‘The Office’ Makes Me Want a Boring Desk Job

Look how much fun they have...throwing paper about.

I identify with Jim.
No, I am not a man…
So I don’t totally know how to explain that one.

The characters of The Office practically never have fun at work (case in point: Stanley). But the fact that I am an outsider looking in on their un-fun makes it look fun.

Did I mention I’m also super in love with Jim?
I think it’s good that I identify with someone who I also love.
Plus, he has a pretty cute butt. Just sayin’.

And at this point, while I attempt to remember all the Spanish I forgot over break, I’d rather be doing a crossword with Stanley. Or listening to Angela talk about her cats. Or listening to Michael shout “GET ME ARMANI! WHERE IS ARMANI?”

Or Jim could say he loves me.
…am I the only one who constantly has the urge to say “John Kwasinski?”

I can’t believe I used to think I hated The Office. I have never been more wrong in my entire life. Ever.

I could use some comic relief. Maybe I’ll dress up like someone else and do this…just for a laugh. “Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.”

Always thinkin’ one step ahead. Like a carpenter who makes stairs.


Things That Make Me Go “HA!”

When I need a laugh, I get on YouTube and BAM: Laughter.
There are about 90 million videos on this list, but there is no such thing as too much laughter.

The Dad Life
So awesome. These dads are pretty legit.

Hipster Olympics
I want to be just like them, only…not. Because hipsters don’t admit to aspiring to anything.

IT Crowd Outtakes
7:30 is my favorite part. I love The IT Crowd…it’s got to be the most hilarious show ever, next to Fawlty Towers and…nothing.

My Push Up Bra Will Help Me Get My Man
Glozell can ALWAYS get a laugh out of me. It’s not that hard to make me laugh, honestly, but she really really really really makes me laugh. A lot. Get it? Good.

How To: Be a Bad Bitch
This just makes me excited. Nuff said. Plus, it’s a How To and we all know how much I love How To’s.


BBC Questionnaire (Alex Day)
Sort it out, love.
This guy makes me really happy with his readings of Twilight. This is a super old video of his, but it never fails to make me giggle.

2009 Got You Down?
While it’s neither 2009 nor Christmas time, this video always makes me happy. Especially when I forget what it is and watch it again. Then I get surprised and happy. Nothing is better than being surprised AND happy.

How to Keep it Classy, or How Not to Be a Twit

Know why he's The Most Interesting Man in the World? Cuz he keeps it classy.

There is only one rule that one must abide by in order to stay classy. That rule is this: Don’t be a twit.
Twit: (n.) 1. A moron with absolutely no sense. 2. One who uses Twitter.

Okay, that second one was just for funsies. But really…I was looking something up on Google Images the other day and one of the photos was from twitter and labeled TwitPics. Why? What? Why?

As the Countess Luann once said, “Money can’t buy you class. Money can’t buy you class. Elegance is learned, my friends. Elegance is learned, oh yeah.” Technically, in her case, money can’t buy you class but it can buy you a record deal and fame even when you haven’t got much talent…

So don’t be a twit. How? It’s simple.

1. Don’t wear so much makeup that it looks like you shoved your face into a cake before you left the house. That’s probably not where the term “cake face” came from, but I think it’s close enough.

2. Don’t lean all over guys, especially when you first meet them. Give it a little time – make sure they smell good.
Actually, this has nothing to do with protecting your nose from gross scents. It does, however, have everything to do with not looking like a total bimbo when you’re in public.

Check out the poof on that fine sista.

3. Don’t tease your hair so much that you look like a dinosaur. I’m lookin’ at you, female cast of Jersey Shore. Nobody’s head is shaped that way naturally. So don’t push it.

4. Don’t shriek in public. I don’t care how happy you are. People around you have eardrums to protect.
Be happy. I’m happy. I am so happy, in fact, that I prefer to keep it to a dull roar.
Plus, when you shriek like that you just sound like a chipmunk being murdered…

5. Don’t get slobbering drunk. I get that you want to party. But don’t you also want to remember how much fun you had? Keep it classy, babe. Carry your champagne (or beer/vodka tonic/whatever…but champagne is classier cuz it’s French) around for a while, take a sip, carry it a little longer, take another sip. Don’t down the whole thing at once; then it starts getting ugly.

This Is My Life

My happiness is like the combined happiness of these people.

