One Time I Wrote Fanfic

It was awesome. There’s something really exhilarating about writing absolute tripe on the internet…maybe that’s why I like blogging. Anyway, it’s some of the most ridiculous nonsense I’ve ever written but I thought I’d share it with you here, because…because it’s Downton Abbey fanfic and Carson is sassy in it. So you’re welcome.


Midnight in the Library

In which Carson keeps it tight. Meow.

“Carson.” Thomas leaned against the doorframe, his sleeves rolled to the crook of his arm, vest buttons undone. His chest rose and fell quickly over labored breath. “Carson, I need you.”

Charles Carson looked up from his desk, his glasses at the tip of his nose. He pulled them off to chew tenderly on the end of his wire frames. “Oh?”

Thomas walked forward, leaning on the desk and pushing his face toward Carson’s. A small trickle of sweat ran down his temple, his hair disheveled, chest still heaving. “You’ve got no idea.”

This had become a common occurrence lately, as Thomas became more and more stressed with his duties serving Branson, so Carson was not particularly surprised to see him in disarray, panting above him. At first, Carson had disapproved of Thomas’ growing familiarity, running into his office at all hours of the evening, constantly needing advice or support of some kind. But loneliness gets the better of even the most upstanding men, and he’d begun to find Thomas’ adoration difficult to eschew. Carson was leaving tomorrow, anyway, without a word to anyone, not even Thomas. So no, it wasn’t surprising that Thomas arrived in Carson’s office at midnight, as the last bits of his candle flickered weakly. What was surprising, however, was that a desk still separated the two men.

Thomas led him into the library, fingers lightly grazing Carson’s hip through his jacket while he spoke. “I just can’t get these books straightened.” Never mind that book-straightening had never been an actual duty around Downton. Never mind that, had it been, Carson would have been even less capable of the task than Thomas. Never mind that they could be caught at any moment, suspiciously wandering the upstairs while the family slept. Nothing mattered now. Not now that Carson was leaving Downton forever. This was their last night together, and it would be spent in their place. It would be spent in the library.

It was too much. Carson found no reason to stay at Downton now, not now that he’d sullied his position and all it stood for. He’d loved every moment of his mischief, loved every warm breath that had passed from between Thomas’ beautiful lips, loved every second they’d spent alone in this darkened room. But he could no longer look Lord Grantham in the eye at dinner with these secrets ricocheting through his head. Given his propensity for telling the truth, no matter the cost, Carson knew he wouldn’t make it much longer without outing Thomas and himself as the sinners they were. The incandescent, passionate, sinning lovers they’d become.

It had been the false premises that intrigued him, always gave him that giddy fluttering in his stomach that he’d never experienced before. The questions Thomas had needed to ask him in the wee hours of the morning, drawing him from his bed in just a nightshirt. Before, he’d walked a tightrope of perfection that had thrilled him; polishing candlesticks had made his heart race in a way no woman ever had. But Thomas was an enigma, the most beautiful enigma, and now that he’d tasted freedom with Thomas, staying at Downton felt futile.

So he stood in the library, that same candle glimmering away in all its dying glory, his arm against a bookshelf as Thomas stood between him and so many classic pieces of literature, his breath catching in his throat, passion choking him as it never had before.

“Thomas,” Carson breathed. Thomas’ eyes twinkled wildly, his lips curled into the most glorious smirk he had ever seen. He exhaled heavily, leaning closer.

The candle flickered and, in a tiny burst of light, died.


I Would Ship You All

I might secretly want to write fan fiction. Like, really badly, if only to make it so absurdly ridiculous that I’ll get some sort of cult following of 14 year old girls who love me and make me rich and famous. Kind of like that doof who wrote 50 Shades of Grey, only…a million times better at writing and not British. And I don’t have children who will be mortified to find out that I’m the one writing kinky Twilight fan fiction. Someone should call child protective services on EL James. ASAP.

Anyway, I wanna write fan fiction about everything. And I will ship everyone. For those of you who don’t know, shipping is when you take two characters you’d like to see together and write a fan fiction piece about it. So let’s get started.

Crime and Punishment, where Raskolnikov actually falls in love with Alyona Ivanovna and decides not to kill her with an axe. Instead, he shacks up with her and Lizaveta and becomes landlord to his former neighbors, becoming rich and grumpy in the process. But, no matter how surly he is, he always has his beloved Alyona, and they live happily ever after amongst their gold coins and furrowed brows. It’s amazing what Cupid’s arrow can do.

The Great Gatsby. After that fateful night when Daisy ran over Myrtle, Gatsby decides to go on a little vacation with Nick. Just to get away, to clear his head. Soon, the two friends become more, so much more, and run away together into the sunset. Daisy doesn’t matter. East Egg and West Egg don’t matter. Nothing matters but Gatsby’s eyes, Nick’s smile, their love.

The Office. Meredith and Creed have sat so close all these years, yet their hearts have been so far apart. Finally, after Meredith has to shave her head due to that unfortunate lice incident, Creed realizes that they’re similar in so many ways (hairstyles now being one of them). He walks to Meredith’s desk, places a joint on her desk, and waits. She smiles knowingly. This is love. This was meant to be. How had she never seen it before? She invites him to her minivan and they talk for hours, completely forgetting the joint they’d planned to smoke. Talking is all they need. Unfortunately, someone sees the joint, calls the police, and they’re both arrested for possession of illegal substances. Due to prior offenses, both are sent to prison and separated forever. It’s tragic, but rather fitting.

The News Hour with Jim Lehrer on PBS. Gwen Ifill and Ray Suarez, having worked together for so long, finally realize they’ll never find anyone else who works the crazy hours that they do. Longing glances across the anchor desk turn to whispers in dressing rooms and soon, Gwen is receiving flowers daily. Coworkers are confused at first, but finally realize yes, this was always meant to be. Gwen and Ray are America’s Will and Kate, and they reign over the nightly news with dignity and class never before seen, especially not on FOX news.

So there you have it. I’m amazing. Feel free to send me fan mail.