And Sean Cried…


Hopefully you guys don’t mind my rants about The Bachelor, cuz heeere comes another one! I just finished watching the most recent episode online and I shall summarize it for y’all in case you don’t follow the nonsense that is The Bachelor.

Sean goes to the hometowns of the 4 remaining girls and meets their families:

He meets AshLee’s parents and she cries and tells them that she loves him and it’s weird and they’re all drinking sweet tea. Sean is probably wearing some sort of weird sweater and too much gel in his hair.

Sean then goes to the army base that Lindsay’s family lives on and she pretends to be his drill sergeant. She yells “straighten up” and “get it together!” a lot, and she slaps his butt more than necessary.

He goes to Seattle (woot woot!) with Catherine and tosses fish (lucky bastard) at Pike’s Place, then meets her family. Her sisters tell him Catherine’s messy and Sean looks entirely too constipated the whole time.

Then Des makes dinner with him at her house and he meets her brother, who basically calls him out for being on a show with 25 women and sweet-talking them all. Then Sean leaves with a wedgie and Des is embarrassed, crying the next night to him during the rose ceremony. Chris, the host of the show, stands awkwardly in the background. I think.

Sean sends Des home (after awkwardly looking at her picture a lot in some other room), because her brother has found him out! Also, because he is a vampire. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but it’s obviously important.

And here’s what I predict happened next:

Sean went back to the picture room, picked up Des’ photo, and caressed the small image of her face. A single tear slid down his cheek.

“No, Sean,” he muttered to himself. “You won’t do this. You won’t be weak.” He paced the room a little, the picture still in his shaking hand, and finally, when he could stand it no longer, he ran outside and chased after the limo, but it was too late. He’d sent her on her way and he’d never see her again. The picture fell from his hand, the glass from the frame shattering on the asphalt. He walked back to the house; someone from the crew would clean up the broken glass, but no one could fix his splintered heart.

No one but Des, and she was long gone.

Chris was waiting for him in the picture room when he returned, and they shared a long, silent embrace. Chris patted Sean’s back, noting how muscular it was. As they hugged, he let his hand wander downward, finally allowing it to rest on the small of Sean’s back. Sean flinched a little, but realized it didn’t feel that weird, so he let it happen. After a moment, he pulled away slightly, meeting Chris’ gaze.

As they slowly leaned toward each other, eyes locked, Sean’s thoughts — and heart — raced. “What’s happening?” he thought. “He’s my bro. But…he’s somehow more.” So Sean let it happen. He let it happen so good, and when their lips finally met, electricity shooting up his spine, he realized that maybe it wasn’t Des he’d been looking for. Maybe it had been Chris all along.

Chris, who had been there for him when Tierra was a crazy mofo. Chris, who knew how to count roses (“There’s one rose left, ladies”). Chris, who kissed better than any of these pansy-ass girls could.

Chris…

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Leave My Man Alone


Hi. College is hard. I wish I was majoring in blogging so that posting here was required. But alas…I am not. So before I begin studying for the tests I have this week, I thought I’d give you this lovely list of videos:


You don’t understand. I am actually obsessed with this video. I watch it all the time and quote from it (Thoreau, actually…the Teapot Dome Scandal of 1922…) daily. I know I’ve posted it a million times on my video lists but seriously…it’s too good to pass up.


The Real Women of SNL

Sometimes days are hard. Sometimes people say you suck. But you just gotta think: What would Maya Rudolph do? What would Kristin Wiig do? WHAT WOULD CHERI OTERI DO?!
Answer: pull someone’s weave and call them insane.


So many things to say…but mostly just YES.


I just don’t think these videos are scaring you enough, so…have this one.


From the girl who brought you “Miss Moogoo” comes…Leave My Man Alone!!! Stickam Girl strikes again.
Note the flag in the background.


Nope. They’re not. They’re dead.


KAAAAAARL!!!

Trash the TV


Let’s talk about trashy TV and possible theories of why we like it:

1. We secretly want to be trashy and need an outlet to appreciate trashy people.

2. We (not so secretly) hate trashy people and therefore watch shows about them in order to feel better about ourselves.

3. In some sick way they turn us on. This seems a little too Freudian for my taste.

4. We are self destructive and want to punish ourselves by forcing ourselves to bleed out of our eyes.

5. There’s nothing else on TV.

6. They are ridiculously quotable. I refer you to:
“I felt like eating ham and drinking water. Ham.” – J-Woww, Jersey Shore
Every other word uttered on Jersey Shore
“Get me OUTTA HERE!” – Danielle, Real Housewives of New Jersey
The entire “Money Can’t Buy You Class” by Countess Luann (RH of NY). Have I mentioned that she looks about 500 years younger in the music video for that song?

Segue!

Dear Countess Luann,
Are you crazy? Yes, you’re pretty classy, but you’re also a countess. You’re rich.
Money doesn’t buy you class: this is true. But everything you stand for involves having a lot of money. While you sing “money can’t buy you class” in a million dollar gown, do you really think you’d have class without it? 
Sincerely,
Upset in the US

Segue!

We should dislike reality TV. We should dislike all trashy TV (I refer to Californication – I love you, David Duchovny, and I will happily have your children, but that show is a badly disguised porno). We should go all Strokes on their booties, saying, “Good try, we don’t like it. Good try, we won’t take that shit.” But as they said, “I can’t win.” And we can’t. It’s like watching commercials without thinking. They’re just there.

