Props to Edward the Groceryman


I got groceries today. This is not a particularly novel activity, as I have seen groceries before. Heck, I’ve even purchased them for my mother. But today, I took a bus to get them. This is also not very exciting. I’ve looked at busses, stood in the rain and been splashed by busses, and even ridden a few in my time. So today, I hopped on that bus, ID card in hand, and smiled at the incredibly grumpy bus driver before sitting down and getting bus-sick. Note to self: don’t sit in the sideways seats anymore. You knew this. This has happened before, Cappy. Don’t be stupid. Also, I got off at a stop by McDonald’s and the automated bus voice (I’m pretty sure her name is Nadine) pronounced it MAC-Donald’s, so I’ve concluded that busses are super sassy and I love them.

Anyway, today I rode that bus to dreamville (the weird, sort of creepy local grocery store with huge confetti-like shapes on the building…the 80s called, but they definitely don’t want your decor back) and it was magical. It’s not actually called dreamville, by the way.

Aisle after cramped aisle of overpriced pre-sliced lunch meat. So many products on sale (previously incredibly expensive but now semi-reasonably priced) for purchase by poor college students who prefer to shop local instead of going to Walmart. So many croutons. So many donuts, which I narrowly avoided by focusing on carrots instead. Such expensive bell peppers (seriously, why are they always so expensive?). Milk…milk for 4 dollars. Little tiny 4 dollar milk. I bought holiday-themed tupperware because it was on sale and I have nothing to put leftovers in. I didn’t know anyone wanted holiday themed tupperware.

I had coupons, yo, and I saved 5 cents for bringing my own reusable bags, holla! Bought most of the stuff on sale, except for prunes. Those are expensive forever. But they’re really good on baked chicken (who would’ve thought? Me, that’s who).

Anyway, props to Edward the Groceryman for fitting all my groceries into 2 bags! I’d bumped into him earlier in the freezer section (It’s dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section…cuz you could melt all this stuff) and he joked that we could dance. It was a wide aisle, and I almost took him up on it, but he was a little elderly and might’ve strained his back. I’m a pretty wild dancer. Dance with me at your own risk, y’all. So then we reconnected in the checkout line, where I checked him out (no, I didn’t) and he was very helpful and very nice. Thumbs up, Edward.

Step two of adulthood complete! (I don’t know what step one was. Maybe not burning all my food?)

Start this at 0:42

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What Do You Do?


If someone walks up to you in the supermarket, takes all your groceries out of your cart and puts them in their own cart, what do you do?
A) Just stand there, confused, as you watch them do it.
B) Begin removing their items from their cart while they remove yours.
C) Cry, because they put their filthy hands on your legumes.
D) Scream at them.

If a stranger walks into the bathroom while you’re using it and, instead of leaving, simply sits down on the floor and looks at you, what do you do?
A) Sit there, screaming at them to get away.
B) Reach for your cell phone and call 911.
C) Finish pottying, stand up, and put your pants on again.
D) Start up a conversation with the person.

If you walk into your apartment and find your roommate drawing pictures on the kitchen floor with paint, what do you do?
A) Put on your Bob Ross wig and join in.
B) Sit down and cry, because that floor has let you walk all over it for SO LONG and it deserves better.
C) Start painting on your roommate’s bed.
D) Pour paint down your roommate’s pants.

If, during a job interview, your interviewer starts picking his nose, what do you do?
A) Tell him that he’s disgusting and you don’t want the job.
B) Stay silent and continue the interview.
C) Throw a box of tissues at him.
D) Pick your nose too, so that he doesn’t feel self-conscious.

If you’re at dinner your date tells you they’ve performed a surgery on their own cat, even though they’re not a veterinarian, what do you do?
A) Nod along and tell them you perform goldfish scale-transplants all the time.
B) Cry, because the only man who has ever loved you is your cat.
C) Throw your food in his face.
D) Order 3 more drinks and the most expensive dish on the menu, tell him you need to go to the bathroom, and then leave instead, making him pick up the (extremely large) check.