My Mind: The Ultimate Three Ring Circus


To the blogging community (and everyone else out there, I guess): I have gone completely insane. My blogs from now until eternity will probably contain an edge of bitterness and cynicism that should not not not not not be there. Why?

Cuz I’m insane. Didn’t I already mention that?
Prepare for a ramble-fest.

My mind runs in too many circles. Props to GirlOnTheContrary for writing a similar post earlier (except not, cuz she didn’t say she’s mentally unstable, just has a crazy jumbled/crowded brain). Anyway, my mind is like a circus ring. I’m pretty sure there are elephants romping around, too. And these aren’t cute Dumbo elephants. They’re angry elephants on crack.
Don’t give elephants crack. It’s damaging to my…me-ness.

I feel like jumping around and screaming. Actually, I already did that (and blasted some Strokes and sang along until I practically passed out). Maybe I feel like doing it again.

Nothing happens to actually make me this way. I just become this way. And while I’d really like to blame it on my period, I already did a post about that…no repeat material here. I become this way because every little teeny tiny inconsequential thing that ever happens to me is immediately analyzed and then stored to the back of my brain for further analysis at random points throughout my life.

This blog is getting entirely too personal for my liking. Onward.

One time, I held hands with someone’s boyfriend. It wasn’t meant to be romantic, because I didn’t like the guy that way and it was kind of a joke but then it turned out to not feel like a joke because I liked it. Then I felt guilty for like 2 weeks because of it.
I’m not the boyfriend stealing type. There was no reason for me to feel guilty, really. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t plot to steal him away from her, I didn’t do it again, and I definitely hadn’t started it. But I couldn’t stop thinking.

One time, someone told me all their problems and that they felt sad about life (hmm, like I’m doing to you). I carried those problems around for a month before I totally flipped out and told them we couldn’t be friends anymore.
Why? Cuz I felt like cutting myself every time I heard about their sadness.
Probably not the right way to deal.

ONE TIME, I accidentally acted uninterested in what someone had to say. Then I analyzed every possible bad feeling they could’ve felt as a consequence of me not saying nice things to them. And then I felt terrible.

I don’t want to be the person who says, “I’m always so nice to everyone and I’m so empathetic that it’s just a huge burden on me.” But sometimes I am. The empathetic part, that is.
See, my point is to make everyone happy and laugh and whatnot. And while sometimes I can be really mean and sometimes I’m hard to deal with, I feel guilty about it about 3 seconds later. But because I am completely crap at communicating my feelings when I’m upset in any way, I end up making it worse. Or just sounding like an idiot.

And then I get super emotional and tell people things I shouldn’t. Like right now. But I think maybe you should know that:
One time, my brain exploded because I overthought everything until I went crazy.