Dead Bodies on a Plane

So, I’ve written a lot of posts lately about my experiences on planes, traveling, etc. Usually, the more a blogger writes about something, the more hilariously specific spam posts and google searches they receive. (For those of you who don’t know, there is a feature on WordPress that allows bloggers to find out what Google searches lead people to their blog. Mine is most often “cats.”)

Anyway, I’ve gotten some ridiculous ones lately. Behold:

The bodies were not discovered by the police until five hours after the plane took off. 
That is probably the most hilarious sentence I have ever, ever, ever seen as a comment on my blog. Ever. I laughed, I cried, I laughed so hard I cried…and then I wondered if that had really happened. If, maybe, several dead people had somehow gotten onto a plane, gotten themselves buckled in, asked the flight attendant for a complimentary warm towel, and then just sat there and waited patiently for the police to discover them.
Of course, I do not subscribe to the notion that the bodies were alive when they boarded the plane. No, no. They must’ve been dead the whole time. But they weren’t zombies…
This is the way my brain works, kids. It makes up weird scenarios that seem more like they should’ve been in a short story I read in middle school.

And then I realized it’s been a long time since I’ve told y’all about the wonderful things people Google to get here:

how to make a bitch fall in love with you – Well, first you stop calling her a bitch, and then you buy her cupcakes.

make him yearn for you – YES. Make him yearn for you by being saucy and full of oomph and zizz and yowza.

inside a black hole – If you’ve ever been there, you must let me know what it’s like. Because that is the way I want to die…getting stretched to oblivion by a black hole.

why isn’t barney on tv anymore? – I don’t really know, my friend. It’s a tragedy and also possibly a travesty, and I personally cry every night wishing that Barney was still in my life.

tiny timmy tokyo – SMALL JAPANESE CHILD YES! Also, this phrase is from a video on youtube from people who do “bad lip readings” of pop songs. This particular gem is from Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA. Enjoy.



коты, kočka, kaķis, חתול, and кот

Here are some recent Google searches that brought people to my blog:

коты, kočka, kaķis, חתול, and кот – Those were all separate searches, which is disconcerting since I don’t know what any of those words mean and therefore don’t understand how Google directed them here. But uhhh…mazel tov?

we love each other like we love food – That’s a lot of love. Because if you’re anything like me, you love food A LOT. Sometimes I think maybe I don’t have enough love left over to love anyone, since I love food so much. It fills up my love quota every day.

i really like you – Oh, thank you! I really like you too, even though I don’t know you at all. But I probably like you. Unless you’re a creep, in which case you should leave me alone, please.

etequate of life – Part of the etiquette of life is proper spelling. So you failed. Sorry.

dancing like your having sex – I’m sorry, but first of all, you used the wrong you’re. It’s dancing like YOU’RE having sex. Second, I think I specifically told you not to do that. It’s icky. What would Jesus say? You know, if he weren’t dead and everything.

my wife beats me – This has happened before. I’m seriously worried about the well-being of my readers. Seek help, sir, as domestic abuse is a serious issue!

how to dress like a stud muffin for Halloween – I don’t think I can help you there. Maybe just go naked?

what are people who hang around bikers who don’t have bikes – Not bikers. They’re called not bikers. And they’re also losers because biking is awesome and they should join in on the rollicking fun times. Unless you mean bikers as in motorcyclists, in which case whatever cuz I don’t like motorcycles.

hello my name is gabby – Hi Gabby. I’m Cappy. How are you? Oh, and also, why would you introduce yourself to Google?

julian casablancas cool? – That is NOT a question. He is. He IS. Mmm.

cat – I love cats. I LOVE CATS!

things you could say to creep the love of your life out – Basically, just quote any sentence from this blog. You’re welcome.

i’m so smooth with the girls – Oh, are you now, Tarim? I’m assuming you’re called that or some other Middle Eastern name, but I really don’t know, and now I feel like maybe I’m being racist. OH NO! I’m sorry :(

writers block pregnancy – At the rate I’m going, I will never be pregnant, so I can’t help you there.

kiss without touching – Ehhh, I don’t think you can do that. Unless it’s like, this crazy existential touching and you’re a zen buddhist or something, in which case GOOD ON YOU, cuz that’s pretty awesome. Congratulations.

what kind of school do you need for rocket scientist – A whole bunch. If you need to ask, you’re probably not cut out for it. Also, it’s “schooling,” not “school.” Man, I sound uptight today. Grammar Nazi alert.

i like a girl who isn’t lesbian but im also a girl – I’m sorry. That’s probably super hard. You should’ve sent this in to my agony aunt post or something! Way to pay attention, jeeeez. You should probably move on, cuz I don’t know if this chick’s gonna be into you if she’s straight.

who writes the borovkoff blog? – That is a question I do not have the answer to. I’m sorry. But probably a Russian man…