A Few Guarantees For My Wedding

I’m getting married, y’all!

Psych. I should probably actually talk to boys first. Well, actually, I should talk to men…but I’m easing my way up…I’m still shy around 10 year olds. Anyway, if I were to get married, here are a few things I can guarantee about the wedding.

1. There will be no tulle involved. None. A lady came into the fabric store I worked at and ordered 30 YARDS of tulle because she was making her wedding gown. And to that I say, no. No no no no no. One inch of tulle is too much.

2. No garters for you. Nobody needs to see my leg on my wedding night except my husband, and he will definitely not be removing a garter with his teeth (I saw that once and was very uncomfortable). People don’t wear garters anymore, guys.

3. I will mandate that everyone wears incredibly bright colors to my wedding. None of this taupe nonsense, please. We’re celebrating, and colors will be involved.

4. I will be allowed to make several awkward and not-funny jokes while at the altar. No one will laugh, and that’s ok. I will also probably trip as I walk down the aisle, and that’s ok too. My husband-to-be will also make awkward jokes, and I will laugh because I like awkward jokes, and then we will kiss in front of a bunch of people which is also technically super awkward.

5. I will not be bridezilla because this is not my day, this is just a day. A very happy day, of course, and I will be ecstatic, but I will not turn into The Hulk and murder people when I don’t get my way.

6. I will more than likely wear a red dress at the reception.

7. I will give a toast at my wedding because I like attention and also I have never given a toast and really want to.

8. You are required to dance. Also, there will be no soul music. Most likely there will be one or two Mark Knopfler songs for the slow ones, and after that if you’re not jitterbugging and/or limboing, you’re not welcome at my wedding anymore.

9. We will smoosh cake in each others faces, if only because I really want to know what that feels like.

10. I will drink champagne out of the bottle, because that is both classy and stupid which are the two words that I want to epitomize everything about my life.

You’re all invited. I’d like cookware for presents.


I Got Married at a Party

With this ring, I thee...see ya.

With this ring, I thee…see ya.

Once, I was married for about three seconds. Well, okay, that’s a lie, but it felt that way.

I should start by saying that I don’t really go to parties, because:

1. Drinking is illegal for me, as I’m only 19 and in the U.S. you have to be 21. Which I personally think is a mistake, since everyone in college wants to drink and will find a way to do it whether it’s legal or not, but that’s beside the point.

2. Most parties in college consist of a lot of alcohol consumed by a lot of people.

3. See number 1.

So I don’t tend to go out to parties much, but about two months ago I did, (and didn’t drink, Mom!) and was having a lovely time dancing on my own (because boys are afraid of my sick moves) when my friend noticed a guy standing behind me, staring at me. She thought this meant that he wanted to dance, but I personally thought it was because he was out of his mind on a whole lot of illegal substances which could potentially have put him in the hospital. But at this point, he was at least semi-responsive and looking at me, and somehow managed to ask me if I’d like to dance. I said yes, mainly because I am an awkward monkey and don’t know how to talk to someone whose blood is half alcohol and half weed.

We had been dancing for about 3 seconds when he rubbed my butt. With his hand. In a very…rubby…way. And then he removed his hand from my trouser area (thank goodness) and held my hand. Really strongly, in an “I am now dating you” sort of way. I know this sounds so ridiculous, but I think it was one of the nicest hand-holding experiences I’ve had, creepy guy/butt rub aside. And then he looked deep into my eyes, and might’ve continued to my soul had he not been so wasted that his gaze shifted to my ear.

The point is, I got a butt rub, hand hold, and soul-searching gaze all in about 10 seconds before he walked away, at which point I busted out laughing for about a year. Because really, I could’ve been creeped out or offended, but this sort of thing would only happen to me. My friends? Would’ve danced with a normal fellow and had nice conversation. Me? Butt rub hand hold all the way.

Oh, and did I mention that I sat about 10 feet away from him in my class two days later? Yeah. I see him all the time. Best part? He doesn’t remember. But I do. I remember. And he is my husband. My creepy, slightly rapey husband.


