The Bachelor Taught Me…


The Bachelor is all about real love, and it is teaching me so much! Like:

1. The definition of a “fairytale” is competing with 24 other girls and being as catty as possible while at the same time pretending to be normal in the company of the man you’re trying to woo.

2. It’s totally normal to compete with said 24 girls because love is a battlefield.

3. When you feel upset, you should throw yourself down the stairs.

4. Daddy issues are always appreciated.

5. When the guy you like takes off his shirt, it is completely appropriate to cat call at him. On that note, the minute he walks into the room you should wolf whistle.

6. When you see a guy you like on a date with another girl, it is completely appropriate to interrupt and ask if you can “cut in.” They will not object, but probably will bitch about it behind your back.

7. The more vapid you are, the farther you’ll go…as long as you have a tattoo with a lot of meaning.

8. Even when he’s got 20 other women he’s kissing, you’re special. You’re so special.

9. Women should fight each other for a man.

10. Men should feel great when women fight each other for them.

11. You can be a terrible kisser as long as you’re The Bachelor.

Basically, this show is a lot like my life in television form. Be jealous.

 

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The Bachelor: Everything That’s Wrong With America


I watched the Bachelor for the first time tonight with my sorority sisters. At first, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to last 10 minutes, much less 2 hours. He kept standing in front of cliffs and looking sultry, and wandering along the beach alone while talking about how he wanted kids, blah blah, blah…I will admit, he’s not bad to look at. Meow.

After an hour, I was cheering for people. Honestly (loudly) cheering for girls to get roses from some idiot with gelled hair. It was a low point in my life, guys. I think I need to cleanse myself, and to do that, I have to list all the reasons why The Bachelor is everything that’s wrong with this country.

1. It turned me into a bitch. Seriously, I was judging people harder than I have ever judged before. I was judging their faces, hair (there were a few hair mistakes goin’ on, for sure, but my hair looks like crap right now so I should probably shut up), teeth, clothing choices…I guess we do that every day, and especially when we date, but, er…it got a little out of control. At one point we decided that a girl looked like Shirley Temple and Brandy had a lovechild (it was a very accurate description, actually, but still).

2. Love doesn’t work that way. Enough said.

3. They get all worked up over things that don’t even matter. They don’t know him, yet they fight over him like animals. They act like their worst selves in order to “fall in love.” Honestly, I’ll bet most of those girls are really nice and normal, and then they enter this competition and turn into me in middle school (which is not something anyone needs to experience). I don’t understand what they think they’re getting themselves into, because they end up fighting amongst themselves because they want to be the only one having a relationship with this man. But the entire (ridiculous) concept of the show is that there are TWENTY of them, all courting one idiot wearing a skinny tie. Honestly, it all seems too stressful to be worth it.

4. Love doesn’t work that way. I guess I need to say it again, because some of you didn’t believe me. Love is not something you sign up and enter a contest for. Love is not something that unfolds in front of half of America on television. Love is not something that you compete with 19 other women for. Love isn’t as false as all that, believe it or not. And shows like this deceive us into thinking that it is.

5. It really showcases how far we will go for something stupid. We’re really materialistic in this country, if you haven’t noticed, and The Bachelor kind of makes us strive to possess people as if they were a commodity. Which they are not.

6. Love. Doesn’t. Work. That. Way. Now that I’ve listed all the things that love isn’t, let me tell you what love is. Love is raw, spontaneous, and wonderful. And I think beyond that, it cannot be described. But love is not something that you can win. Love is something that happens to you. You don’t run after love, love catches up to you. Maybe. I guess I wouldn’t really know. But I like to think I’m smart enough to be able to guess.

I’ll probably end up watching the next episode, so you can look forward to my brain falling out of my ears by next Tuesday.

Trash the TV


Let’s talk about trashy TV and possible theories of why we like it:

1. We secretly want to be trashy and need an outlet to appreciate trashy people.

2. We (not so secretly) hate trashy people and therefore watch shows about them in order to feel better about ourselves.

3. In some sick way they turn us on. This seems a little too Freudian for my taste.

4. We are self destructive and want to punish ourselves by forcing ourselves to bleed out of our eyes.

5. There’s nothing else on TV.

6. They are ridiculously quotable. I refer you to:
“I felt like eating ham and drinking water. Ham.” – J-Woww, Jersey Shore
Every other word uttered on Jersey Shore
“Get me OUTTA HERE!” – Danielle, Real Housewives of New Jersey
The entire “Money Can’t Buy You Class” by Countess Luann (RH of NY). Have I mentioned that she looks about 500 years younger in the music video for that song?

Segue!

Dear Countess Luann,
Are you crazy? Yes, you’re pretty classy, but you’re also a countess. You’re rich.
Money doesn’t buy you class: this is true. But everything you stand for involves having a lot of money. While you sing “money can’t buy you class” in a million dollar gown, do you really think you’d have class without it? 
Sincerely,
Upset in the US

Segue!

We should dislike reality TV. We should dislike all trashy TV (I refer to Californication – I love you, David Duchovny, and I will happily have your children, but that show is a badly disguised porno). We should go all Strokes on their booties, saying, “Good try, we don’t like it. Good try, we won’t take that shit.” But as they said, “I can’t win.” And we can’t. It’s like watching commercials without thinking. They’re just there.