Greetings


This is very obviously me, post-plastic surgery, with my hunky boyfriend. Obviously.

This is very obviously me, post-plastic surgery, with my hunky boyfriend. Obviously.

Dear Friends,

It’s Christmas time again, and with each passing day comes mounting anticipation for my latest novel, “Kristen Wiig Ate My Cake,” which comes out December 25. After the wild success of my autobiography (entitled “Saving Orphaned Ladybugs, and Other Things I Did In College”), my publishers wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I was forced to continue writing. Ohh, the days dragged on as I wrote, sometimes for an hour each day, revising at least twice before sending it off to print. Yes, it’s been a long two weeks of writing, but my publishers expect at least 2 million in revenue, so that should satisfy some of my newly acquired expensive tastes.

But I digress. This spring, I was fortunate enough to spend a month in the Bahamas with my male-model boyfriend Charlie, where we spent our days on the beach and our nights at the clubs with all the other really sexy people. We had a great time, but we were happy to finally come home to our posh London pad for a little relaxation before my next book tour. I spent the rest of the spring touring France, Italy, and the US and giving inspirational speeches to homeless people at charity banquets. Needless to say, they wished they were me.

I’ve learned so much from the homeless this year. I’ve learned that you ought to bathe at least once a day, unless you want to smell like rotten garbage. I’ve also learned that going days without bathing can cause massive breakouts, a serious problem among homeless English people especially (and a problem which I helped treat for hours on end at dermatology clinics – for a small fee, of course). Most importantly, I’ve learned that I’m incredibly fortunate to be so smart, beautiful, and successful; if I wasn’t, nobody would like me and I’d likely kill myself. There is so much to learn from those around us.

I’ve also had a lovely time celebrating the recent success of my sister, whose dance single (“Let’s Grove Wit It”) dropped this summer to wild success among America’s Tea Party members. Her husband/record producer Sergio de la Blanca has also produced music by Mini Mama, Dolce Bam Bam, and Joo Yoo Wanna.

Charlie has been modeling like crazy this year! I’m so proud of him; he recently guest judged on America’s Next Top Model after Fabio sprained his toe during an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” photo shoot. He has really brought out my spiritual side and taught me the wonders of yoga, which is just one more reason we look so great together in our Christmas photo (enclosed).

As I said before, this fall I devoted much of my time to my passion: writing about myself. I suffered from a severe depression after my autobiography grossed only 3 million, but after a few therapy sessions and another vacation with Charlie, I came to my senses and began writing again. I look forward to another great year in 2011. Even if it’s terrible, it’ll be better than yours.

We wish we could be with each of you this holiday season so everyone would know how much better looking we are than you.

Hope you all have a lovely holiday season, and don’t forget to look for “Kristen Wiig Ate My Cake” in stores Christmas day worldwide.

xoxox

Cappy

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Society Told Me Not To


Society: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Me: Shove it!

Society has told me (yep, it speaks) that I shouldn’t do these things in public:

1. Don’t dance down the skywalk.
People can see you. It is weird to drive down the street, look up for a moment, and see someone gettin’ jiggy with it in a suspended hallway. Also, people who are walking through the skywalk while you are dancing in it will be scared and/or confused. They will not join in with you, because life is not High School Musical and people don’t all dance in sync at random moments. No matter how much you wish you could, you should not dance in the skywalk.
Know what I say to that? HAHAHA, because I do it anyway. Yeah, I’m that girl flailing around in the skywalk.

2. Don’t sing in the rain. Or anywhere else where people are watching, for that matter.
Yeah, Gene Kelly did it, but that doesn’t mean you should. Technically he wasn’t in public, because it was a fictional movie. Singing in public, no matter how overjoyed you are, is annoying and will make people want to hit you with rotten fruit (though why anyone would carry rotten fruit around with them, nobody knows).
Know what I say to that? I don’t believe in fiction. Everything is real. Also, I don’t care, I will sing if I like. I will burst into song in the middle of lunch. (I will swallow my food before I burst into song in the middle of lunch.) I will burst into song when I’m walking down the street and the air smells good and I bloody well feel like singing.

