I’m Not FOR Men

I’d like to clear a few things up.

As a bisexual woman, I encounter a lot of nonsense on a daily basis. I hear these bizarre — and offensive — comments on a pretty regular basis, mostly from men but sometimes from women. But let’s be real…I mostly hear this shit from men.

“Oh, you like chicks AND dudes? That’s hot.”

No. I am not for you. When you hear that I’m not exclusively interested in men, you still think that my sexuality is something for you to enjoy? You hear that I like kissing girls and you think I’m doing that for you? You poor, poor moron. This is all for me.

“Oh, so you must sleep around a lot.”
I have the same sex drive as anyone else. I just am driven toward both men and women. But thank you for basically calling me a slut?

“Oh, so you just can’t decide whether you’re straight or gay.”
Yes. Obviously I am experimenting. Testing out both ponds in order to decide which one I’d like to swim in forever.
NO! Sexuality is a spectrum. A continuum. A lot of people are sexually attracted to both men and women. I’m not indecisive, this isn’t a phase, I’m not experimenting because it’s college and I like to drunk-kiss girls. This is a thing I have always felt, and it is who I am.

This shit gets really annoying. So I keep it to myself, mostly. I don’t feel the need to be explicit or particularly public about my sexuality, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to hide it in order to feel comfortable. It’s frustrating that people find it acceptable to not only have these ideas and thoughts, but to express them to my face, often while attempting to hit on me.

So be a good, sensitive, intelligent human. Educate yourself. Use good manners. And please, for the love of god, stop asking me if I’ll have a threesome with you and some random girl.


How Health Class Changed My Life

1. I learned that you can become water intoxicated.
That’s right children, you should drink more beer and less water….okay, that’s a lie. But really, if you drink too much water your body can’t handle it and you EXPLODE! Or something a little less violent.

2. Men find testicular lumps in exactly this way:
Zoom in on young male in locker room shower. We see the young man suddenly look down and exclaim:
YOUNG MAN: Oh! A lump!
Cut to young man’s home. He walks down the stairs, sees his father in a reclining chair, his pipe and newspaper in hand, and says to him:
YOUNG MAN: Hey Pa, I found a lump today. On my nut.
FATHER: You mean your testicle, son?
YOUNG MAN: Uh, yeah. Is it bad?
Cut to scene in doctor’s office. Doctor has just finished examining the young man and says:
DOCTOR: Well son, it seems we’ve caught it in time.

I’m glad the “lump-on-the-nut crisis” was averted so smoothly. Although I wish it were that simple, honestly. I always feel terrible when I hear about anyone getting any type of cancer.

3. Women take about 20 minutes to examine their breasts:
Complete silence. Girl gets out of shower, with towel wrapped around her waist, breasty bits exposed for all the world to see. Girl walks to mirror and begins lengthy self-examination. And I mean lengthy. Every boy in the class must’ve been flipping out. I don’t know for sure, as they separated us by gender even though we watched the same movie, but I’m pretty sure it was pretty exciting for them.
Also, I would like to note that after the exam they passed around a fake breast with lumps in it so that we could feel what it would be like if we found one in our own breast. I’m totally cool with that, as I think girl parts are nothing secret, but I remember that some of the girls would not touch the falsie.

4. Condoms are to be applied to cucumbers, and only cucumbers. And only in crowded grocery stores.
Picture this, if you can without vomiting: Australian guy in a grocery store. Walking around the produce section teaching us about sex (because when I think “fruit” I automatically think “sex”). As the man picks up a large (I mean large) cucumber, he says, “Iye shell new teach yew hew to apply a cundem.” Except not, since Australian sounds a bit more rubbish than that. I don’t really understand their accents, but I definitely got the gist of this video. He was putting a condom on a cucumber, and I wasn’t allowed to leave the room. I probably would’ve been more comfortable if he’d just unzipped his pants and demonstrated on the real thing. I honestly couldn’t tell you why I was so weirded out, but I was. I really really was. All my innocence was destroyed that day, and I will never be able to look at a condom-wrapped cucumber the same way again.

Weirdest semester of my life.

Your Gay Friend Is Not a Fashion Statement

He is just your friend…who happens to be gay.

Why is it that we are so accepting of gays who are flamboyant, open, and feminine, but are sometimes less accepting of those who are more introverted and quiet? At times, we allow ourselves to be friends with homosexual men solely because of that homosexuality.  This sexuality is not necessarily a defining character trait, but sometimes it’s all we see: not that they’re people, but that they’re gay. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being flamboyant; on the contrary, people with personality are vital to my happiness and sanity, and none of this is meant to take away from exciting, loving people. (I like watching Sassy Gay Friend videos as much as the next person.) But society is starting to expect all gays to be the same sex-machine, cut from the same mold.

This goes both ways: people prejudiced against gays tend to focus solely on their sexual identities, completely ignoring their other qualities. But those of us who are “OK with Gay” (although we’re constantly saying “there is no one type of gay; everyone is different,”) still put them into molds. We want our gay friend to help us shop and giggle about cute boys with us. We expect him to have a super-sexy boyfriend and love Liza Minelli. We want him to act just like our girlfriends. But the truth is, gay boys are still boys. They aren’t always feminine, cute, tall and rugged, or fashionable. And though we think we’ve surpassed stereotyping gays, we haven’t. We still expect them to come in a gift basket along with Glee, valley-girl accents, and Lady Gaga. They’re constantly portrayed in movies solely as silly, hip-wiggling fashion consultants, even though there are probably a thousand gay businessmen out there who act and look like everyone else.

If we’re so accepting of homosexuals, why does everyone expect lesbians to have short hair and big muscles? I don’t see many straight guys looking to elevate their social statuses with lesbian arm candy. 

 We just have to understand we can’t only love people for being cute and fun and girly. Of course we should be friends with them; I have gay friends who I absolutely adore, but not because they’re gay. When we idolize a guy and accept him into our lives just because he likes boys too, we stomp on every step gays have made toward their goal of being accepted as human beings. We have to look past someone’s sexuality (and stop speculating on it for heaven’s sake: who even cares if that guy over there is gay?) and become friends with them because we want to know who they are, not who they like.