Polite Raps

I just wanna respect you, girl. You're lovely.

I just wanna respect you, girl. You’re lovely.

If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son. But seriously if you ever need me I’m always here, and I truly care about you as a friend. You deserve a wonderful woman.

So what you wanna do? Shit, I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too. We’d like to practice safe sex because the transmission of STIs in this country is a huge problem. Also, we respect you as women and would like to make sure that we don’t get you pregnant. You’re beautiful.

I’m gonna knock you out, Mama said knock you out! But then I’ll revive you with smelling salts and give you a steak for your black eye, because we’re just in a boxing gym and that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. Also, my Mom didn’t say to “knock you out,” she said you’re a knockout because you’re so handsome. So just know that. You’re very handsome.

You know it’s hard out here for a pimp, when he’s tryin’ to get this money for the rent. But what’s harder is making sure that I keep my prostitutes STI-free and safe from harm. Also, I’m trying to make money so that I can get out of this lifestyle and save a few prostitutes while I’m at it.

Right now I’m on the edge, so don’t push me. I aim straight for your head, so don’t push me. Fill your ass up with lead, so don’t push me. Just kidding. Let’s resolve this dispute like grown men. I’m pretty upset with you right now, so we need to have a serious discussion about how you’re disrespecting me. Maybe we should go to a psychologist together. I hear group counseling can be very beneficial.

The cops can’t stand me, but they can’t touch me. Except if they have just cause, in which case I will cooperate and respect their authority. I’m so glad we have such an amazing justice system in this country, and I know that they’re just doing their jobs when they apprehend me for doing bad things. Go cops! You rule!



This Is My Life

My happiness is like the combined happiness of these people.

Two recent searches that brought people to my blog caught my attention today. Someone typed in “Bella Swan stupid,” thereby restoring my faith in humanity. Someone else (who I really really love but who might have a pretty intense form of ADD) wrote “I love you are my best friend big dinosa.” That’s it. They didn’t even finish the word…and the sentence barely makes sense. I’m glad such incoherent babble directs people to this blog.
Whoa. Idea. Maybe the person who typed that in had writer’s block and couldn’t figure out what else to write in their search! This blog is aptly named, if that’s the case. Everyone here has writer’s block. Except me, ironically, because I post sometimes 3 times a day. Oh that is so sad… 

Basically, I love the universe because HELLO, people are actually reading what I write and I can guarantee I don’t know at least 2,000 of them. Which is actually probably pretty weird since Mommy told me not to talk to strangers. 

I think I might mention this drugged-up chick too much.

People told me not to write posts about “pop culture ‘things.'” I told them to shove off. If those people had actually read my posts, they’d know that the majority of them are actually me blithering on about how to do things totally inappropriately/crazily/stupidly. So there. Honestly, I bet some people would rather I wrote a million posts about Ke$ha, but too bad, cuz I’m not gonna do that either. I am a free spirit.

On a side note, my sister just attempted to imitate Eminem, going “hrrnehnur HEH nrr nrr nenny nenny hehnunna.” I might have just peed a little. I wish I could add a little voice clip to this post, but I really don’t think I should bother. It might startle people with heart conditions. 

I wish there was a feature on the blog stats monitor that beeped every time you had a hit on your blog. These past few days, I could’ve been sitting in my room listening to my computer beep like mad. Then when I go back to having 64 readers a day, I could just imagine the beeps I once had and cry, alone, clutching my stuffed bear and rocking back and forth. 

What if, with that blog stats beeper, when you didn’t have any hits it would just make a noise like you were flatlining. You’d know, then, that you should just delete your blog forever and find a new hobby, like knitting or saving orphaned ladybugs. 

I love all of you. I love all of you so much, because I wrote a post about Barney that thousands of people read. The funny thing is, I was so close to throwing that post in the trash because I didn’t think anyone would like it. So I wrote it, almost trashed it, posted it instead, got Freshly Pressed, and created a long dialogue between at least 70 adults about how much they love/hate/don’t care about Barney. I’m so glad this happened. My life is complete. Ish.