Diary Sessions: Part 1


When I was last visiting my parents in April, I brought all my old diaries back with me and realized...they're kinda amazing. I was in such torment over everything. Now, I don't want to invalidate the feelings I had as a kid, because I went to a small school full of awful little children being awful to each other... Continue Reading →

Can We Discuss Disney Princesses Though


I was on the phone with my dad yesterday crying (surprise) over my lack of romantic luck recently. He gave me some really wonderful advice, the most hilarious of which came when he said, "The worst thing Disney ever did for society was write those stupid happy endings." Or something to that effect -- I tend... Continue Reading →


Dear Friends, Well, 2013 sure did fly by -- like me, on my private jet, flying off to Morocco. I have, once again, had an amazing year that was probably much more exciting than yours. As you probably read in the tabloids, my new lover Mickey and I were swept up in a whirlwind romance... Continue Reading →

One of Your Closest Pets May Be Gay


My dad and I just spent a good 30 minutes laughing at horoscopes. We have come to the conclusion that (shocker) they are total crap. AIRES: If you hesitate, you may be put in the driver's seat. Impressively confusing and nonsensical. Also, why is driving a car the punishment for hesitation? Surely if your reflexes aren't... Continue Reading →

Happy Holidays! I’m Better Than You


Dear Friends, It's that season once more! The season of giving (to me) and snowmen and hot cocoa, which means its time to read my annual Holiday Letter of Self-Obsession. As you all know, my Pulitzer Prize winning novel "This is Why I'm Hot" came out last year to rave reviews, so I'm pretty loaded... Continue Reading →

Rocket Science


I've had to take a few yoga breaths and channel my inner buddha in order to do this, but I'm ready now.. Lots of my friends read this blog. In fact, I'm pretty sure about 50% of all my readers are people I know personally (and one of them is my father...hi Dad), so this post is... Continue Reading →

Aphorisms for the Wise (Part 2)


Love is an angry goat. Many hands makes light work. They also make a lot of those turkey pictures. A bird in the hand is worth two of George Bush. Wake up and smell the coffee. But don't drink it. That's not what it's for. Stop and smell the roses. But be careful of thorns and... Continue Reading →

How to Stay Thin


1. While cleaning, play music. Some people prefer funk, some like classical (though how you're supposed to dance enough to burn calories I don't know), and some like hip hop. I, however, am partial to blasting Nirvana/Smashing Pumpkins/The Strokes and jumping around singing until I can barely walk. That, my friends, is exercise.  2. Eat... Continue Reading →

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