Two recent searches that brought people to my blog caught my attention today. Someone typed in “Bella Swan stupid,” thereby restoring my faith in humanity. Someone else (who I really really love but who might have a pretty intense form of ADD) wrote “I love you are my best friend big dinosa.” That’s it. They didn’t even finish the word…and the sentence barely makes sense. I’m glad such incoherent babble directs people to this blog.
Whoa. Idea. Maybe the person who typed that in had writer’s block and couldn’t figure out what else to write in their search! This blog is aptly named, if that’s the case. Everyone here has writer’s block. Except me, ironically, because I post sometimes 3 times a day. Oh that is so sad… 

Basically, I love the universe because HELLO, people are actually reading what I write and I can guarantee I don’t know at least 2,000 of them. Which is actually probably pretty weird since Mommy told me not to talk to strangers. 

I think I might mention this drugged-up chick too much.

People told me not to write posts about “pop culture ‘things.'” I told them to shove off. If those people had actually read my posts, they’d know that the majority of them are actually me blithering on about how to do things totally inappropriately/crazily/stupidly. So there. Honestly, I bet some people would rather I wrote a million posts about Ke$ha, but too bad, cuz I’m not gonna do that either. I am a free spirit.

On a side note, my sister just attempted to imitate Eminem, going “hrrnehnur HEH nrr nrr nenny nenny hehnunna.” I might have just peed a little. I wish I could add a little voice clip to this post, but I really don’t think I should bother. It might startle people with heart conditions. 

I wish there was a feature on the blog stats monitor that beeped every time you had a hit on your blog. These past few days, I could’ve been sitting in my room listening to my computer beep like mad. Then when I go back to having 64 readers a day, I could just imagine the beeps I once had and cry, alone, clutching my stuffed bear and rocking back and forth. 

What if, with that blog stats beeper, when you didn’t have any hits it would just make a noise like you were flatlining. You’d know, then, that you should just delete your blog forever and find a new hobby, like knitting or saving orphaned ladybugs. 

I love all of you. I love all of you so much, because I wrote a post about Barney that thousands of people read. The funny thing is, I was so close to throwing that post in the trash because I didn’t think anyone would like it. So I wrote it, almost trashed it, posted it instead, got Freshly Pressed, and created a long dialogue between at least 70 adults about how much they love/hate/don’t care about Barney. I’m so glad this happened. My life is complete. Ish.

Seduction So Dangerous

I was flipping through the channels the other day at lunch and came across an ad for Degrassi: The Boiling Point.  Many of you probably know of Degrassi (apparently it was popular in the early 90’s) or, if you’re older than that, The Kids of Degrassi Street which aired in the 80’s. Stay with me here, because there has also been a long running series called Degrassi: The Next Generation, which has been running since the early 2000’s. These shows are all apparently related, each subsequent series following a new generation of Canadians in the fictional world of Degrassi Middle School/High School, etc.

I have no clue why this show is still on the air.

The Next Generation, with a name uncomfortably close to that of the good Star Treks, addressed the teenage issues of homosexuality, eating disorders, dating violence, teen pregnancy, and mental disorders, along with a host of other problems. But it seems so unrealistic to pile it all into one television show, especially since so many of the conflicts occurred in the same episodes. The characters lived through some of the most traumatic ordeals I’ve ever come across, whether they be on television, in books or in real life. The point is, it seems as if the writers of this show have gone through just about every problem a child could face in their entire lifetime, not just in the 4 year span of high school. It’s become an extreme exaggeration of real life, and it’s getting pretty heavy.

The show has recycled the same themes for the past 8 or so years, and it’s time it finally ended. Especially since none of the old characters are still on the show and all the new ones creep me out. And look 12. And still make out and send each other dirty photos. I don’t remember doing that at that age…

The trailer for this new 8 episode series, Degrassi: The Boiling Point, shows exactly how weird it’s gotten when the announcer

Learn from this, Degrassi. But you might want to switch out your cast of small children first.

describes the show as containing “seduction so dangerous” that…well, apparently someone might be shot, there will be a war between the gays and straights of the school, or the chick who got pregnant by the ADD-riddled boy (who is apparently popular but looks tremendously awkward) might have a total meltdown. While these issues could be serious in real life, I am totally unsympathetic toward the characters. And I think a lot of it has to do with the “seduction so dangerous” line. It creeped me out.

When is seduction ever that dangerous? my friend asked.

When it runs around wielding a knife.

