India


So uh…in case you guys were wondering…

I’M GOING TO INDIA.

This summer. Study abroad. INDIAAAAAAAA. Whatevs.

I found out today while I was studying for an exam (I may have been so heavily caffeinated that upon receiving the email I had an excitement- and caffeine-induced seizure in the library) and was immediately distracted, so I walked home to shake off some of the jitters. After studying a bit more at my apartment, I made the mistake of taking a study break and looking at some of the documents I was given about traveling abroad/housing info/class registration/plane tickets/visa info/don’t get malaria/this is gonna be a huge culture shock and…

Now I’m super overwhelmed. Super super excited, but also super overwhelmed. I have to constantly remind myself (seriously, every three seconds) that I have time to deal with all the paperwork and that I should just allow myself to be happy I got into the program and now it’s time to study for my test.

YOU GUYS. I’M GOING TO INDIA. I. AM. SO. HAPPY.

This must be what doing cocaine feels like. Except…not? I don’t know, my test tomorrow is for my drugs and alcohol class, so maybe if I was studying I’d know what the effects of cocaine are. Oops.

I’ve gone insane. The caffeine hasn’t worn off yet. To prevent myself from further embarassment, I’ll just stop here, but I’ll leave you with this lovely gem:

There’s an SNL episode in which Zac Effron explains the differences between attending a musical high school and actual college. He talks about a song he made up called “nervous but excited” and that song needs to be written (probably by me) because it’s exactly how I feel about India. Nervous, but excited.

So yeah, click here for the clip of that…

Love you all! Wheeeee!

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A Tribute to Ham


Or rather, a questioning of why people constantly make tributes to ham.


Tina Fey’s monologue on ham, which turns into a monologue on things that are not ham.


“People do like the way she says ham.”


Which leads to this mashup: spicy ham. Oh Stefan.


And we’ll end with the lovely JWoww eating ham and drinking water. Ham.

I guess this should be less a question of why people tribute ham and more a question of why Tina Fey and things affiliated with her like ham so much…
Didn’t you know JWoww is just Tina Fey in disguise?

Leave My Man Alone


Hi. College is hard. I wish I was majoring in blogging so that posting here was required. But alas…I am not. So before I begin studying for the tests I have this week, I thought I’d give you this lovely list of videos:


You don’t understand. I am actually obsessed with this video. I watch it all the time and quote from it (Thoreau, actually…the Teapot Dome Scandal of 1922…) daily. I know I’ve posted it a million times on my video lists but seriously…it’s too good to pass up.


The Real Women of SNL

Sometimes days are hard. Sometimes people say you suck. But you just gotta think: What would Maya Rudolph do? What would Kristin Wiig do? WHAT WOULD CHERI OTERI DO?!
Answer: pull someone’s weave and call them insane.


So many things to say…but mostly just YES.


I just don’t think these videos are scaring you enough, so…have this one.


From the girl who brought you “Miss Moogoo” comes…Leave My Man Alone!!! Stickam Girl strikes again.
Note the flag in the background.


Nope. They’re not. They’re dead.


KAAAAAARL!!!

Yeah, I’m With the Band


Mama, when I grow up, I’m gonna be in a band. Here are the names I’m considering:

He actually is a linguist.

The Gnome Chompskys
Our first album will be called “We Are Cunning Linguists” in order to pay homage to good ole Noam. And while we’re at it, we’ll throw some references about phonology and socialism into a love song or two. Cuz Noam just makes us want to sing about love. And old Jewish men. And moles.

Soggy Cereal
Picture this: all girl punk band. Hot, right? And if our first album was called “Praise the Lord, My Cereal’s Cold,” you’d buy it…right?

A Wave Past Dawn
Think Stevie Nicks 30 years ago, complete with scarves, a tambourine, that slightly hazy look, and some damn cool hair. That’s me. It’s all about the vibes, all about the music. The members of the band only matter so far as the music that they make. That’s why my bandmates will be three cats and a pogo stick. And that, my friends, will also be the name of our first album.

Maya Rudolph Ate My Cake
A comedy band comprised of SNL lookalikes. I’ll be going for Andy Samberg’s look, but if I miss and hit Nasim Pedrad, I think I’ll survive. First album? “Just Wait Till I Pull Myself Out of This Garbage Can.”

You Killed My Ladybug
Screamo. I mean really, with a name like that, you must’ve known that I was an angry girl. Album: “Now You Must Pay; I Accept Cash, Check, and Most Major Credit Cards.”

