Fortune Cookies Suck


This is an example of a useless cookie.

Stop being a vague cookie!

I don’t think Fortune Cookies are living up to society’s expectations of them. They are like the black sheep of the family, though which family that is I’m not quite sure. Basically, society (the parents) expected great things of fortune cookies but they just let us down. They didn’t go to college, they got pregnant at 17, and now they’re doing crack in an alleyway behind an Albertson’s just waiting to die.

Well, I say: DIE. Die, you useless piece of cookie.

I hate when they say stuff like “you have a great sense of humor.” Yes, yes, I know. Thanks. That wasn’t even an ego boost. Or “you will take a great trip.” Well, my next vacation isn’t for another EIGHT YEARS, so…basically you’re slacking off on your duties. Stop doing crack and tell me my fortune.

I want very specific fortunes. “You should totally stay with your boyfriend through college. It’s a wonderful idea, and my goodness your outfit looks wonderful today.”
Or “Today, you’ll want to flip someone off because they’re tailgating you. By all means, go for it; they will not have a gun.”
Or even “You might want to carry some pepper spray on your jog today, cuz someone’s gonna try to rape you.”

Those fortunes are helpful because they contain vital information for our everyday lives. Telling me I’m gonna go on a trip is not going to be helpful, because I either a) already know that or b) am not going on a trip.

How about specifics? Specifics! Names, dates, compliments on my hair, etc would be very much appreciated. And the stuff about my hair would totally be true, so… Even “Oy, miss, you have food in your teeth” would be appreciated.

But it’s hopeless. People have even made up games to make fortune cookies better. Adding “in bed” to the end of each fortune has become popular with the teenagers of the world (and my 25-year-old co-worker Scott). But even then, “you will have a wonderful trip in bed” isn’t a great fortune since it sounds a little violent, and “you have a great sense of humor in bed” is pretty insulting, to be honest.

I just wanted to write this post so you’d all know how disappointed I am in our child, the fortune cookie. Somebody get her some rehab. She’s all cracked out.

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Movie Stars and Have You Ever?


Sigh.

I want to live in an old movie.

I’ve watched black and white movies for as long as I can remember. My childhood consisted of regular kids programs like Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street, but it was filled mainly by movies from the 30s and 40s (like Arsenic and Old Lace, The Thin Man, The Scarlet Pimpernel, and Marx Brothers movies).

I want that life.

People were so classy back then. I understand that women didn’t have many rights, people were pretty racist, and wars were taking over the world, but there was SO MUCH CLASS.
Now it’s all, have you ever done crack? Only once? Whoa, I do it at least once a day.

I always sucked at the game “Have You Ever” when we used to play it, because I’d never done any of the things people thought were important…
Q: Have you ever had sex in public?
A: WHAT? Bloody hell…and also NO.
Q: Have you ever made out with two people at once?
A: What do you think my life’s like? An episode of Jersey Shore?
Q: Have you ever eaten —
A: Whatever it is, no. No no no, let’s just say I don’t eat.
Q: Have you ever done crack?
A: I don’t even know where I’d get it, much less how to do it.

My game would’ve gone more like:
Q: Have you ever eaten a macaroni-orange colored crayon?
A: Erm. Yes. I thought they were really macaroni when I was little.
Q: Have you ever actually read a book?
A:
Why yes! Multiple, in fact. And I enjoyed them.
Q: Have you actually liked someone for reasons other than wanting to rip all their clothes off in a ladies restroom?
A:
Yes…Ah, well, I guess I’m just doomed to grow old and have cats. Or be in an old movie :)

People back then got famous for being good at things (like acting). Now you just have to say something really stupid or show up naked on the internet. And to that, I say: class it up, society. Put your panties back on.

Society Told Me Not To


Society: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Me: Shove it!

Society has told me (yep, it speaks) that I shouldn’t do these things in public:

1. Don’t dance down the skywalk.
People can see you. It is weird to drive down the street, look up for a moment, and see someone gettin’ jiggy with it in a suspended hallway. Also, people who are walking through the skywalk while you are dancing in it will be scared and/or confused. They will not join in with you, because life is not High School Musical and people don’t all dance in sync at random moments. No matter how much you wish you could, you should not dance in the skywalk.
Know what I say to that? HAHAHA, because I do it anyway. Yeah, I’m that girl flailing around in the skywalk.

2. Don’t sing in the rain. Or anywhere else where people are watching, for that matter.
Yeah, Gene Kelly did it, but that doesn’t mean you should. Technically he wasn’t in public, because it was a fictional movie. Singing in public, no matter how overjoyed you are, is annoying and will make people want to hit you with rotten fruit (though why anyone would carry rotten fruit around with them, nobody knows).
Know what I say to that? I don’t believe in fiction. Everything is real. Also, I don’t care, I will sing if I like. I will burst into song in the middle of lunch. (I will swallow my food before I burst into song in the middle of lunch.) I will burst into song when I’m walking down the street and the air smells good and I bloody well feel like singing.

3. Don’t laugh so much.
It makes your face go all red and spreads your nose across it. That is not attractive. Also, too much laughing can give the impression that you’re stupid.
Know what I say to that? Hahahahahahhahahahahha!

4. Don’t do creepy things to people, no matter how hilarious you might think it’d be.
Don’t wink or wiggle your eyebrows suggestively at people who are only slightly your friends (even if you are obviously joking, because people are stupid and won’t understand that you’re joking). Honestly, you just shouldn’t joke when around with people because your sense of humor is easily misinterpereted as insanity and someone will chuck you into the loony bin.
Know what I say to that? Nothing, but I do give it a suggestive eyebrow wiggle and a pat on the bottom.