Girl Crush


I have a girl crush on a few people. Okay, the list is a little longer than I care to admit, but whatever. It’s 2011, I’m allowed to platonically fall in love with a few celebrities. I have lots of middle-aged-man crushes too. I’ll blog about those sometime. I have so much love, I can’t only spend it on boys my age…

1. Jwoww – I’m sorry, but I’m kinda in love. Seriously? The chick’s hot (and 90% plastic, I know I sound like a 16 year old male). She just seems like she’d be fun. And I’m a little afraid of her, which is…cool…
“I came home because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eatin’ ham and drinkin’ water. Ham.” – Jwoww.


2. Anne Hathaway – Girl’s got sass. Seriously. I think her role in the Devil Wears Prada changed my life (or at least my hairstyle)…people say I remind them of her, which kinda makes no sense because we look absolutely nothing alike. Really. But I’ll take it anyway cuz I love her.

3. Portia de Rossi – Meow. She’s beautiful. I guess that’s all I had to say, really, except that Ellen is a very lucky lady.

4. Speaking of Ellen – Gaaah! Love. She’s hilarious, talented, fun, hilarious, super cute, hilarious…did I mention hilarious? I want to be her. Or at least be next to her sometime.
“Hope y’all like my new profile pic. The photographer caught me just as I was walking in.” – Ellen DeGeneres on Facebook.

5. Emma Stone – It’s really just because of Easy A. I’m in love with her in that movie. She’s so…sassy. Apparently I like when people are sassy…
“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.” –  Olive, “Easy A”

6. Kat Von D – She’s talented, she’s chill, she has the most amazing makeup line I’ve ever come across (and I’m including MAC in that, which is hard to belive), and she’s a cutie.

7. And last, but certainly not least, Meryl Streep –  The woman can do everything. Mama Mia, Julie and Julia, Doubt, Out of Africa…and she’s absolutely gorgeous. I want to be Meryl Streep. So badly.
“So I said to myself, go ahead, take a chance, hire the smart, fat girl.” – Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada.
Priceless.

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How to Be a Tool


Tool – A complete idiot/jerk. Usually male. Usually works out way too much and thinks he’s the hottest thing since sliced bread.
Remember when we used to say stuff like that? “Hottest thing since sliced bread.” What was hot before sliced bread? And when did sliced bread become hot?
I guess if it’s oven-fresh it can be hot…
 
I found this on UrbanDictionary.com: Tool – Someone who claims to be a coffee fanatic but only buys “frappuccinos” from Starbucks. People who go to TRL. People who listen to Good Charlotte. The members of Good Charlotte.
 
You know you want to be one:
 
1. Ask a girl to take photos of you with your friends and flex the entire time.
Girls really like guys with big muscles. Unfortunately, this isn’t a very sarcastic comment. I wish it were.But girls like guys with tickets to the gun show. So when you’re posing, “joke around” by flexing those biceps.  Hopefully she won’t drop your camera as she swoons.
 
2. Tell girls they’re not pretty enough for you.
Because nothing turns us on better than a self-esteem “boost.” We like to be called ugly. It makes us work harder…at throwing up in the bathroom and wearing more makeup. Babe.
 
3. Say “that’s gay” or “that’s retarded” or just be a jerk in general.
Racial and/or gay slurs are totally acceptable in today’s society. So are derogatory comments about people with mental disabilities. Because I don’t know if you heard, but we’ve decided that the civil rights movement never happened…just like the Holocaust was a conspiracy. So say what you want. The n-word is totally okay with us……..
 
4. Wear your pants as low as humanly possible.
We like seeing your butt cheeks clearly defined by your underwear…underwear which MUST BE VISIBLE AT ALL TIMES!
I vote we make a new law that bans pants altogether. It’d be like a full-time pimps and hos/vicars and tarts party.
 
5. Gel your hair.
Pauly-D, I really love you (especially since you can make anything from “gelato!” to “cabs are here!” sound like the most exciting statement ever made), but you have the weirdest hair ever. Really.
 
 

Trash the TV


Let’s talk about trashy TV and possible theories of why we like it:

1. We secretly want to be trashy and need an outlet to appreciate trashy people.

2. We (not so secretly) hate trashy people and therefore watch shows about them in order to feel better about ourselves.

3. In some sick way they turn us on. This seems a little too Freudian for my taste.

4. We are self destructive and want to punish ourselves by forcing ourselves to bleed out of our eyes.

5. There’s nothing else on TV.

6. They are ridiculously quotable. I refer you to:
“I felt like eating ham and drinking water. Ham.” – J-Woww, Jersey Shore
Every other word uttered on Jersey Shore
“Get me OUTTA HERE!” – Danielle, Real Housewives of New Jersey
The entire “Money Can’t Buy You Class” by Countess Luann (RH of NY). Have I mentioned that she looks about 500 years younger in the music video for that song?

Segue!

Dear Countess Luann,
Are you crazy? Yes, you’re pretty classy, but you’re also a countess. You’re rich.
Money doesn’t buy you class: this is true. But everything you stand for involves having a lot of money. While you sing “money can’t buy you class” in a million dollar gown, do you really think you’d have class without it? 
Sincerely,
Upset in the US

Segue!

