Polite Raps

I just wanna respect you, girl. You're lovely.

I just wanna respect you, girl. You’re lovely.

If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son. But seriously if you ever need me I’m always here, and I truly care about you as a friend. You deserve a wonderful woman.

So what you wanna do? Shit, I got a pocket full of rubbers and my homeboys do too. We’d like to practice safe sex because the transmission of STIs in this country is a huge problem. Also, we respect you as women and would like to make sure that we don’t get you pregnant. You’re beautiful.

I’m gonna knock you out, Mama said knock you out! But then I’ll revive you with smelling salts and give you a steak for your black eye, because we’re just in a boxing gym and that’s what we’re supposed to do. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. Also, my Mom didn’t say to “knock you out,” she said you’re a knockout because you’re so handsome. So just know that. You’re very handsome.

You know it’s hard out here for a pimp, when he’s tryin’ to get this money for the rent. But what’s harder is making sure that I keep my prostitutes STI-free and safe from harm. Also, I’m trying to make money so that I can get out of this lifestyle and save a few prostitutes while I’m at it.

Right now I’m on the edge, so don’t push me. I aim straight for your head, so don’t push me. Fill your ass up with lead, so don’t push me. Just kidding. Let’s resolve this dispute like grown men. I’m pretty upset with you right now, so we need to have a serious discussion about how you’re disrespecting me. Maybe we should go to a psychologist together. I hear group counseling can be very beneficial.

The cops can’t stand me, but they can’t touch me. Except if they have just cause, in which case I will cooperate and respect their authority. I’m so glad we have such an amazing justice system in this country, and I know that they’re just doing their jobs when they apprehend me for doing bad things. Go cops! You rule!