Greetings


Dear Friends, It’s Christmas time again, and with each passing day comes mounting anticipation for my latest novel, “Kristen Wiig Ate My Cake,” which comes out December 25. After the wild success of my autobiography (entitled “Saving Orphaned Ladybugs, and Other Things I Did In College”), my publishers wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I was... Continue Reading →

Society Told Me Not To


Society: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Me: Shove it! Society has told me (yep, it speaks) that I shouldn't do these things in public: 1. Don't dance down the skywalk. People can see you. It is weird to drive down the street, look up for a moment, and see someone gettin' jiggy with it... Continue Reading →

Aphorisms for the Wise (Part 2)


Love is an angry goat. Many hands makes light work. They also make a lot of those turkey pictures. A bird in the hand is worth two of George Bush. Wake up and smell the coffee. But don't drink it. That's not what it's for. Stop and smell the roses. But be careful of thorns and... Continue Reading →

How to Make Friends


1. Compliment someone you think seems nice. Say, "Hey there. You look awesome today. I wish I looked the way you looked every day. I wish I could be you. I wish I could be your best friend. Can I be your best friend?" That method has always worked for me... 2. You don't want... Continue Reading →

How to Stay Thin


1. While cleaning, play music. Some people prefer funk, some like classical (though how you're supposed to dance enough to burn calories I don't know), and some like hip hop. I, however, am partial to blasting Nirvana/Smashing Pumpkins/The Strokes and jumping around singing until I can barely walk. That, my friends, is exercise.  2. Eat... Continue Reading →

How to Act Really Cool


 Keyword here is act. Step 1: Wear sunglasses everywhere. At the beach, on the street, in the club, in bed, in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, here or there, everywhere. If you don't have any sunglasses handy, just let your hair hang over your eyes. If people can't see your... Continue Reading →

How to be a Complete FOOL.


Step 1: Pull over to take photos of sunsets. I'm OK with the occasional nature lover (I am one myself) pulling over to the side of the road to take photos of sunsets, wheat fields, small bushes, owl scat, etc. But please. Don't PARK YOUR HUGE TRUCK (which you probably don't even use to actually haul... Continue Reading →

How to Take Over the World


Step 1: Develop a really good maniacal laugh. After every slightly ominous thing you say, laugh for at least 10 seconds. I'm not talkin' a merry chuckle, here. I'm talkin' creepy, deep, terrifying laughter. Step 2: Be British. It's so much easier to sound official if you're British. Provided you don't have an unfortunate lisp or... Continue Reading →

Perfection


Right, I am not so diluted that I think I can actually obtain a man this perfectly WONDERFUL, but one can dream. If anyone out there is this person, knows this person, is the father/sibling/cousin/great auntie of this person...let me know. George (that will be his name) should: Be Tall - I would rather not feel... Continue Reading →

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