3. Don’t laugh so much.
It makes your face go all red and spreads your nose across it. That is not attractive. Also, too much laughing can give the impression that you’re stupid.
Know what I say to that? Hahahahahahhahahahahha!

4. Don’t do creepy things to people, no matter how hilarious you might think it’d be.
Don’t wink or wiggle your eyebrows suggestively at people who are only slightly your friends (even if you are obviously joking, because people are stupid and won’t understand that you’re joking). Honestly, you just shouldn’t joke when around with people because your sense of humor is easily misinterpereted as insanity and someone will chuck you into the loony bin.
Know what I say to that? Nothing, but I do give it a suggestive eyebrow wiggle and a pat on the bottom.

Aphorisms for the Wise (Part 2)


Love is an angry goat.

Many hands makes light work. They also make a lot of those turkey pictures.

A bird in the hand is worth two of George Bush.

Wake up and smell the coffee. But don’t drink it. That’s not what it’s for.

Stop and smell the roses. But be careful of thorns and bees and…just don’t sniff to hard.

A picture’s worth a thousand words. Because it’s faster to just take a photo than listen to an old person drone on and on and on…

Respect your elders. Except when you blog.

Melancholy men are of all the others most witty. Except when they’re crying in their soup. Then they’re just soupy.

Word is a shadow of a deed. Does that make PowerPoint a vapor of a contract?

A war is not won unless the defeated enemy has been turned into a friend. Pshhhh good luck with that.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a Big Mouth Billy Bass and he’ll regift it to you next Christmas.

Time must needs call the tune and man must follow it. Kind of like the Pied Piper…but sad.

He that dies pays all debts. Except, HA, he doesn’t.

How to Make Friends


1. Compliment someone you think seems nice. Say, “Hey there. You look awesome today. I wish I looked the way you looked every day. I wish I could be you. I wish I could be your best friend. Can I be your best friend?”
That method has always worked for me…

2. You don’t want to seem too perfect, so make sure you do one thing wrong. Pick your nose in public. Make sure lots of people are watching. They’ll appreciate that you aren’t too cool for them and will totally want to be friends.

3. Be super loud. Nobody likes a quiet friend. Just shriek a lot.

4. Use pick up lines on people – you’re still trying to pick them up, just not romantically. Try a Harry Potter one: “I know we’re not in Professor Flitwick’s class, but you’re still charming.”
Don’t worry, it totally won’t creep them out.

5. You can avoid all this unnecessary dawdling by hitching up your trousers, sticking a grin on your face, and marching on over to your prospective friend. When you have reached them, present your hand for a hearty handshake. Make sure you say “Hiya!” Suspenders would be a nice touch.

How to Stay Thin


You're gonna want to focus on the "thin" part, not the "big."

1. While cleaning, play music.
Some people prefer funk, some like classical (though how you’re supposed to dance enough to burn calories I don’t know), and some like hip hop. I, however, am partial to blasting Nirvana/Smashing Pumpkins/The Strokes and jumping around singing until I can barely walk. That, my friends, is exercise. 

2. Eat only blue foods.
Let me give you a hint: there are about two naturally occurring, edible blue foods on the planet – blueberries and…something else. 

3. Find the planet’s second blue food.
Take a hike across some tropical island in search of this mysterious food. You’ll burn calories quickly, plus you’ll have that mystery food to look forward to. Just make sure it isn’t poisonous. And if it turns out to be, induce vomiting immediately…that should help you lose a pound or two. 

4. Look in the mirror and trash talk your love handles.
“You worthless pieces of flab! I don’t need you! You are WORTHLESS! WORTHLESS! I bet you think you can just cling onto me for support forever. Well think again, flabbies!”
They’ll be so depressed that they’ll immediately detach themselves from your body and hide under a rock. 