Cougs Vote

This video was made by a friend of mine (we went to high school together and now are both at WSU) in support of Marriage Equality in Washington State. If your state’s ballot has a similar issue to vote on, vote in support of gay marriage. If it doesn’t, start working to get legislation in support of it! DO IT! Because we should give gays the same rights we have as heterosexuals, including the happiness of a wedding day. And, you know, those 50 years of marriage that we take for granted. They don’t take it for granted. Help them out.

Vote to Approve Ref 74 in Washington State. “No freedom ’til we’re equal, damn right I support it.”

You can see the video here. Sorry to those who tried to watch it before, apparently I can’t internet and posted something that didn’t exist.

10 points to whoever can find me in this video, lookin’ awkward. But hey, that’s not what it’s about; it’s about my family and friends being equal under the law.

I’m So Proud

As one of my friends said, “I would say, ‘Unbelievable!’ but it’s more like, ‘Hey, welcome to the 21st century, what took you so long?’ I’m very proud to be a Washingtonian.”

I don’t know if you’ve gathered, but that was in reference to the fact that today, just in time for Valentines Day, Washington State has passed a gay marriage bill into law. The law won’t take effect for a few months, and will definitely face a lot more opposition, but I’m still proud. And excited.

I love listening to anti-gay marriage arguments. Not because I agree, obviously, but because they’re so stupid. Letting gays marry will do nothing to your own heterosexual marriage. They aren’t going to raid your home and steal your wife, they aren’t going to make you cheat on your husband, and they’re not going to rip up your marriage certificate. What is at stake? Nothing except the freedom you’ve been denying them for years. For God’s sake, get over it.

Just because you disagree with someone’s way of life, you do not have the right to tell them to change how they feel and who they are. This sentence comes with a disclaimer excluding murderers, rapists, etc. But gays are not in that category, no matter what you say. So get over yourself, because this isn’t about you. It’s about a huge group of other people who are pleading to be treated as humans. We’ve already gone through so much as a nation, discriminating against so many races and religions, so why can’t we just give it up and love each other and let these people get married?

There’s a lot of terrible stuff going on in this world; people are getting murdered, raped, beaten, starved to death every day. Amidst all these atrocities, we’re worried about two people in love getting married? We’re worried about it because they happen to be of the same sex? This issue deals with whether or not people can share their love for the rest of their lives like heterosexual people have been able to for centuries. And we’re finally coming to our senses and letting them.

So of course I’m excited and proud and wiggling for joy today. Because my state has made another huge step toward marriage equality. And finally my friends and family members will soon be able to get married to whomever they choose. I’m sad that this had to be voted on, because this shouldn’t even be an issue, but since it is, we’ve done a good thing today.

So to everyone out there, all around the world, let’s keep moving. Let’s make this universal. Let’s let love prevail.

She’s Falling, Flying on the Wings of Love

Image of the happy couple from Gawker.com

My friend and I are obsessed with Courtney Stodden. And no, we don’t have crushes on her. But we’re absolutely fascinated. Absolutely. Fascinated.

For those of you unfamiliar with her beautiful rise to fame, Courtney Stodden married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison (of Green Mile and Lost fame) this spring at the ripe old age of 16. And now she’s flaunting her boobs about Hollywood like she grew them herself. As she put it, she and Doug found themselves “falling, flying on the wings of love.” This girl is the future poet laureate of this great nation of ours.
Ooooh this post is hard to write. I don’t want to be a jerk and there are soooo many things I have to hold myself back from saying. Please imagine me sitting at my computer, flexing and unflexing my hands while screaming “EEEEEEEEEE” over and over.

Anyway, she’s become a fascinating object for me and Chloe to ponder over. Who are you, Courtney? What is your story? What is your song? Why don’t you ever wear clothes?

