If You’re Ever Feeling Ugly

Maybe you look in the mirror and notice that your chin hair (mine’s named Vern, so don’t be ashamed of yours) is growing back with a vengeance. Maybe you have a huge zit right in between your eyebrows, and it’s totally blocking your third eye. It’s possible that your butt grew two sizes overnight (sort of like the Grinch’s heart but in a really inconvenient butt way) and you suddenly can’t even fit into your sweatpants. Or perhaps your lips are so chapped that they’ve ripped apart and you can see the earth’s core in them, the cracks are so deep. Maybe your hair, which is typically voluminous and bouncy like a perpetual shampoo ad, is sticking up in 50 different directions and the when you try to comb it your brush gets stuck and now you have comb hair which isn’t even in style right now…

In any case, here are a few ways to feel less ugly!

1. Pluck your eyebrows. Sometimes they get scraggly and you don’t even notice until suddenly they’re covering your entire face and you have to go at them with a bush whacker.

2. Use a face mask to hide your entire face from the world. They usually feel nice and have weird things like peppermint bobos or teatree monkeys in them. Mine has volcanic ash in it, and that isn’t even a joke; my face is slowly turning into a volcano.

3. Make new pants out of your curtains. Who said only nuns can get creative with draperies?

4. Wear a cat on your head. We’ve all heard the story of The Cat in the Hat, but what about The Cat IS the Hat? That’s a long lost tale from biblical times, I think. Esther had just saved the Jewish people when she suddenly realized she was having a terrible hair day. She knew that she could not be taken seriously if her hair looked bad, so she picked up an alleycat and went about her day. Women are so resourceful!

5. Chuck all of those other tips in the trash. You’re not ugly. Ugly is a stupid social construct, and lately I’ve been on a “damn the man” kick. So say it with me! My chin hair is beautiful!


Don’t You Guys Read Romance Novels?

I guest posted this at AbiolaTV.com a few days ago and thought I’d put the full post on my own blog:

I think we have a problem. Nobody knows how to kiss properly. I’m lookin’ at you, boys. Didn’t you ever read a romance novel? Oh, well me neither. Girls want to be kissed, not killed!

Here’s the deal: when you kiss a girl, you should refrain from shocking her in any way. Because with kissing, a shock is not a good thing. Ever. And agression is only attractive after multiple dates and multiple kisses, but definitely not at first. Please:

1. Don’t gag her.
This includes strangulation (so don’t wrap your hands around her neck and squeeze), but mainly focuses on tongue-work. Don’t you dare insert your tongue so far into her mouth that she gags, because it could be disastrous in so many ways. There’s this thing called a gag reflex, and sometimes it makes people throw up. Don’t trigger the gag reflex.
I mean, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you know anything? Kissing can be really gross if you don’t do it properly. Does it really seem like a good idea to lick her tonsils? Let me answer that for you: it isn’t a good idea to lick her tonsils. Maybe you should write that down 100 times, just to make sure you remember.

2. Don’t be a vacuum.
Leave the intense sucking to Mr. Hoover, please. If you can hear slurping, you’ve gone too far. We all know the term “swapping spit,” but removing all spit from her mouth is just superfluous. I know you want her, but you don’t want her spit. That is just gross. This chick should not have to drink seven glasses of water afterward to regain moistness of the mouth.

3. Don’t do darty-tongue.
You are a human, not a lizard. I think I have to get scientific(ish) here: your mouth’s temperature is different from her mouth’s temperature. It is weird when an object that is colder/warmer than her mouth (and is also moist) darts into her mouth and then darts back out. I mean, really, did you not pay attention when I said not to shock her? That, my friend, is what we call shocking.

 4. No mashing.
I know that in all romantic movies, right as they kiss, the guy secures the girl’s head with both hands, leans in, and presses. But her head won’t fall off, so there’s no need to secure it, really. A little face stroking might be nice, sure, but not a two-hand lock. And pressing? No. You have a nose and she has a nose, so there’s really no safe way to press. It needs to be nice and gentle so that you don’t knock together and get a nose-bleed, because those aren’t romantic either. Plus, how do you expect to kiss for more than three seconds without getting a lip cramp if you’re smashing your faces together? Let’s be logical.

5. And finally, don’t drool.
You might think this goes against rule #2. It doesn’t.
Before you kiss her, make sure you’ve swallowed your mouthful of spit. Even if you’re kissing with a closed mouth, we don’t want a bit of dribble escaping your lips and getting on her face, because it’s a surefire way to get her to vomit. On your shoes.
Basically you want to suck your own spit in, but not hers.