She’s Falling, Flying on the Wings of Love


Image of the happy couple from Gawker.com

My friend and I are obsessed with Courtney Stodden. And no, we don’t have crushes on her. But we’re absolutely fascinated. Absolutely. Fascinated.

For those of you unfamiliar with her beautiful rise to fame, Courtney Stodden married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison (of Green Mile and Lost fame) this spring at the ripe old age of 16. And now she’s flaunting her boobs about Hollywood like she grew them herself. As she put it, she and Doug found themselves “falling, flying on the wings of love.” This girl is the future poet laureate of this great nation of ours.
Ooooh this post is hard to write. I don’t want to be a jerk and there are soooo many things I have to hold myself back from saying. Please imagine me sitting at my computer, flexing and unflexing my hands while screaming “EEEEEEEEEE” over and over.

Anyway, she’s become a fascinating object for me and Chloe to ponder over. Who are you, Courtney? What is your story? What is your song? Why don’t you ever wear clothes?

I’ve always had a theory that we hate what we don’t understand. I don’t hate Courtney Stodden; there’s really no reason for me to hate her. She hasn’t spoiled the sanctity of marriage. I don’t worry that my children will grow up and want to be like her. I don’t hate her. I don’t truly hate anyone. But I quite honestly don’t think I’ll ever understand her. I don’t want to be that girl, but…I kind of pity her.

Does she really need to act the way she does? Who honestly tweets “Receiving a magical massage from my magnificent mister next to the midnight moon… Mmm ;)” The girl is obsessed with alliteration, and for that reason alone I fear for her sanity.

I guess it isn’t even what she wears, or that she’s oversexualized herself, or that her parents are insane for allowing her to get married and then act this way at such a young age (or ever). It’s that she is so completely absurd. “I decided to remain a virgin until marriage.” Oh, good for you, Courtney, cuz I know it was really hard for me to remain a virgin when I was only 16 years old.
And her husband is just as ridiculous. “I wish I could’ve been a virgin for her.” Oh for heaven’s sake. You’re 51 years old. You shouldn’t even be touching this girl, let alone wishing you were a virgin when you consummated your marriage. Just get over it and stop lying. I don’t respect liars. Not that I could ever necessarily respect these two anyway.

I hope they truly are in love. Honestly. That’s not a holier than thou statement or anything. I honestly hope they’re happy together, because they’re getting a lot of shit in the media for what they’re doing with their lives. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she has been, and I wish no harm on them. I just don’t get it. I really just don’t get it.

That said, they’re pretty great comedy value. We laugh at things we wish to differentiate ourselves from. So here, differentiate yourself from them. Quick.

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Someone Like You


To begin this story, and help illustrate the weird ramblings my mind takes, I should let you know that I’ve been listening to Adele’s “21” nonstop for the past week. I finally bought the whole thing (I’d gotten a couple songs from it but finally caved because it’s AWESOME). So I sing in the shower (a lot) and was bustin’ out some “Someone Like You” while shaving, when I thought of something totally profound. Maybe.

I know that Adele isn’t creepy, or a stalker, or even someone I could possibly think negatively of, so just know that before I continue. I think the song is beautiful, and extremely artfully done, and I identify with it in a lot of ways.

But I also was thinking that it could totally go a different (weird) way (if you were insane, which Adele isn’t, and which I try not to be too). I’ll explain better:

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re
Married now
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

Right. So basically they used to date, then they broke up, then he got married and is happy and she’s like “Oh, I heard you’re married. I just wasn’t good enough for you, was I?! WAS I?! I HOPE SHE’S SUPER PRETTY AND SUPER DUMB!” Kinda.

Old friend why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light

 I mean, I guess he hasn’t talked to you in a while because you’re not dating anymore, and because you went nutso on him after you broke up so he got a restraining order.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over

Girl, it’s over. It’s over for both of you, and he’s moved on. You’d moved on too, until you found out he had a wife and now you’re showing up at his house like “Ooh, I miss you so much, I love you even though we haven’t talked in years.” Have a little self respect, and stop “turning up out of the blue” because it’s not romantic or thoughtful, it’s sad :(

Never mind I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
“Don’t forget me”, I begged.
I’ll remember, you said, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

That’s the spirit! Maybe. Here’s the deal. I don’t think he’s good enough for you. Like, I get it, he was your lover and you’re sad especially since he’s moved on, but you don’t need to find someone LIKE him, you need to find someone ELSE who DOESN’T remind you of him, because that’s just sick and unhealthy.
And then she sings some more stuff about time and happiness and such, and then repeats some of the stuff she said before…

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

So that’s pretty sad. But I have a philosophy that goes something like this: you’ll die an old maid if you don’t get over it.
Oh, that was kinda mean. And I never live by that, so I’m a big, rude, hypocrite who just insulted an entire song by Adele that I honestly love love love just for the sake of comedy.
I make so many sacrifices for you people.

And then she sings more about finding someone like him, which personally I think is a mistake because I bet he smells a little weird and anyone who doesn’t marry Adele is a fool.

And…bow. Because that’s the end of the song and this horrendous blog post.

Oh. By the way. Do you think Adele will still marry me/be my best friend? Because she’s gorgeous and soooo talented. Watch.

This Is My Life


My happiness is like the combined happiness of these people.

Two recent searches that brought people to my blog caught my attention today. Someone typed in “Bella Swan stupid,” thereby restoring my faith in humanity. Someone else (who I really really love but who might have a pretty intense form of ADD) wrote “I love you are my best friend big dinosa.” That’s it. They didn’t even finish the word…and the sentence barely makes sense. I’m glad such incoherent babble directs people to this blog.
Whoa. Idea. Maybe the person who typed that in had writer’s block and couldn’t figure out what else to write in their search! This blog is aptly named, if that’s the case. Everyone here has writer’s block. Except me, ironically, because I post sometimes 3 times a day. Oh that is so sad… 

Basically, I love the universe because HELLO, people are actually reading what I write and I can guarantee I don’t know at least 2,000 of them. Which is actually probably pretty weird since Mommy told me not to talk to strangers. 

I think I might mention this drugged-up chick too much.

People told me not to write posts about “pop culture ‘things.'” I told them to shove off. If those people had actually read my posts, they’d know that the majority of them are actually me blithering on about how to do things totally inappropriately/crazily/stupidly. So there. Honestly, I bet some people would rather I wrote a million posts about Ke$ha, but too bad, cuz I’m not gonna do that either. I am a free spirit.

On a side note, my sister just attempted to imitate Eminem, going “hrrnehnur HEH nrr nrr nenny nenny hehnunna.” I might have just peed a little. I wish I could add a little voice clip to this post, but I really don’t think I should bother. It might startle people with heart conditions. 

I wish there was a feature on the blog stats monitor that beeped every time you had a hit on your blog. These past few days, I could’ve been sitting in my room listening to my computer beep like mad. Then when I go back to having 64 readers a day, I could just imagine the beeps I once had and cry, alone, clutching my stuffed bear and rocking back and forth. 

What if, with that blog stats beeper, when you didn’t have any hits it would just make a noise like you were flatlining. You’d know, then, that you should just delete your blog forever and find a new hobby, like knitting or saving orphaned ladybugs. 

I love all of you. I love all of you so much, because I wrote a post about Barney that thousands of people read. The funny thing is, I was so close to throwing that post in the trash because I didn’t think anyone would like it. So I wrote it, almost trashed it, posted it instead, got Freshly Pressed, and created a long dialogue between at least 70 adults about how much they love/hate/don’t care about Barney. I’m so glad this happened. My life is complete. Ish.