. Go.
2. The idea behind this entire post came out of my friend Chloe’s extremely awesome (dare I say attractive?) brain. From the girl who brought you quotes like, “Did Cappy’s dad just put my Christmas present down his pants? I think so,” comes…you guessed it…The Costco Theory:

The question behind the Costco Theory is this: how long could you live inside a Costco? No supply trucks would come in; it’d just be you (alone) shut inside a Costco for as long as you could last. We’re pretty sure we know the answer…you could live forever inside a Costco. And you’d probably have the time of your life.

You could start a business or go to university online. You’d have your choice of some pretty awesome computers (and all the software you can shove in them…plus you could probably play Dora the Explorer computer games or something). And they probably even have “How to Start a Business While Living in Costco for Dummies” books that you could study with. You’d have printers, ink cartridges, and cameras (for those days when you’re considering photojournalism as a major). They even have nice collared shirts if you feel like dressing up a bit for the office.

You could be a huge couch potato, eating chips all day in front of those 6 giant TVs that are always on display. You could have a barbecue/salmon feed/crab night/anything because they sell barbecues, have a gigantic bakery and another gigantic kitchen (and that’s not even counting the food court), and all the food you’d need is right there in the freezer/snacks section. Did someone say yakisoba noodles? I think so.

Once you felt guilty for eating every potato chip on the shelves, you’d be able to work it off on a treadmill or trampoline…I bet they have Shake Weights. Actually, if you put some effort into it, you could get totally ripped inside Costco.  

If you felt like it, you could have a snowball fight in the produce freezer. I say this wishfully, because I’m not entirely sure how you’d get snow inside Costco, but once it was there you could totally keep it in the freezer. Maybe you could get a snowcone maker or something and grind ice into snowballs. I like it, I like it!

You’d stay totally sane inside a Costco, because you’d have the entire book section to read through, plus all their movies and video games (for those lonely nights when you don’t have a Skype date). Do you know how much fun you could have with the passport photo area? It’d be like your own personal photo booth.

And you could be so attractive! You’d always have nice skin-care products to keep you looking lovely, and you could crack open the jewelry display every once in a while when you wanna get bedazzled. These options would probably be more appealing if you had someone else inside the Costco to actually see you, but that’s a minor detail.

Once you’d been inside for long enough, your eyesight might start to fail you. Well, have no fear, because there’s an entire eye-care counter. Get yourself some glasses! Or a magnifying glass…I’m sure they have those somewhere.