Yes, Mary Did Know.


Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water? Mary, did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?
Well, yes…an angel woke me up in the middle of my beauty sleep to let me know. I don’t think I would forget something so significant.

Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
Were you drunk when you wrote that line? Because it doesn’t make any sense. Someone’s been dipping into the holiday nog.

This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.
Yes, and as I understand it, his sacrifice will be about as painful as giving birth to a child without the use of pain killers or antibiotics. Do you know how dirty mangers are? They are infested with lots of very unsanitary things.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
No, but apparently you do. Good for you, you’re amazing, shut up.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?
Baby strong man!

Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
Ooh! Ooh! Me too! Remember that thing about the angel coming down from heaven and telling me that my baby was God’s? We went on a little walk and at one point I probably stepped on his footsteps. So HA!

When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?
When you put it like that, I feel uncomfortable.

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo… The blind will see.The deaf will hear.The dead will live again.
Oh. Like zombies?

The lame will leap.The dumb will speak the praises of the lamb.
It’th a Chwistmas miwacle.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy is lord of all creation? Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day rule the nations? Did you know that your baby boy is heaven’s perfect lamb? The sleeping child you’re holding is the great, I am.
Who is? He is? Or you are. You just said he’s the great but now you said you’re the great and I think it’s a little presumptuous of you to say something like that. That’s my son you’re talking about!

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Mondegreen, Part 2 (You Merry Music Man)


When I was younger, I knew about two words of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer.” The rest of the words I just murfled or made up as I went along.
Well, now that I’ve gotten used to those words, it’s just about impossible for me to sing the right ones. So here, for your pleasure…one night only…the great hit “Tony Danza.”

Bluejee baby. LA lady, seems just for the band.
Pretty eyes, pirate smile, you merry music man.
By the river, you must’ve seen her dancing in the sand.
Now she’s in me. Always with me. Tiny dancer in my hand.
Jesus breeze out in the street. Handing tickets out for God.
Turning back, she just laughs. Full of art is not that bad.
I know man, he mixes Dan. And they’re all da toreum.
Lookin’ on she sings the songs. Words she knows and June she hums.
But oh how it feels so real lying here with no one near…

When I say softly…slowly…

HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (I never thought it was really Tony Danza, but it’s definitely more fun to sing that way.)
Count the headlights on the highway
Baby darling she’s so flannin
You hide the bills a day to day.

Etc etc etc, repeated until you want to rip your ears off.

And that’s how we do it.

Yeah, I’m With the Band


Mama, when I grow up, I’m gonna be in a band. Here are the names I’m considering:

He actually is a linguist.

The Gnome Chompskys
Our first album will be called “We Are Cunning Linguists” in order to pay homage to good ole Noam. And while we’re at it, we’ll throw some references about phonology and socialism into a love song or two. Cuz Noam just makes us want to sing about love. And old Jewish men. And moles.

Soggy Cereal
Picture this: all girl punk band. Hot, right? And if our first album was called “Praise the Lord, My Cereal’s Cold,” you’d buy it…right?

A Wave Past Dawn
Think Stevie Nicks 30 years ago, complete with scarves, a tambourine, that slightly hazy look, and some damn cool hair. That’s me. It’s all about the vibes, all about the music. The members of the band only matter so far as the music that they make. That’s why my bandmates will be three cats and a pogo stick. And that, my friends, will also be the name of our first album.

Maya Rudolph Ate My Cake
A comedy band comprised of SNL lookalikes. I’ll be going for Andy Samberg’s look, but if I miss and hit Nasim Pedrad, I think I’ll survive. First album? “Just Wait Till I Pull Myself Out of This Garbage Can.”

You Killed My Ladybug
Screamo. I mean really, with a name like that, you must’ve known that I was an angry girl. Album: “Now You Must Pay; I Accept Cash, Check, and Most Major Credit Cards.”

And finally, Steezii Jeez
I was destined to make it big as a rapper. I’ve got the look (blonde), the attitude (slightly passive but loud), and the clothes (jeans that are too loose cuz I wore them 3 days in a row). Get ready for “Uptown Girl, Part One: I’ll Shank You.”

But…Baby!


It’s cold outside? Is that really the best argument you can think of?

I really can’t stay
But baby, it’s cold outside.
I’ve got to go away
But baby, it’s cold outside…

That is the lamest argument I’ve ever heard. If it’s cold outside, walk her home and cuddle her on the way. Or drive her in your car (carriage?). Or give her some coco for the road. But don’t go all date-rapey and beg her to stay on the premise that it’s cold outside.

The neighbors might faint
But baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink?
No cabs to be had out there

Lady, you suspect that there’s something in the drink and you don’t run screaming for the door? I guess nobody taught her about roofies. Induce vomiting immediately!

My sister will be suspicious
Gosh your lips look delicious

HE’S GONNA EAT YOUR LIPS. HE. IS. A. CANNIBAL.

