How to Be a Creep


Ahh, my specialty.

1. Walk quietly up behind them and begin singing a song really softly and slowly in their ear. It’s best if it’s a song from a children’s movie or something. Just imagine hearing “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…” floating eerily into your ear.

2. Lurk. Anywhere, really. Lurk in corners, dark areas, etc. But perhaps the most creepy way to lurk is to lurk as if you think no one can see you when really, they can. Lurk in fully lit rooms, “hide” against walls, follow people around on the street…really, as long as you’ve got your shoulders hiked up a little toward your ears and you have shifty eyes, your lurking is a success.

3. Stroke people’s arms. Just walk up behind them and say quietly, “You’re so soft” and touch them lightly on the upper arm. Then stroke. Because really, when someone doesn’t want to be touched, it’s best to touch them on as much surface area as possible…

4. Ask for a lock of their hair…or better yet, ask their friend to obtain said hair for you. That way, you can enjoy their luscious locks any time you want, and they’ll never know that you have them!

5. Just show up at their house unannounced, call them on the phone while peering into their bedroom window, and whisper, “I’m here.”

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Mary Poppins Pockets


My boyfriend keeps everything in his pockets. I guess that’s not unusual, since most guys don’t carry purses etc. It’s just always so hilarious to me when he pulls his phone and wallet, a whole cake and a small elephant out of his pockets at the end of the day.

What? How? How was all that stuff in there? They didn’t seem full…you didn’t look like you’d had a poo incident in the front of your pants…then how? Your pants aren’t weird or anything, right? There’s no “false bottom” in them? Is that possible?

How have you been carting all that stuff around all day? And can I have some of your magical powers?

There's an elephant in there, I swear.

Of course, I laugh at him, because I have no tact. And he may or may not strangle me (or throw his pocket elephant at me) in anger for writing a stupid blog post about his deformity unusually spacious pockets.

I laugh about it because I think it’s cute. I will never get over the novelty of his Mary Poppins/Hermione bag pockets.  I laugh because honestly, there’s no reason to laugh. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore. I know what he keeps in there (elephants, I tell you!), so it shouldn’t be surprising.

I laugh because I laugh at everything, to be honest. I think the things I say are hilarious, I laugh at my own blog posts (way too hard), I laugh at people’s pockets…it’s just what I do.

It makes me wonder, does the novelty ever wear off? I hope not. I’d like to think that I will forever laugh at his pockets, and lots of other worn out and old jokes that we’ve formulated over the years we’ve known each other. Because it seems that as long as I can laugh at him, and he can tease me for it, we’ll always be in pretty good shape.

Leave it to me to turn a post about pockets into a lesson on keeping love alive, or some such rubbish.

But seriously, I always wanted to date someone like Mary Poppins.