The Decline of the Barney Empire

I watched a few minutes of Barney today on PBS and was severely disappointed. Barney is not a good television show anymore, and I am sure it’s not because my tastes have changed. My tastes have not changed – I still love Elmo, the Teletubbies, and Mr. Rogers. Yeah, at least I have the guts to admit to it, unlike all you closet-Teletubbies-watchers out there.

But Barney has really let me down. I remember singing along to rousing choruses of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” (because his name is my name too) but am now forced to hear songs like “Shapes.” I’ll give you a little snippit:

Shapes, shapes, it’s easy my friend.
You can tell a shape by the shape it’s in.
Shapes, shapes, sing it again…

What does that even mean? It’s like they’re trying to tell me something…Of course shapes are shapes…I don’t understand. If I can’t understand, I don’t think a 5 year old can. Please don’t argue with me on that.

Barney and Riff sounding annoying together.

And Barney’s new voice is really annoying.  It always kinda was, but this guy needs to listen to himself a little, because it’s terrible. Or maybe it’s been the same guy since 1991 and he’s just gotten steadily more…and more…and more annoying. His new pally Riff (added to the show in 2006) is pretty obnoxious too. We all know that every dinosaur on the show is a human in a costume, right? But I think it should be noted that the actual voice of each dinosaur is the voice of a completely separate actor. So these people are selected specifically for their voices. I think the Barney people need to get their ears cleaned out before auditions or something.

While I’m on a roll bashing television shows for small children (oops), I should probably add that Barney’s reputation was ruined by the rumors (I call them rumors because I don’t think they could possibly be true) that the old Barney actor used to hide heroin needles in his tail.

But then again, I got that information as a child from another child who thought that Kokanee beer was actually cocaine.

Who Here Would Date an Elvis Impersonator?

This is Real Elvis. Don't try to look like him. He'll always be cuter than you.

Think about it. You’d be dating someone who looks a lot like a dead guy.

You’d be dating a guy who lives his life as if he were a dead guy. Who loves this dead guy soooo much that he has dedicated his life to acting/sounding/looking like him.

That’s weird.

People die. In fact, everyone who is born will eventually die. It’s not a novel idea, people. It is really obvious. CAVEMEN (excuse me, cavepeople) KNEW IT. So why, Elvis fans, can you not accept that The King (may he rest in peace) is dead? He is dead and he is not going to be alive ever again. Don’t pay people to dress up like him and thrust their hips around and throw sweaty ascots into crowds in Las Vegas.

And to you, Elvis Lookalike #95, why did you get plastic surgery? You practically killed my mother.

There we were, in the comfort of our home, when all of a sudden a PBS special on Elvis came on the TV. My mom didn’t realize that it was a tribute performance to Elvis –  all the original members of his band were playing and an Elvis impersonator was, well, impersonating Elvis. This Elvis impersonator (Lookalike #95) looked so much like Elvis #1 that my mom thought it was him. And she was incredibly confused when all the band members were old and she found out the performance had been taped recently.

Okay, I realize “almost killing” and “severely confusing” my mother are two completely different things, but you get the point.

So knock it off! (I’m lookin’ at you, #95).

Edit: I just realized that I wrote a post yelling, “ELVIS IS DEAD AND WILL NEVER COME BACK” on the 33rd anniversary of his death. Foot. In. Mouth.

Ummm…I love Elvis!

Jersey Shore: The Jerk Boyfriend I Never Wanted

Jersey, baby, I’ve tried to stay away. I know you’re no good for me. But just when I think I’m over you, I see you at a party and I’m mesmerized. So I sit down and watch you from afar. I think I’m addicted.

I am way too good for you. I’m classy and you’re trashy. But you know what they say about good girls always wanting bad boys? Well, I have that. I’m intrigued by your different way of life. You show that side of humanity that says, “Yo. I want to do what I want to do. Everyone else is just a side-show.” It’s exciting. You are just a baaaad boy.

Every night, you’re out with hundreds of other girls. In their living rooms, bedrooms, dining rooms, kitchens…you’re everywhere. Hasn’t anyone told you not to be so easy? Don’t you ever want to be exclusive and just show yourself for one girl? Bad boy, people will start to use and abuse you. They will play and replay you, and I don’t think you want that.

Every time things start to get exciting between us, we’re interrupted by all your friends calling you and telling you about new movies, new shows on MTV, and fast food restaurants offering deals. Can’t you tell your friends you’re busy? I just want you and you alone. No interruptions.

And people have started copying your style, baby. You should tell them to back off, cuz they’re just knockoffs. High schoolers make theme parties trying to be like you. They steal your dance moves and your hairdos…baby, show them who the real deal is.