And finally, Steezii Jeez
I was destined to make it big as a rapper. I’ve got the look (blonde), the attitude (slightly passive but loud), and the clothes (jeans that are too loose cuz I wore them 3 days in a row). Get ready for “Uptown Girl, Part One: I’ll Shank You.”

Why I’m Destined to be Tina Fey


People tell me I remind them a lot of Liz Lemon (for those of you who don’t know, that’s Tina Fey’s character on 30 Rock). While I pretend to be offended that people compare me to a single, middle-aged woman who eats her feelings, I’m not…I’m not offended at all. In fact, it’s pretty much my crowning glory.
Here is a list of why I will become Tina Fey. Not hope to become, mind you. Will.

1. Her brother is 8 years older than her. My sister is 7 years older than me. In her book, Bossypants, Tina/FutureMe wrote, “my brother has always looked out for me like a third parent.” Laurel treats me that way every day. Not that I don’t love her for it, because I love being taken care of. But sometimes it gets to the point where I want to tell her to just get a pet fish to take care of instead…not that I compare myself to a fish…uh…

My little Midge.

2. “One of my five hundred nicknames for my daughter is Midge, which is short for Midget, because she was a very small baby.” When we first got my cat, Mickey, I wanted to name him Midge so badly. He was the tiniest thing I’d ever seen and I coud practically fit him in my palm. So I still call him Midge, even though he is now the hugest cat on the planet.

3. The woman is a genius, and obviously I am too.
Here are a few random samplings of that genius (hers): “No one ever says, ‘You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.’ When it’s true, it doesn’t need to be said,” and “There’s a drunk midget in my house.”

Just so you can properly compare, here are a few random samplings of my genius: “People will come and go, but sour candy…that stuff’s forever. Literally. I think it’s radioactive,” and “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a Big Mouth Billy Bass and he’ll regift it to you next Christmas.”

4. She claims that now that she’s 40, she needs to take her pants off as soon as she gets home. “I didn’t used to have to do that,” she writes. “But now I do.” Well, Tina, I already have to do that. I guess I’m just preparing to live your fly, fancy lifestyle before I turn 20.

5. She remembers the pamphlets she got that were about her period. While mine featured really weird cartoons that asked questions such as, “Can I go swimming while on my period?” and “Will I bleed to death if I’m on my period when I get into a knife fight with Mike Tyson?” hers had the “vaguely threatening” title of “Growing Up and Liking It.” She thought her period would come out as a blue liquid like in maxi-pad commercials; I always thought those commercials were a marketing nightmare. As I’ve asked many times before, what twit thinks that I’m gonna want to buy a maxi pad that could double as an umbrella on a rainy day?

I think you can all see that I am exactly like her. And if you can’t see it, maybe get some glasses…or just keep your mouth shut.

Yoga Breath


Let’s all take a deeeeeeeep breath in…and exhale…and in…and exhale…good.

CALM DOWN ABOUT EVERYTHING ALREADY.

I promise everything’s gonna be fine. She’s gonna love you someday, you’re gonna get into college, you won’t fail that test, you’re not gonna die, and no, nobody hates you.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we stress over relationships and life and everything constantly? Just enjoy it. If you have a problem, fix it. If it’s completely unfixable, then let it slide. I don’t always live by these words, but I swear I try to every day.

So take a deep breath, sit back, relax, and watch a few funny videos:


Lemme Smang It – I love the Wild Thornberrys reference…takes me back to my youth. “You don’t wanna get a cooch contusion….” I think the best part is how unenthusiastic the girl looks the whole time…I’d like to thank Kenley for bringing this into my life.


Honey Badger! – I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks. Thank you LaKecia, you have made my life worth living…


Top That! (The name of the video offends me, but I love it anyway) – From the movie “Teen Witch” from the dark ages…I love his outfit and this song. I want this to happen in real life. To me. Right now. “Look at how funky he is!” You can say that again, sister.


Black Umbrella – I love this song. Not gonna lie, Miley Cyrus is pretty hot, and this song “interpretation” makes it better cuz her talent doesn’t suck…
“Tiny Timmy Tokyo…and I’m pregnant.” Their BeeGees and Luda song “Magic Man” makes me really happy too, so y’all should look that up.


Nickelodeon After Dark… I probably shouldn’t think this is funny. But it IS. They’re in their Full House clothes and then…”I like rubbing.”