4. Fidget.
A lot. Tap your toes, fingers, feet, whatever. Do it constantly, and you’ll eventually lose like…one pound. Congrats! You are officially an idiot for listening to me. And now you look like a crack addict. 

This is your ideal body type, right?

5. Get yourself addicted to crack.
Crack whores = sexy. And if you live anywhere on this planet, you’ve seen one. They have skinny arms and skinny legs and skinny everything. They probably even have skinny hair. Ever heard of Skinny Cow ice cream products? Yeah, that cow’s on crack. And Skinny Girl Margaritas? Maybe you should get yourself some of those too…
Please, go find yourself a cocaine dealer and get smokin, cuz you could really stand to lose a few…
Go on. You know you want to.

How to Act Really Cool


Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves.

 Keyword here is act.

Step 1: Wear sunglasses everywhere.
At the beach, on the street, in the club, in bed, in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, here or there, everywhere.
If you don’t have any sunglasses handy, just let your hair hang over your eyes. If people can’t see your eyes, they feel like they can’t see into your soul and that freaks them out and gets them wondering all at once.

Step 2: Have a dark and mysterious past.
You should have no family to speak of, wear only converse (if you’re a guy) or fishnets and heels (if you’re a girl…or a guy, if that floats your boat), eat only Greek food, smell like cloves, drink between classes, and seem kinda freaky. But not too freaky, just…good freaky.
Soon, everyone will wonder who this fishnet-wearing, Greek food-eating, clove-smelling, drinking freaky loner is. Next question: can he/she party? 

Step 3: Give the impression that you have a lot of friends.
You can do this by waving (cooly) or doing the “sup” nod at random strangers and/or having a posse/entourage follow you around (but they can’t stand too close, that’s soooo uncool).
In order to have a mysterious past, you must disregard this step and proceed directly to Step 4. 

Step 4: See How to be a Hipster 

Step 5: Be in a Band.
Duh. Groupies.
Plus, then you get to wear all that leather and whatnot that other rock stars wore to look cool in the 80s. Get a crazy hair cut, dance like Mick Jagger, and do a lot of drugs. Its scary. People like to be scared. Why else would the Twilight movies, best known for their scary acting, be so popular?
If you are attempting to comply with Step 4, black leather jackets should be avoided at all costs, and rock music should be played quietly and broodingly. 

Step 6: Talk “poetic” nonsense.
“I dreamed I saw two acrobats dancing on a shooting star in the middle of the day. They stopped and said hello, then drifted to the Milky Way. Then I realized…it was me and you. So I chased them on a flying tiger into the great unknown. I went to the abyss for you. I love you. I do.”

How to be a Complete FOOL.


Step 1: Pull over to take photos of sunsets.
I’m OK with the occasional nature lover (I am one myself) pulling over to the side of the road to take photos of sunsets, wheat fields, small bushes, owl scat, etc. But please. Don’t PARK YOUR HUGE TRUCK (which you probably don’t even use to actually haul things, you jerk) IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD (or country highway, I suppose I should say) AND GET IN MY WAY. Especially when there is a driveway centimeters from where you pulled over. PULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY! I am a patient driver. Except when you do that. And especially not when you wave me around your car. Um, DUH, I’m not going to wait for you to get your butt back in your car to go around you, you infuriating man.

Step 2: Take a million photos of you and your boyfriend kissing or cuddling.
Chances are, people think you’re a really obnoxious couple anyway because you think cuddling in public is really cute. It’s not. Nobody wants to see your tongue anywhere near your boyfriend’s tongue. EVER.

Step 3: Be terrible at spelling.
By fourth grade at the latest, you should be able to distinguish the difference between they’re, there, and their, along with your and you’re. Also, it’s a lot, not alot. Very has one R. I before E except after C.
I mean, does anybody READ? If you’ve seen things spelled properly for years, why do you continue to spell like a five year old?

