How to be a Champ (Part 2)

Step 1: Enter the elevator of a medical building with your dog. Step 2: Let your dog poop on the carpeted floor of that elevator. Step 3: Make sure you let your dog do it right next to my mother's foot. Step 4: Don't apologize or warn my nice smelling, sweet mother that she's about to... Continue Reading →

How to be a Hipster

Step 1: Steal from the clearance rack.  Because the clothes at Forever 21 aren't cheap enough, especially when they're on clearance.  So keep smoking crack (or whatever it is that makes you act the way you do) and don't worry about buying your own stuff. Step 2: Wear winter clothes in 100 degree weather. Everyone... Continue Reading →

How to Pretend You’re a Soccer Enthusiast

In honor of the upcoming world cup final. Step 1: Call it football. Soccer isn't very popular in America, because we like to watch the other kind of football in which players don't actually use their feet. But true soccer fans call it football, or better yet, footie. Go ahead, get your best British accent... Continue Reading →

How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You (Part 4)

Step 10: Have extremely flat chested friends. In order to avoid the traumatizing "Your friend is hot, can I have her number?" scenario, make sure none of your friends actually are hot. They are allowed to be mildly attractive, but not as attractive as you, and definitely not sizzlin. Most twits define "hot" as "having huge chesty bits,"... Continue Reading →

How to Make Any Chick Fall in Love With You

Step 1: Ride a white horse. Being in any way reminiscent of Fabio will get you a girl in about three seconds flat. Look Italian, wear loose fitting, low cut silk shirts (provided you have a tan and work out), have steamy get the picture. Step 2: Use romantic clichés. You complete me. I can't live without... Continue Reading →

How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You (Part 3)

Step 7: Be subtle. Say slightly flirtatious things like, "Hey boy. Let's get it on," and "Take me now!" Twits love it when they can't tell if you're interested or not; it makes the night more exciting. Don't forget that twits are basically just big, stupid, bald cheetahs: they like a chase. Step 8: Go naked. Why hide what you... Continue Reading →

How to Be a Champ

Step One: Say Excuse Me. After you burp: "Excuse me." After (or before) you make an offensive comment: "Excuse me." After pushing someone out of your way: "Excuse me." After accidentally shoving the elderly to the ground: "Mah baad." After punching someone in the neck (on accident of course, you were just stretching): "Pardon." Make... Continue Reading →

How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love With You

Step One: Always be armed. Boys (hereafter referred to as twits) can be perfectly delightful. But sometimes before their strange, lusty feelings can turn into love, they must be tamed. So if he tries anything stupid, whip out the mace and spray. He'll learn soon enough that looksies, no feelsies, is an important rule on a first... Continue Reading →

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