Polite Raps 2: Even Politer Raps

Shoutout to my girl Caity, this one’s for you, girl. Ayeeeeee!

That’s the way it goes when you party just like I do. B****es on my d*** that used to brush me off in high school
But I understand, cuz I was a little weird back then and now you like me because you see how awesome I am. Also, I’m sorry I called you a bitch.
Take over the world when I’m on my Donald Trump s***
Look at all this money, ain’t that some s***?
Money is nice. I work for the money…but mostly I just want true love because that’s all that really matters.
We gonna take over the World while these haters gettin’ mad
That’s why all my b*****s bad, they see this crazy life I have and they in awe
We gon’ win, you can take the lose or draw
We’re awesome. So are you. You can hang out with us if you want, because this isn’t exclusive and I’m not a jerk. Be my friend!

Because really, Mac Miller is too freakin’ adorable to be rude! 

Ey b****, do you really really really wanna go hard?
Go in the crib, steal your stepfather’s credit card
And take the car do circles in the parking lot 
Scream at the top of our lungs like
La la la la la la la la la la la la
I just wanna have a nice time with mah gurls, and I’m really sorry I stole your credit card but YOU AIN’T MY DADDY! But really…sorry. And also, I’m in jail, so could you pick me up? Apparently we’re not supposed to do circles in parking lots…oh yeah, your car’s all banged up…sorryyyyyy!

So I ball so hard m*******s wanna find me
first n****s gotta find me
What’s 50 grand to a m******* like me
Can you please remind me?
Ball so hard, this s*** crazy
Y’all don’t know that s*** don’t phase me
Guys, seriously, I don’t know what just happened but I had a very explicit lapse of consciousness and I sincerely apologize for using the N word… Also, I’d like to donate 50 grand to poor people because it does matter!
And I’m really sensitive to stuff, so actually that s*** does phase me. I just gotta act tough.

Cappy OUT. (Please picture me throwing my mic to the ground.)


Polite Raps

I just wanna respect you, girl. You're lovely.

I just wanna respect you, girl. You’re lovely.

If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son. But seriously if you ever need me I’m always here, and I truly care about you as a friend. You deserve a wonderful woman.

So what you wanna do? Shit, I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too. We’d like to practice safe sex because the transmission of STIs in this country is a huge problem. Also, we respect you as women and would like to make sure that we don’t get you pregnant. You’re beautiful.

I’m gonna knock you out, Mama said knock you out! But then I’ll revive you with smelling salts and give you a steak for your black eye, because we’re just in a boxing gym and that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. Also, my Mom didn’t say to “knock you out,” she said you’re a knockout because you’re so handsome. So just know that. You’re very handsome.

You know it’s hard out here for a pimp, when he’s tryin’ to get this money for the rent. But what’s harder is making sure that I keep my prostitutes STI-free and safe from harm. Also, I’m trying to make money so that I can get out of this lifestyle and save a few prostitutes while I’m at it.

Right now I’m on the edge, so don’t push me. I aim straight for your head, so don’t push me. Fill your ass up with lead, so don’t push me. Just kidding. Let’s resolve this dispute like grown men. I’m pretty upset with you right now, so we need to have a serious discussion about how you’re disrespecting me. Maybe we should go to a psychologist together. I hear group counseling can be very beneficial.

The cops can’t stand me, but they can’t touch me. Except if they have just cause, in which case I will cooperate and respect their authority. I’m so glad we have such an amazing justice system in this country, and I know that they’re just doing their jobs when they apprehend me for doing bad things. Go cops! You rule!


Girl Crush

I have a girl crush on a few people. Okay, the list is a little longer than I care to admit, but whatever. It’s 2011, I’m allowed to platonically fall in love with a few celebrities. I have lots of middle-aged-man crushes too. I’ll blog about those sometime. I have so much love, I can’t only spend it on boys my age…

1. Jwoww – I’m sorry, but I’m kinda in love. Seriously? The chick’s hot (and 90% plastic, I know I sound like a 16 year old male). She just seems like she’d be fun. And I’m a little afraid of her, which is…cool…
“I came home because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. And I felt like eatin’ ham and drinkin’ water. Ham.” – Jwoww.

2. Anne Hathaway – Girl’s got sass. Seriously. I think her role in the Devil Wears Prada changed my life (or at least my hairstyle)…people say I remind them of her, which kinda makes no sense because we look absolutely nothing alike. Really. But I’ll take it anyway cuz I love her.

3. Portia de Rossi – Meow. She’s beautiful. I guess that’s all I had to say, really, except that Ellen is a very lucky lady.

4. Speaking of Ellen – Gaaah! Love. She’s hilarious, talented, fun, hilarious, super cute, hilarious…did I mention hilarious? I want to be her. Or at least be next to her sometime.
“Hope y’all like my new profile pic. The photographer caught me just as I was walking in.” – Ellen DeGeneres on Facebook.

5. Emma Stone – It’s really just because of Easy A. I’m in love with her in that movie. She’s so…sassy. Apparently I like when people are sassy…
“Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.” –  Olive, “Easy A”

6. Kat Von D – She’s talented, she’s chill, she has the most amazing makeup line I’ve ever come across (and I’m including MAC in that, which is hard to belive), and she’s a cutie.

7. And last, but certainly not least, Meryl Streep –  The woman can do everything. Mama Mia, Julie and Julia, Doubt, Out of Africa…and she’s absolutely gorgeous. I want to be Meryl Streep. So badly.
“So I said to myself, go ahead, take a chance, hire the smart, fat girl.” – Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada.

Yeah, I’m With the Band

Mama, when I grow up, I’m gonna be in a band. Here are the names I’m considering:

He actually is a linguist.

The Gnome Chompskys
Our first album will be called “We Are Cunning Linguists” in order to pay homage to good ole Noam. And while we’re at it, we’ll throw some references about phonology and socialism into a love song or two. Cuz Noam just makes us want to sing about love. And old Jewish men. And moles.

Soggy Cereal
Picture this: all girl punk band. Hot, right? And if our first album was called “Praise the Lord, My Cereal’s Cold,” you’d buy it…right?

A Wave Past Dawn
Think Stevie Nicks 30 years ago, complete with scarves, a tambourine, that slightly hazy look, and some damn cool hair. That’s me. It’s all about the vibes, all about the music. The members of the band only matter so far as the music that they make. That’s why my bandmates will be three cats and a pogo stick. And that, my friends, will also be the name of our first album.

Maya Rudolph Ate My Cake
A comedy band comprised of SNL lookalikes. I’ll be going for Andy Samberg’s look, but if I miss and hit Nasim Pedrad, I think I’ll survive. First album? “Just Wait Till I Pull Myself Out of This Garbage Can.”

You Killed My Ladybug
Screamo. I mean really, with a name like that, you must’ve known that I was an angry girl. Album: “Now You Must Pay; I Accept Cash, Check, and Most Major Credit Cards.”

And finally, Steezii Jeez
I was destined to make it big as a rapper. I’ve got the look (blonde), the attitude (slightly passive but loud), and the clothes (jeans that are too loose cuz I wore them 3 days in a row). Get ready for “Uptown Girl, Part One: I’ll Shank You.”