I’ve always had a theory that we hate what we don’t understand. I don’t hate Courtney Stodden; there’s really no reason for me to hate her. She hasn’t spoiled the sanctity of marriage. I don’t worry that my children will grow up and want to be like her. I don’t hate her. I don’t truly hate anyone. But I quite honestly don’t think I’ll ever understand her. I don’t want to be that girl, but…I kind of pity her.

Does she really need to act the way she does? Who honestly tweets “Receiving a magical massage from my magnificent mister next to the midnight moon… Mmm ;)” The girl is obsessed with alliteration, and for that reason alone I fear for her sanity.

I guess it isn’t even what she wears, or that she’s oversexualized herself, or that her parents are insane for allowing her to get married and then act this way at such a young age (or ever). It’s that she is so completely absurd. “I decided to remain a virgin until marriage.” Oh, good for you, Courtney, cuz I know it was really hard for me to remain a virgin when I was only 16 years old.
And her husband is just as ridiculous. “I wish I could’ve been a virgin for her.” Oh for heaven’s sake. You’re 51 years old. You shouldn’t even be touching this girl, let alone wishing you were a virgin when you consummated your marriage. Just get over it and stop lying. I don’t respect liars. Not that I could ever necessarily respect these two anyway.

I hope they truly are in love. Honestly. That’s not a holier than thou statement or anything. I honestly hope they’re happy together, because they’re getting a lot of shit in the media for what they’re doing with their lives. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she has been, and I wish no harm on them. I just don’t get it. I really just don’t get it.

That said, they’re pretty great comedy value. We laugh at things we wish to differentiate ourselves from. So here, differentiate yourself from them. Quick.

Lovestruck, Elevators, and Marry Me David.

I love college basketball. I especially loved it a few years ago when our local team had some pretty great players on it.

One of those players was David. Sigh. Oh David. I loved David in that sad way a high schooler loves a college guy; it was like Shakespearean tragedy. We were never meant to be. But I watched him from afar, his ginger hair flowing (ish) and making him look like his head was on fire…in a sexy way.

Now that he’s not in college anymore, he works in my parents’ office building, which is also across the street from mine. From time to time I go to deliver something to my mom and hop back in the elevator, only to have DAVID get in next to me. I swear, it’s so sad how I almost piddle my pants every single time I see him.

Him, walking into the elevator: Hi. [polite smile and nod]
Me: Nrrrgnghhhh [pee]
Him: [silence, because he didn’t notice that I’m an idiot]
Me, in a very quiet whisper: Marry me, David.

This is how it should've gone down.

Well, he married someone, but she is not me! In all fairness, she looks a bit like me (tall and blonde, and that’s about where the resemblance stops), so I just have to assume that he was so heartbroken that he couldn’t find his mysterious elevator girl (also known as pee-girl) and was forced to settle for someone similar. I saw them getting ice cream the other day. They were cute. Boo.

Anyway, the point of this blog post is this: We finally spoke today. I know. I know!
I was in the elevator and it stopped on his floor. I was thinking to myself, “I wish David would be here, but all I see is this shorter (yet nice) fellow wearing a north face. Where is David?” when all of a sudden, there he was, in his gigantic ginger glory. (I never miss a chance at alliteration.)


Me: [Silence, because I really didn’t want him to think I was psycho]
His friend: Hello! [He was super cheery]
Me: Hi there! [David, love me]
DAVIDDD: [bangs his head against the wall of the elevator violently like, 8 times]
His friend: Dude, you’re so out of it today.
David: I know! [Bang bang]
Me: [Attractive laugh]
David, turning: Hi, how are you?
Me: I’m great thanks [you spoke to me!] It’s been one of those days. I feel like banging my head against a wall too.
David: [Attractive chuckle] Oh man, what a day.
Me: [Marry me please!] Well, have a nice day! This is my stop.
David and Friend: You too!

So obviously, you can see that we will be going on a date tonight. Yes, he has a wife. Yes, I have a boyfriend. I don’t really see your point. Nothing can get in the way of the love between David and Elevator Girl.

Plus, I looked pretty cute. And there’s only a 5% chance that there was something in my teeth. So there.