How to Take Over the World


Step 1: Develop a really good maniacal laugh. After every slightly ominous thing you say, laugh for at least 10 seconds. I'm not talkin' a merry chuckle, here. I'm talkin' creepy, deep, terrifying laughter. Step 2: Be British. It's so much easier to sound official if you're British. Provided you don't have an unfortunate lisp or... Continue Reading →

How to Get Dressed for a Date


Step 1: Make a rough sketch of your dream outfit Step 2: Throw it away, because we all know you'll never find/be able to afford it. Step 3: Write a list of colors that look good on you. Step 4: Attempt to find clothes of those colors in your wardrobe and realize you don't have any.  Step... Continue Reading →

How To Abduct People


Specifically, how to abduct your best friend who is going off to college without you. Step 1: Enlist other best friend to help snatch him in her big car. Big car + semi-small friend = success. Attract abductee with his favorite cologne (waft it through the air near his bedroom window or advertise that its... Continue Reading →

Perfection


Right, I am not so diluted that I think I can actually obtain a man this perfectly WONDERFUL, but one can dream. If anyone out there is this person, knows this person, is the father/sibling/cousin/great auntie of this person...let me know. George (that will be his name) should: Be Tall - I would rather not feel... Continue Reading →

How to Cry Attractively


OK, let's face it. It pretty much can't be done. But these simple steps will help you cry less unattractively. So here goes. Step 1: Avoid the "baby-about-to-spit-out-its-food" look. You know the one. Your mouth gets all scrunched up and your eyes go all goggly. Add some serious tears into the equation and you have it:... Continue Reading →

How to be a Champ (Part 2)


Step 1: Enter the elevator of a medical building with your dog. Step 2: Let your dog poop on the carpeted floor of that elevator. Step 3: Make sure you let your dog do it right next to my mother's foot. Step 4: Don't apologize or warn my nice smelling, sweet mother that she's about to... Continue Reading →

How to be a Hipster


Step 1: Steal from the clearance rack.  Because the clothes at Forever 21 aren't cheap enough, especially when they're on clearance.  So keep smoking crack (or whatever it is that makes you act the way you do) and don't worry about buying your own stuff. Step 2: Wear winter clothes in 100 degree weather. Everyone... Continue Reading →

How to Pretend You’re a Soccer Enthusiast


In honor of the upcoming world cup final. Step 1: Call it football. Soccer isn't very popular in America, because we like to watch the other kind of football in which players don't actually use their feet. But true soccer fans call it football, or better yet, footie. Go ahead, get your best British accent... Continue Reading →

How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You (Part 4)


Step 10: Have extremely flat chested friends. In order to avoid the traumatizing "Your friend is hot, can I have her number?" scenario, make sure none of your friends actually are hot. They are allowed to be mildly attractive, but not as attractive as you, and definitely not sizzlin. Most twits define "hot" as "having huge chesty bits,"... Continue Reading →

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