Yes, Mary Did Know.


Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water? Mary, did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?
Well, yes…an angel woke me up in the middle of my beauty sleep to let me know. I don’t think I would forget something so significant.

Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
Were you drunk when you wrote that line? Because it doesn’t make any sense. Someone’s been dipping into the holiday nog.

This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.
Yes, and as I understand it, his sacrifice will be about as painful as giving birth to a child without the use of pain killers or antibiotics. Do you know how dirty mangers are? They are infested with lots of very unsanitary things.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
No, but apparently you do. Good for you, you’re amazing, shut up.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?
Baby strong man!

Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
Ooh! Ooh! Me too! Remember that thing about the angel coming down from heaven and telling me that my baby was God’s? We went on a little walk and at one point I probably stepped on his footsteps. So HA!

When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?
When you put it like that, I feel uncomfortable.

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo… The blind will see.The deaf will hear.The dead will live again.
Oh. Like zombies?

The lame will leap.The dumb will speak the praises of the lamb.
It’th a Chwistmas miwacle.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy is lord of all creation? Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day rule the nations? Did you know that your baby boy is heaven’s perfect lamb? The sleeping child you’re holding is the great, I am.
Who is? He is? Or you are. You just said he’s the great but now you said you’re the great and I think it’s a little presumptuous of you to say something like that. That’s my son you’re talking about!

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Mondegreen, Part 2 (You Merry Music Man)


When I was younger, I knew about two words of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer.” The rest of the words I just murfled or made up as I went along.
Well, now that I’ve gotten used to those words, it’s just about impossible for me to sing the right ones. So here, for your pleasure…one night only…the great hit “Tony Danza.”

Bluejee baby. LA lady, seems just for the band.
Pretty eyes, pirate smile, you merry music man.
By the river, you must’ve seen her dancing in the sand.
Now she’s in me. Always with me. Tiny dancer in my hand.
Jesus breeze out in the street. Handing tickets out for God.
Turning back, she just laughs. Full of art is not that bad.
I know man, he mixes Dan. And they’re all da toreum.
Lookin’ on she sings the songs. Words she knows and June she hums.
But oh how it feels so real lying here with no one near…

When I say softly…slowly…

HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (I never thought it was really Tony Danza, but it’s definitely more fun to sing that way.)
Count the headlights on the highway
Baby darling she’s so flannin
You hide the bills a day to day.

Etc etc etc, repeated until you want to rip your ears off.

And that’s how we do it.

Someone Like You


To begin this story, and help illustrate the weird ramblings my mind takes, I should let you know that I’ve been listening to Adele’s “21” nonstop for the past week. I finally bought the whole thing (I’d gotten a couple songs from it but finally caved because it’s AWESOME). So I sing in the shower (a lot) and was bustin’ out some “Someone Like You” while shaving, when I thought of something totally profound. Maybe.

I know that Adele isn’t creepy, or a stalker, or even someone I could possibly think negatively of, so just know that before I continue. I think the song is beautiful, and extremely artfully done, and I identify with it in a lot of ways.

But I also was thinking that it could totally go a different (weird) way (if you were insane, which Adele isn’t, and which I try not to be too). I’ll explain better:

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re
Married now
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

Right. So basically they used to date, then they broke up, then he got married and is happy and she’s like “Oh, I heard you’re married. I just wasn’t good enough for you, was I?! WAS I?! I HOPE SHE’S SUPER PRETTY AND SUPER DUMB!” Kinda.

Old friend why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light

 I mean, I guess he hasn’t talked to you in a while because you’re not dating anymore, and because you went nutso on him after you broke up so he got a restraining order.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over

Girl, it’s over. It’s over for both of you, and he’s moved on. You’d moved on too, until you found out he had a wife and now you’re showing up at his house like “Ooh, I miss you so much, I love you even though we haven’t talked in years.” Have a little self respect, and stop “turning up out of the blue” because it’s not romantic or thoughtful, it’s sad :(

Never mind I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
“Don’t forget me”, I begged.
I’ll remember, you said, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

That’s the spirit! Maybe. Here’s the deal. I don’t think he’s good enough for you. Like, I get it, he was your lover and you’re sad especially since he’s moved on, but you don’t need to find someone LIKE him, you need to find someone ELSE who DOESN’T remind you of him, because that’s just sick and unhealthy.
And then she sings some more stuff about time and happiness and such, and then repeats some of the stuff she said before…

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

So that’s pretty sad. But I have a philosophy that goes something like this: you’ll die an old maid if you don’t get over it.
Oh, that was kinda mean. And I never live by that, so I’m a big, rude, hypocrite who just insulted an entire song by Adele that I honestly love love love just for the sake of comedy.
I make so many sacrifices for you people.

And then she sings more about finding someone like him, which personally I think is a mistake because I bet he smells a little weird and anyone who doesn’t marry Adele is a fool.

And…bow. Because that’s the end of the song and this horrendous blog post.

Oh. By the way. Do you think Adele will still marry me/be my best friend? Because she’s gorgeous and soooo talented. Watch.