Step 4: Have obnoxious facial hair.
This is not to say “don’t have facial hair that sings the song that gets on everybody’s nerves or screams obscenities during romantic films.” Please don’t be dense.
I’m talking weird little bits of hair that give the impression that some small rodent died on your chin. If you take that much time grooming something that’s one square centimeter, you have time to get a life.

How to Take Over the World


Step 1: Develop a really good maniacal laugh.
After every slightly ominous thing you say, laugh for at least 10 seconds. I’m not talkin’ a merry chuckle, here. I’m talkin’ creepy, deep, terrifying laughter.

Step 2: Be British.
It’s so much easier to sound official if you’re British. Provided you don’t have an unfortunate lisp or a cockney accent. Or sound like a pre-pubescent British male. So sad.

Step 3: Look awesome in a suit/business skirt thingamadendum.
Cuz if you can’t work the power-wear, you just can’t rule the planet.

Step 4: Be really frightening.
Who lets nice people dominate them?

Step 5: Have henchmen.
You have to have at least one creepy, hunchbacked man standing behind you cracking his knuckles each time you say something frightening. If you have more than one, make sure one is a woman. They tend to have great cackles. Besides, when you take over, you’re forcing gender equality, right?

Step 6: Have  a bionacle arm.
It just adds to the overall effect. And it’d be bloody cool. Your arm would be invincible. If you’re feeling good about the arm, you could upgrade to a bionacle body…

Perfection


I like to think this is him.

Right, I am not so diluted that I think I can actually obtain a man this perfectly WONDERFUL, but one can dream.

If anyone out there is this person, knows this person, is the father/sibling/cousin/great auntie of this person…let me know.

George (that will be his name) should:

Be Tall – I would rather not feel like I am towering over him at every moment or like I’ll crush him or something equally weird.

Be funny – I don’t want to tell a joke and have him think it isn’t funny. I WILL BE CONSIDERED FUNNY AT EVERY TURN.

Be half British-half Indian – That tends to make for a nice combo. Good accent, nice tan, usually a pretty nice nose. I can deal with that (see photo for reference).

Match my outfits – If I’m wearing a pretty dress, I don’t want my date/husband/man-servant to clash with me! That would be so embarassing.

Be able to reproduce any accent i desire at the moment – What is the point of having a manservant-uh, I mean boyfriend- who can’t speak to me in nice accents whenever I want? He’s British already, but what if I want Australian? Actually, I will never want Australian. But Southern might be nice sometimes. Or Spanish? Or Italian. Yeah, Italian might be nice. 

Have the wonderful ability to write poetry while simultaneously working out – I’m talking Fabio type action. Although, now that I think of it, Fabio was in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercials…

Or, you know, he could just be an alien. How’s that for foreign?

How to Cry Attractively


OK, let’s face it. It pretty much can’t be done. But these simple steps will help you cry less unattractively. So here goes.

Step 1: Avoid the “baby-about-to-spit-out-its-food” look.
You know the one. Your mouth gets all scrunched up and your eyes go all goggly. Add some serious tears into the equation and you have it: the most unattractive face you could possibly make. And really, really sad people make that face a lot. Don’t do it. So while crying, relax the facial muscles. Relaaaaax. Take a yoga breath. With any luck, this will stop the crying altogether. If not, you’re totally hopeless.

Step 2: Don’t make scary noises. Please.
Nobody likes a girl (or worse, guy) who sniffles loudly, wheezes, or gasps while they blub uncontrollably. So keep it down, please. Again. Yoga breath.

Step 3: Try not to let the tears drip down your face.
If you’re a girl, you’ll have that creepy mascara-induced clown/raccoon thing goin’ on. If you’re a guy, you’ll get puffy cheeks. Just don’t do it.

Step 4: Don’t bloody cry.
At least not in public.