I love you baby. Even though you treat me bad.

Things That Creep Me Out, or Why You Should Run for Your Lives

Really. Run. She's coming! RUN! It's KATY PERRY!

1. Katy Perry:
California gurls sure are unforgettable…who knew that California was actually candy land? And that the girls there wear cupcake bras…doesn’t that get messy? Like, if you bend over and your cupcake falls off? That could also be really embarassing.
 Her song, “I Kissed A Girl” probably wouldn’t weird me out if she didn’t sing it in such a weird voice. It’s like she’s gonna go murder the girl after she kisses her. That’s practically enough evidence to convict her of being a serial killer, right?
And she wears really scary wigs. I can dig changing your hair color and whatnot, but she takes it to a whole new level with these wigs. Wigs scare me. Katy Perry scares me…because she wears wigs that scare me.

2. People who try to convert me to their religion:
It just strikes me as really odd that they feel they need to save me or something. I don’t need to be saved. I don’t want to be saved. I don’t know what I believe, and if I’m still trying to decide, maybe you shouldn’t alienate me. I don’t want to be Mormon. It’s awesome that you’re sure what you believe and that it helps you be a good person and find direction in your life, but…I don’t want to be Mormon. Or really anything else, for that matter.

3. Wasps:
When they fly, their long legs just dangle below them like…dangly things. It’s so creepy how they flop about. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!

4. Cartoon animals that talk in foreign accents:
The Nasonex wasp (see above) is really weird. Why is he foreign? There is no specific reason, actually. And if you’re going to make him Spanish (I at first thought he was French until someone commented on this post saying he wasn’t…yeah, I’m editing my post), Nasonex marketing people, at least make his voice attractive. This guy is obnoxious (according to my “source,” its Antonio Banderas…oops).
Also, Pepe le Pew (or however you’re supposed to spell it, that doesn’t seem very French) is such a creeper. French people cannot possibly be that creepy.
Also, if these animals are truly French/Spanish, why do they speak English?

5. Myspace/Facebook pictures:
Not all of them…just the ones that are of girls making that obnoxious kissy face. WHY do they do that? No one should ever make that face in real life. Or pretend life, for that matter (what is pretend life?).
Girls in those photos, I have a message for you: it makes you look stupid. Boys who are attracted to that are stupid. And probably ugly. So. Relax your facial muscles and leave the bathroom. The real world awaits.

Why I Will Always Love Julian Casablancas

For those of you who don’t know (why don’t you know? Why?), Julian Casablancas is the lead singer of The Strokes. They are great.

1. His voice is like…well, for lack of a better word, his voice is like sex. On the phone. Phone sex. Except way less creepy and dirty and wrong.
OKAY, his voice is just really great and makes me drool and stuff. GOSH.
Speaking of his voice, I always wondered why such a small man could have such a deep singing voice. Until I found out he isn’t small, he’s like 6’2″. Oops, sorry, Jules. Can I call you that? Jules?  

2. He wears red pants all the time. Well, not all the time and certainly (hopefully) they’re not always the same pair of red pants, but they’re red pants all the same and I admire that. I have a pair of red pants. SOULMATES! Am I right?

3. He writes amazing songs. His new (released in late 2009, but new to me since I just heard about it a week ago…) album, Phrazes for the Young, is really good. So good, in fact, that I can’t pick a favorite song from that album because I like them so much. But if I had to, it’d be River of Brakelights. Or maybe Out of the Blue. …I dunno.

4. The Strokes kept me sane my freshman year of high school. I probably would’ve gone completely crazy and went into self-destruct mode if they hadn’t been blasting through my stereo with their controlled chaos and lyrics that made me sing at the top of my lungs. I owe a lot of myself to them.

5. He guested with The Lonely Island, who by the way are hilarious, in the song Boombox. It makes me sing. It makes me dance. It makes me drool because Julian Casablancas (Jules. Umm, can I call you that?) is so COOL in the video. Be aware that the end of that video gets kinda creepy…it’s not for the faint of heart.

6. As stated above, he looks cool. He acts cool. He is cool. Have you seen the feather in his hair? Cool. The colored strips in his hair? Cool. (I do that sometimes too, Jules. Can I call you that?) Leather jacket! Cool! The afformentioned red pants, also cool. Sunglasses, cool. The way he moves when he sings. Cool. Overall facial appearance, cool.

…Cool, Jules. Can I call you that?