How to Treat the Ladiez


1. Offer a lady your jacket. Really. If she says she's cold, it's your responsibility to chivalrously warm her up. And I don't mean by rubbing your body all over hers. I mean you should say, "Wow, Lady, you're cold? I shall save you from frostbite by giving my jacket up for you." She might... Continue Reading →

Chocolate Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?


There's something rotten here, and I think I know what it is. Flowers. And chocolate. True, the flowers are pretty fresh and I don't actually know if chocolate can rot, but it's the symbolism that counts here, people. Don't let yourselves be blinded by Valentine's Day and love and all the sugar you've no doubt... Continue Reading →

How Health Class Changed My Life


1. I learned that you can become water intoxicated. That's right children, you should drink more beer and less water....okay, that's a lie. But really, if you drink too much water your body can't handle it and you EXPLODE! Or something a little less violent. 2. Men find testicular lumps in exactly this way: Zoom in on... Continue Reading →

The Costco Theory


Before I begin, I would like to say a few things: 1. Thank you all so very much for the lovely comments you left on my posts these past few days. The holidays don't feel so lonely when I know you're all out there with amazing stories to tell. We're like a big family that doesn't... Continue Reading →

I Have Learned


What I've learned since the year 2000: 1. When my dad says he took the bar exam, that does not mean he was training to be a really awesome bar tender. 2. People will come and go, but sour candy...that stuff's forever. Literally. I think it's radioactive, and I mean that in the best possible... Continue Reading →

How the Dental Assistant Ruined My Life


I always loved the dentist when I was little because he was my dad's friend, I'd get a toy after he checked my teeth, and the fluoride he had me use tasted all tingly and grapey and nice. But a few years ago, all that changed, partly because I was too old to get toys anymore, but also because the dental assistant said... Continue Reading →

Greetings


Dear Friends, It’s Christmas time again, and with each passing day comes mounting anticipation for my latest novel, “Kristen Wiig Ate My Cake,” which comes out December 25. After the wild success of my autobiography (entitled “Saving Orphaned Ladybugs, and Other Things I Did In College”), my publishers wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I was... Continue Reading →

Society Told Me Not To


Society: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Me: Shove it! Society has told me (yep, it speaks) that I shouldn't do these things in public: 1. Don't dance down the skywalk. People can see you. It is weird to drive down the street, look up for a moment, and see someone gettin' jiggy with it... Continue Reading →

Recap


Halloween: it's the most wonderful time of the year. Not to be confused with Christmas, which is the most SnoWonderful time of the year. I dressed as Ke$ha, which probably makes me a big hypocrite, because I ranted last week about why people shouldn't be tarts on Halloween. But I promise you this: I did not act... Continue Reading →

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