Seduction So Dangerous


I was flipping through the channels the other day at lunch and came across an ad for Degrassi: The Boiling Point.  Many of you probably know of Degrassi (apparently it was popular in the early 90’s) or, if you’re older than that, The Kids of Degrassi Street which aired in the 80’s. Stay with me here, because there has also been a long running series called Degrassi: The Next Generation, which has been running since the early 2000’s. These shows are all apparently related, each subsequent series following a new generation of Canadians in the fictional world of Degrassi Middle School/High School, etc.

I have no clue why this show is still on the air.

The Next Generation, with a name uncomfortably close to that of the good Star Treks, addressed the teenage issues of homosexuality, eating disorders, dating violence, teen pregnancy, and mental disorders, along with a host of other problems. But it seems so unrealistic to pile it all into one television show, especially since so many of the conflicts occurred in the same episodes. The characters lived through some of the most traumatic ordeals I’ve ever come across, whether they be on television, in books or in real life. The point is, it seems as if the writers of this show have gone through just about every problem a child could face in their entire lifetime, not just in the 4 year span of high school. It’s become an extreme exaggeration of real life, and it’s getting pretty heavy.

The show has recycled the same themes for the past 8 or so years, and it’s time it finally ended. Especially since none of the old characters are still on the show and all the new ones creep me out. And look 12. And still make out and send each other dirty photos. I don’t remember doing that at that age…

The trailer for this new 8 episode series, Degrassi: The Boiling Point, shows exactly how weird it’s gotten when the announcer

Learn from this, Degrassi. But you might want to switch out your cast of small children first.

describes the show as containing “seduction so dangerous” that…well, apparently someone might be shot, there will be a war between the gays and straights of the school, or the chick who got pregnant by the ADD-riddled boy (who is apparently popular but looks tremendously awkward) might have a total meltdown. While these issues could be serious in real life, I am totally unsympathetic toward the characters. And I think a lot of it has to do with the “seduction so dangerous” line. It creeped me out.

When is seduction ever that dangerous? my friend asked.

When it runs around wielding a knife.

The Decline of the Barney Empire


I watched a few minutes of Barney today on PBS and was severely disappointed. Barney is not a good television show anymore, and I am sure it’s not because my tastes have changed. My tastes have not changed – I still love Elmo, the Teletubbies, and Mr. Rogers. Yeah, at least I have the guts to admit to it, unlike all you closet-Teletubbies-watchers out there.

But Barney has really let me down. I remember singing along to rousing choruses of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” (because his name is my name too) but am now forced to hear songs like “Shapes.” I’ll give you a little snippit:

Shapes, shapes, it’s easy my friend.
You can tell a shape by the shape it’s in.
Shapes, shapes, sing it again…

What does that even mean? It’s like they’re trying to tell me something…Of course shapes are shapes…I don’t understand. If I can’t understand, I don’t think a 5 year old can. Please don’t argue with me on that.

Barney and Riff sounding annoying together.

And Barney’s new voice is really annoying.  It always kinda was, but this guy needs to listen to himself a little, because it’s terrible. Or maybe it’s been the same guy since 1991 and he’s just gotten steadily more…and more…and more annoying. His new pally Riff (added to the show in 2006) is pretty obnoxious too. We all know that every dinosaur on the show is a human in a costume, right? But I think it should be noted that the actual voice of each dinosaur is the voice of a completely separate actor. So these people are selected specifically for their voices. I think the Barney people need to get their ears cleaned out before auditions or something.

While I’m on a roll bashing television shows for small children (oops), I should probably add that Barney’s reputation was ruined by the rumors (I call them rumors because I don’t think they could possibly be true) that the old Barney actor used to hide heroin needles in his tail.

But then again, I got that information as a child from another child who thought that Kokanee beer was actually cocaine.

Jersey Shore: The Jerk Boyfriend I Never Wanted


Jersey, baby, I’ve tried to stay away. I know you’re no good for me. But just when I think I’m over you, I see you at a party and I’m mesmerized. So I sit down and watch you from afar. I think I’m addicted.

I am way too good for you. I’m classy and you’re trashy. But you know what they say about good girls always wanting bad boys? Well, I have that. I’m intrigued by your different way of life. You show that side of humanity that says, “Yo. I want to do what I want to do. Everyone else is just a side-show.” It’s exciting. You are just a baaaad boy.

Every night, you’re out with hundreds of other girls. In their living rooms, bedrooms, dining rooms, kitchens…you’re everywhere. Hasn’t anyone told you not to be so easy? Don’t you ever want to be exclusive and just show yourself for one girl? Bad boy, people will start to use and abuse you. They will play and replay you, and I don’t think you want that.

Every time things start to get exciting between us, we’re interrupted by all your friends calling you and telling you about new movies, new shows on MTV, and fast food restaurants offering deals. Can’t you tell your friends you’re busy? I just want you and you alone. No interruptions.

And people have started copying your style, baby. You should tell them to back off, cuz they’re just knockoffs. High schoolers make theme parties trying to be like you. They steal your dance moves and your hairdos…baby, show them who the real deal is.

I love you baby. Even though you treat me bad.