The People Who Read This…


...apparently get here by clicking really weird stuff. Maybe their cat sits on their computer mouse or something. Or they have a really violent spasm and whack the keyboard super hard. I have gotten:  A LOT of hits from people clicking this link: obama-scandal-exposed.co.vids. I don't even know what that is. Sorry, all you people who are expecting... Continue Reading →

How to Act Really Cool


 Keyword here is act. Step 1: Wear sunglasses everywhere. At the beach, on the street, in the club, in bed, in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, here or there, everywhere. If you don't have any sunglasses handy, just let your hair hang over your eyes. If people can't see your... Continue Reading →

Alex Trebek: Pedantic Ass of the Century


Dear Alexxxxx Treeeeebek, Next time you correct someone's pronunciation of a French word, it's gonna get violent, and fast. You're obnoxious. And you don't know everything, even though you think you do. Your hair freaks me out. I bet you dye it. I don't like when you make people feel bad for losing money or... Continue Reading →

How to be a Complete FOOL.


Step 1: Pull over to take photos of sunsets. I'm OK with the occasional nature lover (I am one myself) pulling over to the side of the road to take photos of sunsets, wheat fields, small bushes, owl scat, etc. But please. Don't PARK YOUR HUGE TRUCK (which you probably don't even use to actually haul... Continue Reading →

How to Take Over the World


Step 1: Develop a really good maniacal laugh. After every slightly ominous thing you say, laugh for at least 10 seconds. I'm not talkin' a merry chuckle, here. I'm talkin' creepy, deep, terrifying laughter. Step 2: Be British. It's so much easier to sound official if you're British. Provided you don't have an unfortunate lisp or... Continue Reading →

How to Get Dressed for a Date


Step 1: Make a rough sketch of your dream outfit Step 2: Throw it away, because we all know you'll never find/be able to afford it. Step 3: Write a list of colors that look good on you. Step 4: Attempt to find clothes of those colors in your wardrobe and realize you don't have any.  Step... Continue Reading →

Aphorisms for the Wise


Remember these simple sayings and all will be well. Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. Except that girls aren't like pianos, so shut up. Beauty is variable, ugliness is constant. How depressing. Born a saint, die a sinner. Born a sinner, die a saint. Or just be born and then DIE... Continue Reading →

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