We should dislike reality TV. We should dislike all trashy TV (I refer to Californication – I love you, David Duchovny, and I will happily have your children, but that show is a badly disguised porno). We should go all Strokes on their booties, saying, “Good try, we don’t like it. Good try, we won’t take that shit.” But as they said, “I can’t win.” And we can’t. It’s like watching commercials without thinking. They’re just there.

Happiness: Accessable 24 Hours a Day


See Happiness Inducer #2

In order to keep myself from shrieking loudly and then collapsing and writhing on the floor in agony (this agony is derived from being totally insane and/or hormonal/tired/bored/alive), I have to do totally awesome things. So. Totally. Awesome.

Okay, so I don’t actually DO these awesome things. “Doing these awesome things” usually involves remaining motionless and looking at a computer screen…

1. ‘Lectuals
From the people who brought you Hipster Olympics comes ‘Llectuals, the sexy new PBS show about intellectual high school students.
Have I mentioned I actually wouldn’t mind seeing a show like this?

2. The X-Files
Every season is streamable on Netflix, so I basically have 24 hour access to heaven on earth…aka Fox Mulder.

3. Sing Talk
Probably better than Ke$ha’s song TiK ToK, mostly because it doesn’t involve capitalizing the third letter of words.

4. Budweiser Greetings Commercial
I hate Budweiser commercials, usually. But this one makes me want to be a guy and do these things. Watch.

5. Old Spice Commercial Parody
Old Christ: The Man Your Man Could Smell Like
I love the real Old Spice man, but this comes as a pretty close second.

6. Watching J-Woww “feel like eating ham and drinking water”
I don’t know what it is, but I love J-Woww. She is my homegirl. Also, this is probably the cutest thing I have ever seen her do. Ham.

7. Sassy Gay Friend
This one (Hamlet) is my favorite, but they’re all amazing. Okay? Okay.

Cheers, enjoy, live long and prosper, and AHOY!

How to Keep it Classy, or How Not to Be a Twit


Know why he's The Most Interesting Man in the World? Cuz he keeps it classy.

There is only one rule that one must abide by in order to stay classy. That rule is this: Don’t be a twit.
Twit: (n.) 1. A moron with absolutely no sense. 2. One who uses Twitter.

Okay, that second one was just for funsies. But really…I was looking something up on Google Images the other day and one of the photos was from twitter and labeled TwitPics. Why? What? Why?

As the Countess Luann once said, “Money can’t buy you class. Money can’t buy you class. Elegance is learned, my friends. Elegance is learned, oh yeah.” Technically, in her case, money can’t buy you class but it can buy you a record deal and fame even when you haven’t got much talent…

So don’t be a twit. How? It’s simple.

1. Don’t wear so much makeup that it looks like you shoved your face into a cake before you left the house. That’s probably not where the term “cake face” came from, but I think it’s close enough.

2. Don’t lean all over guys, especially when you first meet them. Give it a little time – make sure they smell good.
Actually, this has nothing to do with protecting your nose from gross scents. It does, however, have everything to do with not looking like a total bimbo when you’re in public.

Check out the poof on that fine sista.

3. Don’t tease your hair so much that you look like a dinosaur. I’m lookin’ at you, female cast of Jersey Shore. Nobody’s head is shaped that way naturally. So don’t push it.

4. Don’t shriek in public. I don’t care how happy you are. People around you have eardrums to protect.
Be happy. I’m happy. I am so happy, in fact, that I prefer to keep it to a dull roar.
Plus, when you shriek like that you just sound like a chipmunk being murdered…

5. Don’t get slobbering drunk. I get that you want to party. But don’t you also want to remember how much fun you had? Keep it classy, babe. Carry your champagne (or beer/vodka tonic/whatever…but champagne is classier cuz it’s French) around for a while, take a sip, carry it a little longer, take another sip. Don’t down the whole thing at once; then it starts getting ugly.

Jersey Shore: The Jerk Boyfriend I Never Wanted


Jersey, baby, I’ve tried to stay away. I know you’re no good for me. But just when I think I’m over you, I see you at a party and I’m mesmerized. So I sit down and watch you from afar. I think I’m addicted.

I am way too good for you. I’m classy and you’re trashy. But you know what they say about good girls always wanting bad boys? Well, I have that. I’m intrigued by your different way of life. You show that side of humanity that says, “Yo. I want to do what I want to do. Everyone else is just a side-show.” It’s exciting. You are just a baaaad boy.

Every night, you’re out with hundreds of other girls. In their living rooms, bedrooms, dining rooms, kitchens…you’re everywhere. Hasn’t anyone told you not to be so easy? Don’t you ever want to be exclusive and just show yourself for one girl? Bad boy, people will start to use and abuse you. They will play and replay you, and I don’t think you want that.

Every time things start to get exciting between us, we’re interrupted by all your friends calling you and telling you about new movies, new shows on MTV, and fast food restaurants offering deals. Can’t you tell your friends you’re busy? I just want you and you alone. No interruptions.

And people have started copying your style, baby. You should tell them to back off, cuz they’re just knockoffs. High schoolers make theme parties trying to be like you. They steal your dance moves and your hairdos…baby, show them who the real deal is.

I love you baby. Even though you treat me bad.