I’ve got to get home
But baby, you’d freeze out there
Say, lend me a coat
It’s up to your knees out there

Lend her your snowshoes, man. You are utterly useless.

I love Christmas songs. Really. Once mid-December rolls around, I listen to them nonstop. Usually, the cheesier the better. But this song drives me insane. The male part is usually sung in a really creepy deep voice that is waaaay too reminiscent of a date-rapist. It just weirds me out…I guess it’s meant to be sweet, and I usually appreciate that sort of thing, but…

Well, I guess the reason I hate it is because it’s something I’d totally fall for.

Phrazes for the Young Album Review


   The Strokes’ front man Julian Casablancas released his debut solo album, “Phrazes for the Young” on November 2, 2009. The album’s lyrics focus on post-apocalyptic motifs, while its uncommon blend of electronic synth-pop, rock and blues gives it a unique and futuristic quality. “Phrazes” is definitely worth listening to on repeat.

   Though The Strokes are still together, each member has gone on to either release a solo album or work with other bands. They have not released an album since their third, “First Impressions of Earth,” which was met with lukewarm reviews in 2006. The band is currently working together on an album which is scheduled to release in March.

   Casablancas is known for his unique vocals, which are reminiscent of both Lou Reed and Jim Morrison. His angry croon, though a seeming contradiction, helped set him apart from other singers when The Strokes first became popular in the early 2000s. Throughout “Phrazes,” Casablancas ranges from snarling disillusionment in “Out of the Blue” to controlled chaos in “River of Brakelights” to beautiful nostalgia in “Tourist.”

   While Casablancas is mellower (he no longer throws microphone stands during performances) than he ever was in the heavy days of The Strokes, his music continues their tortured tradition. He still sings about drinking in “Ludlow St.” (he recently recovered from an alcohol addiction) and a feeling of angry loneliness permeates “Out of the Blue.” One of the iTunes-extra songs, “30 Minute Boyfriend,” with its semi-terrifying declaration of love, is reminiscent of The Strokes’ “Heart in a Cage.”

   The singer throws in smatterings of angry wisdom throughout the album. In the epic sounding “River of Brakelights,” he sing-screams, “Like batteries we die, like rivers we dry. Refuel and recharge, that’s humans and cars.” In “Out of the Blue,” he sings that “when roles are reversed, opinions are too.” Casablancas proves throughout “Phrazes” that he is fully capable of delivering songs that are both catchy and thought-provoking.

   Casablancas’ debut album may be more pleasing to non-Strokes fans, as it is more varied and moves away from the garage-rock that The Strokes were so popular for years ago. The last track, “Tourist,” which simultaneously makes you want to dance and cry, features an inexplicably melancholy and slow Spanish-style guitar loop. “11th Dimension,” the album’s single, is an 80s-esque pop song, while “4 Chords of the Apocalypse” is a bluesy tune that is just waiting to be played over a breakup scene in a chick-flick.

   Casablancas proves his songwriting and vocal ability in this debut solo album. Though it moves away from The Strokes’ work, “Phrazes for the Young” will please both Strokes fans and the casual listener.

The Decline of the Barney Empire


I watched a few minutes of Barney today on PBS and was severely disappointed. Barney is not a good television show anymore, and I am sure it’s not because my tastes have changed. My tastes have not changed – I still love Elmo, the Teletubbies, and Mr. Rogers. Yeah, at least I have the guts to admit to it, unlike all you closet-Teletubbies-watchers out there.

But Barney has really let me down. I remember singing along to rousing choruses of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” (because his name is my name too) but am now forced to hear songs like “Shapes.” I’ll give you a little snippit:

Shapes, shapes, it’s easy my friend.
You can tell a shape by the shape it’s in.
Shapes, shapes, sing it again…

What does that even mean? It’s like they’re trying to tell me something…Of course shapes are shapes…I don’t understand. If I can’t understand, I don’t think a 5 year old can. Please don’t argue with me on that.

Barney and Riff sounding annoying together.

And Barney’s new voice is really annoying.  It always kinda was, but this guy needs to listen to himself a little, because it’s terrible. Or maybe it’s been the same guy since 1991 and he’s just gotten steadily more…and more…and more annoying. His new pally Riff (added to the show in 2006) is pretty obnoxious too. We all know that every dinosaur on the show is a human in a costume, right? But I think it should be noted that the actual voice of each dinosaur is the voice of a completely separate actor. So these people are selected specifically for their voices. I think the Barney people need to get their ears cleaned out before auditions or something.

While I’m on a roll bashing television shows for small children (oops), I should probably add that Barney’s reputation was ruined by the rumors (I call them rumors because I don’t think they could possibly be true) that the old Barney actor used to hide heroin needles in his tail.

But then again, I got that information as a child from another child who thought that Kokanee beer was actually cocaine.