I’ve Been Thinking…

I’ve been absent for a few (three) weeks. Not that any of you noticed. I received no postcards saying that you wished I would come back, no comments on posts asking if I was dead, no knocks on my door from you (okay, thank goodness to that last one).

So here’s what I’ve done in the weeks I wasn’t writing hilarious stuff on this blog:

– Got hired by the school newspaper. (I think that deserves a celebratory dance to Pocketful of Sunshine, Emma Stone style.) And now that you’re done watching that, just think about how awesome I am. Thank you, thank you. $22 a story. I’m rollin’ in dough.

– Joined the Alpha Delta Pi sorority. Once again, my beautiful hair has served me well (I’m lying..). Also, I’m a big idiot and don’t eat. Just kidding! I promise this (and most, actually) sorority isn’t like that at all.

– Watched Easy A twice in a row. Tonight. Hence the video above. I’m catching a cold, okay? And I don’t feel like dealing with another one, so I’m resting. And watching the best movie ever.

– Fantasized a little bit about my middle-aged man crush, Stanley Tucci.

– Successfully avoided recruitment to the Campus Christian Fellowship (several times). That’s actually extremely impressive, as once I practically broke a kneecap diving behind a pillar.

– Asked myself, “Why am I so awesome?”

– Realized that my answer probably had something to do with the fact that I turned into a ninja upon seeing a Christian Fellowship member approaching me.

– Realized that I might possibly go to hell because I avoided said Christian Fellowship member.

– Wondered if there was a hell.

– Stopped wondering about religious things and craved guacamole.

Then I thought about some more stuff:

– Why do baby pageants exist? The age group 0-3 should never exist in competitions. Unless it’s a competition of which baby can lie down for the longest period of time. Or which baby gurgles the most. Or which baby’s mom can change it’s diapers most efficiently. Or which baby is best at being an actual baby and not pretending to be a grown woman.

– What exactly is the purpose of the lowest settings on a toaster? Nobody uses a toaster to simply warm their bread up. And if they do, their families and friends should be seriously worried and possibly hold an intervention. If you want to warm your bread, place it between two rocks and rub them together. The friction will warm the bread while also saving the planet. It’s science, people. I know. I’m in Geology 101.


Girl Crush

I have a girl crush on a few people. Okay, the list is a little longer than I care to admit, but whatever. It’s 2011, I’m allowed to platonically fall in love with a few celebrities. I have lots of middle-aged-man crushes too. I’ll blog about those sometime. I have so much love, I can’t only spend it on boys my age…

1. Jwoww – I’m sorry, but I’m kinda in love. Seriously? The chick’s hot (and 90% plastic, I know I sound like a 16 year old male). She just seems like she’d be fun. And I’m a little afraid of her, which is…cool…
“I came home because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eatin’ ham and drinkin’ water. Ham.” – Jwoww.

2. Anne Hathaway – Girl’s got sass. Seriously. I think her role in the Devil Wears Prada changed my life (or at least my hairstyle)…people say I remind them of her, which kinda makes no sense because we look absolutely nothing alike. Really. But I’ll take it anyway cuz I love her.

3. Portia de Rossi – Meow. She’s beautiful. I guess that’s all I had to say, really, except that Ellen is a very lucky lady.

4. Speaking of Ellen – Gaaah! Love. She’s hilarious, talented, fun, hilarious, super cute, hilarious…did I mention hilarious? I want to be her. Or at least be next to her sometime.
“Hope y’all like my new profile pic. The photographer caught me just as I was walking in.” – Ellen DeGeneres on Facebook.

5. Emma Stone – It’s really just because of Easy A. I’m in love with her in that movie. She’s so…sassy. Apparently I like when people are sassy…
“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.” –  Olive, “Easy A”

6. Kat Von D – She’s talented, she’s chill, she has the most amazing makeup line I’ve ever come across (and I’m including MAC in that, which is hard to belive), and she’s a cutie.

7. And last, but certainly not least, Meryl Streep –  The woman can do everything. Mama Mia, Julie and Julia, Doubt, Out of Africa…and she’s absolutely gorgeous. I want to be Meryl Streep. So badly.
“So I said to myself, go ahead, take a chance, hire the smart, fat girl.” – Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada.